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Mechanchim and mechanchos please



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amother


 

Post Tue, Aug 19 2014, 10:56 am
I need help. please dont criticize me. I just need some insite. I find myself hating my ds hes 6 years old. I dont know what to do. I have such anger at him. I am seeing a therapist but I have a hard time telling her this. I am afraid she will send social services to me. I also have a 3 month old baby and since I got pregnant with her I have so many clashes with ds. I am so lost and in pain I dont know what to do. how could it be that I would hate my own child? please help me understand this. I feel like I am the only one. why does he deserve this. he challengees me all the time I feel like he never listens and doesnt have any respect. he used to be so much easier to deal with and now its like I have no control whatso ever. please dont bash me I feel so little right now. I just need some guidance and reasurrance. he will only do things if he gets something for it. like he will go to the bathroom and stay dry if he gets something for it. he always thinks he needs to get someething for good behavior. what is this? its gotten so out of hand. I hate hate hate it. I cant even write hate enough times on this.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Aug 19 2014, 11:03 am
I am a teacher but I am responding as a mother.

I am not asking any of these questions in a judgmental way, I want to try and understand you (I myself have had moments where I feel like I hate my child but no where near what you are describing.)

1) Does he do something that makes you hate him?

2) Is it hate or is it that he rubs you the wrong way?

3) Is it possible you have PPD? I understand that you are not exhibiting these feelings about your 3 month old but it is still a possibility.

4) Did you have secondary infertility? (I am only asking because of the gap in age, in our communities such a gap is usually not intentional, if it was I'm okay with that.) I am asking this question because maybe subconsciously you blame him for not being able to have a baby earlier.

5) Do you have a better connection with the baby and feel like he is intruding? (I have this feelings when I am trying to nurse a newborn and my other children want me - or my dh for that matter. I feel so drained as it is and all I want is to spend time with my newborn and smell them)
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amother


 

Post Tue, Aug 19 2014, 11:32 am
thanks for answering so quickly, its possible I do have ppd I did battle depression for many years and due to the difficult pregnancy I couldnt keep the meds down. put that in the side. I just find myself getting into fights with him. beneath it all I do love him. its just I dont know how to describe it. I get so mad at him when he challenges me. its the things he does. yes I love my daughter very much. but why dont I love ds as much as my newborn? shes so much easier to love and I dont know how to divide the love. I had the break because I wanted a break. I am not resentful of that at all. how do I forgive him for things he says to me. like I told him I am taking himto store to buy shoes. and I got so angry at him for not listening to me I told him I wont take him bec he doesnt listen and he went on telling me when he does which isnt much. I just came out of my room and I said I dont know if I am buying shoes and he asked me what he did wrong and that was the most heartwarming things hes done now he knows how much he upsets me. and I he said im sorry he will listen to me.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Aug 19 2014, 11:33 am
are you serious? ppd after 3 months when things are pretty okay?
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black sheep




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 19 2014, 12:35 pm
first of all, I want to thank you, on behalf of your son, for reaching out for help. you obviously love him and want to do right by him if you are seeking advice and help for these confusing feelings you have towards him.

I am a teacher, but I don't think that matters. what matters is that I am a mother, and I am also someone's daughter, so I think I can understand both sides.

from personal experience, I can tell you that I had an exceptionally hard time with a difficult child when I was pregnant with another child and shortly after giving birth. luckily, I recognized it as crazy hormones, because it was such an obvious sharp contrast in how I usually feel about him. so I decided that I wasn't being rational or normal, and I decided to just, until the hormones regulate, I would ignore all bad behavior and only give love to this child. I had to take a deep breath and let go of the bad feeling with my exhale. it really worked. and it passed, and now those feelings are gone. and I am so happy I recognized them and didn't let them take over my relationship with this child.

(as a surprising added benefit, this child blossomed under a couple of months of practically no discipline at all. I guess he had been feeling the pressure too from my reactions to his behavior, and freed from my disapproval he was able to relax and behave better.)

some kids get under your skin. they take all your emotional energy. when hormones, pregnancy, a new baby are using a lot of your emotional energy, there is none left for these kids. if you recognize that, you can acknowledge that it is not the child's fault, he is doing what kids his age do, and you need to work on your own reactions.

if you have a therapist whom you trust, I think you should share your feelings with her. use your common sense and don't exaggerate just for the sake of venting, but share your true feelings, and she will help you deal with it better.

parenting is a journey. some parts are more pleasant than others. the more pleasant part is just ahead of you, have some patience and you will get there.
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MaBelleVie




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 19 2014, 12:45 pm
Family first magazine just had an article this week on children who are difficult to like. You are definitely not alone, and you need to stop blaming yourself and focus instead on better management for this relationship. Unless you tell your therapist that you have thoughts about harming your child, she has no reason to report you. What you're experiencing is fairly common, and can definitely be improved. It's great that you're in therapy already, and that's the perfect place to work on bettering this area. Therapy will only help if you are open and honest, though, so it's time to take a deep breath and take the plunge.
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momtra




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 19 2014, 3:23 pm
I think everyone posted thoughtful advice - ultimately it is your therapist who should guide and you should definitely be completely honest - it will be liberating!
Also, you say yourself underneath it all you love him. You hate the situation , but you probably don't hate him- don't be harder on yourself than you have to be!
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 19 2014, 3:33 pm
I have a 6 year old (girl, though) with a strong, independant personality. I can relate a bit to some of your feelings.

