Sibling being mean

amother

Sat, Aug 23 2014, 1:55 pm

It breaks my heart but my 14 year old DD is often very mean to my 12 year old DD. The younger sister is very petite and cute and childlike, whereas her older sister is big and tall and overweight. I know it's a 2-way street, and the younger one often pushes her buttons, but DD14 comes off so harsh, does not like to help her sister and can be very hurtful. Please help!

SingALong

Sat, Aug 23 2014, 10:01 pm

I have the same thing going on just my girls are a bit younger. I try to separate them when possible like encourage them to play in different rooms. Sometimes when it's calm, I discuss things with them like feelings, how they react to sister. What's a better way to react, etc. then when next fight comes around I remind them what we discussed and encourage them to take correct step.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Aug 24 2014, 2:57 am

My sister and I used to fight like cats and dogs. What worked for us was reverse role play. For one hour, I had to be her and she had to be me. We pretended to act the way we saw the other one acting, and it was a real eye opener for both of us. We both learned a lot about each other, and came away with much more patience and compassion.

junam

Mon, Sep 01 2014, 12:27 pm

My 12yo ds is really mean to his 7yo brother, calling him horrible names and basically ruining his self esteem. We are trying to help oldest deal with his own issues and then when he is in a good place, he wont feel the need to be so mean. we also discuss feelings alot and try to encourage compassion for the other by putting your foot in their shoes.

Dolly Welsh

Mon, Sep 01 2014, 12:33 pm

As you are posting, that isn't working or not working well enough to suit you.

There is going to have to be some "No" here.

Empathy is good.

Now, empathize that you are being harassed by someone thirty percent taller than you are, meaning, about seven feet tall, as you are probably between five and six feet tall.

Imagine that this person is being instructed about feelings, and encouraged to feel better about himself, and to think more about your feelings,

But that person, seven feet tall, isn't actually hearing sharp negatives,

He, or she, is not hearing anything that sounds, angrily, like: "you are not do to that. It is not acceptable and I, the only mother you are ever going to have, hate it. I don't hate you, precisely, but I will not stand for, or accept, or be in the same house with, that."

You are the only mother either of them is ever going to have. They care what you think.

The older one is getting the message that his bad behavior only mildly disturbs his mother.
The younger one is getting the message that his being the object of bad behavior only mildly disturbs his mother.

Straighten this out. Now.