One thing that helped me tremendously with parenting her, was something a friend told me (I think it's based on Dina Friedman's parenting course.) She told me there are basically two categories of kids - those who seek attention, and those who seek power. My DD is one of those who (while she of course needs love and attention too) seeks power - that is, she is strong and independent, and she likes to be in charge.

If your son is like my DD, then he will not just automatically listen to you, because that is squashing the little ego in him that wants to be the one in charge. The way to get him to listen is to empower him and let HIM make the choices.

For example - if I tell my DD to wear the blue dress I am guaranteed a power struggle. I'm going to have a smoother morning if I ask her to choose either the blue, the red, or the pink.....allowing her choices is what she thrives on, she needs it to feel loved and secure about herself. I've learned to give her choices wherever possible.

I have found that I have to be creative, and empower my DD, by giving her choices.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Aug 19 2014, 6:52 pm
chayalle-thanks for your post I just finished writing a whole long post and it disappeared I dont know why maybe bec when I started and took a long break to cook and came back and finished it got lost oh well, I was describing things ds does that get under my skin. and all of you saying to be honest with therapist. I feel stuck with her at this point. shes not the greatest, shes just a fine one. shes not the type of therapist that encourages openheartedness maybe shes not my type I do need to tell her that. shes is fine to a certain point. I wont get into that. now. I hurts when your child doesnt respect you and argues about everything. eth becomes a place for argument. and I hate hate it. cant say it enough. I just feel like my heart hurts even when I think about it. okay I do have an older child with alot of issues. so the pain is there from her. I will be honest. when it comes to my other kids its just exhausting. but like other s say its not forever and there will be better times I guess I have challenging kids.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Aug 19 2014, 7:12 pm
op here I realize that I shouldnt react to some of his behaviors, like eating messy and doing things that give him negative feelings. he probably hates them and reacts with more subconsiously. not even meaning to. its just so hard. I get so angry with him and then I yell. I hate myself afterwards. and ashamed. I dont have a choice but to say sorry to him and try to ignore things like that. bec eventually he will grow up and if he will be messy thats just something I wont be able to change if I couldnt do it now.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Aug 19 2014, 7:15 pm
black sheep thank you for your advice- I think what I am doing is focusing too much on the mistakes. and just let go and be positive. not answer in such a strong way.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 19 2014, 7:20 pm
You know, alot of these behaviors he might outgrow on his own. For example, eating messy. Peer pressure in Yeshiva, camp, etc...might do more for him when he's older.

I heard that R' Yaakov Kaminetsky Z"L was against trying to push behaviors on kids that they will outgrow and pick up on their own anyway. He said that's not Chinuch. Chinuch is values, like teaching kids to speak the truth, etc...


Also, six is on the young end of the spectrum for table manners.

Perhaps you are too hard on yourself and your job as a mother. You can let go a little. If your therapist cannot help you do this, perhaps she's not the right therapist for you.

One thing that comes thru in your post very strongly is the need for respect. Why? Why does a little six year old shnook not listening to you make you feel you are losing that?

These are questions you need to address in therapy, to help heal you from the inside out.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 19 2014, 7:24 pm
Another thing, I avoid getting into arguements with my DD at all costs. I will never win, she can keep going till Moshiach comes. There's no point. If she gets into an arguement, I just stop and say Mommy is not discussing this anymore. If she keeps going I tell her I am going to my room for a few minutes break as I cannot discuss this further.

Like if she wants something and I say no. She can keep wheedling till my head would explode. I just won't discuss the why's, the no's, etc...I just tell her no and that's that.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Aug 19 2014, 7:38 pm
thak you chayalle I so appreciate those words you dont know how good I feel now . thank you isnt enough and thaks to all other posters may hashem bless you
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 19 2014, 7:44 pm
I don't have any advice, I just want to offer some validation - of COURSE it's easier to love a 3-month-old than a 6-year-old! They might kvetch a little but they're just small and sweet and learning how to smile at you. They don't talk back, get hyper, or make complicated demands. So, yes you have some issues going on to work out, but just know that this phenomenon is normal. In my humble non-professional opinion.

And yes, PPD can start after 3 months when nothing else was wrong, but it did sound like you were feeling off kilter long before - you said during pregnancy. Irritability can be a sign. Not saying you have or had PPD, just saying it isn't out of the question.

Also, don't worry about sharing these feelings with the therapist. As long as you are taking care of the child and not in danger of actually harming him (and no, as potentially damaging as it might be, snapping and even occasional/mild yelling wouldn't do it) she is not going to call social services to come take away your children. You are only talking about feelings so that you can learn how to better handle the feelings.
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