Up to what age is father obligated to pay tuition?

gittelchana

Sun, Aug 24 2014, 10:11 pm

amother wrote:

My son wants to go to second year Bais Medrash, but my ex refuses to pay the tuition.

Up to what age is a father required to pay tuition for his children?

I don't think he is Halachically obligated at this point. Although, it is a great Mitzvah for him much more than for anyone else.

LittleDucky

Sun, Aug 24 2014, 11:54 pm

amother wrote:

For second year Bais Medrash, a public school would still cost $$$ as in COLLEGE.

But, a parent does not have to pay for college.student loans are there for college. Obviously, if your divorce agreement says otherwise then you can have legal action. Once the child is 18 (some places 21), child support ends.

boysrus

Mon, Aug 25 2014, 12:34 am

can u take out a loan to pay his tuition for him? and how does he feel about it? is there a program in your city taht he could join with part=time Torah learnign adn part time learning a profession, that maybe his father would be more willing to pay for?
Hugs, this is not a fun situation for you...

amother

Mon, Aug 25 2014, 6:57 am

I would ask the Bais Medrash for a scholarship, from experience they can be very understanding about this.

Have your son speak to his Rebbe about this. If this is a well known Yeshiva it should be doable as they have an easier time raising money for then elementary schools. Also since it is higher education and the school is registered then they also get gov't funding.

Since your son wants to learn he deserves the same support as any married Kollel guy.

My DH's father would not pay his tuition when he was in Beis Medrash, he went to Yeshiva for free, room and board as well. DH worked during Bein HaSedorim and Bein Hazmanim so he could buy clothing and the daily living expenses that one needs (he also saved up as much as he can for his future wedding expenses though he did not have enough).

Barbara

Mon, Aug 25 2014, 7:10 am

amother wrote:

I am so upset.

I just want my son to be normal. I always thought he would learn for a couple of years and then marry and learn in Kollel.

But now he will have to work earlier than I anticipated.

This is so messed up.

If you live in the US, AIUI, parents are not obligated to pay for college (or Beit Midrash, or kollel), but will enforce divorce agreements that provide for payments.

Of course, nothing is stopping you from paying, or at least from paying your half, and asking for assistance for the rest.

smilingmom

Mon, Aug 25 2014, 7:49 am

It depends where you got divorced.
Unless your divorce decree states otherwise, child support in NY is until age 21, in NJ and most other states 18 or 19.
I will assume for this discussion that you got divorced in NY and your divorce did not make any mention of post high school education.
Your husband is obligated to pay child support pursuant to your agreement until your child turns 21. If he is away at yeshiva, you would use the child support money to pay for his tuition until he is 21.

I think the issue is not so much the money but the idea of contributions and entitlements. I assume you feel strongly that your children are entitled to have their parents pay for their upkeep. That is very a personal decision and though I empathize with you, the real question is why does your ex not feel obligated. Was your son close to his father? did he discuss his aspirations and goals with his father? Did he keep his father in the loop as to his life?

The fact is that fathers that are involved in their kids life are much more likely to pay for things that they are not obligated to pay for.

watergirl

Mon, Aug 25 2014, 10:59 am

OP, what I am about to say comes from a place of understanding - I am divorced with a child from the marriage, and I am remarried, with a number of step children. I am right now going through a situation you sort of described. I say "sort of" because you haven't given us any information. You didn't say how old your son is, where he lives (with you or with the ex), and what your divorce agreement says.

Why do you feel that your ex has to be the sole payer of tuition for your son? If you were still married to him, your sons father, then the tuition would be coming out of joint funds. You would not tell him, "its your job to pay tuition, so go get another job and pay for it all yourself". So why is it now his job, alone? What does the agreement say?

You said that you just want your son to have a chance to be normal. Well, you are taking normalcy away from your son by standing on ceremony and refusing to pay. When we get divorced, our lives change. Finances are stretched and we ALL loose out. We ALL struggle. You are putting your son in the middle when you tell him that he cant go to learn because his father wont pay. You are capable of walking into the office and talking to whomever you need to talk to, and making the arrangements yourself. You can give your son the "normalcy" that you want him to have.

amother

Mon, Aug 25 2014, 11:39 am

There was no money for divorce, so we did everything ourselves. No agreement.
We did offer to pay half of my son's tuition. But I guess I need to find a different Bais Medrash that will accept the half we are offering to pay.

My ex doesn't believe in learning full-time or Kollel. Sad

SRS

Mon, Aug 25 2014, 12:05 pm

amother wrote:

Please do not be personally offended because I'm probably being on the blunt side here. I think you should mourn the loss of a dream. You certainly should take the time to cry it out and kvetch about it. But tachilis, if a kid doesn't have financial backing to take the delayed route into earning money and supporting a family, you probably aren't doing his any favors by holding off the inevitable and the best approach would be to help him enter the working world while maintaining a devotion and seder for Torah learning.

At this point, you husband isn't writing a check. There is no recourse in Beis Din because there is no obligation and even if there were, the Beis Din has little power to compel him and if he does not have the funds, they certainly cannot compel him. There is no recourse in secular court because you did not set up this type of agreement. If it is important to you, certainly you can write that check or take the additional jobs to make it happen along with raising funds for it and searching for scholarships.

I would sit down and speak with your x-husband about what he is willing to fund and take responsibility. You mention he is against kollel. What is he willing to fund?

SRS

Mon, Aug 25 2014, 12:11 pm

boysrus wrote:

PLEASE do not take a loan out for a 2nd year of yeshiva. Short term you will achieve your goal. And long term he will be straddled with debt that needs paid and will make his future more difficult.

amother

Mon, Aug 25 2014, 6:49 pm

I actually think this thread is messed up. So now boys are only "normal" if they go to Kollel? Guess what? Who's going to pay for it? If you can't pay for his second year in Beis Medrash, then what happens after he gets married and has some kids? Who's paying for things then?

Wait. Let me guess. The girl and her family.

Kollel is for people who are really exceptional at learning and who can afford it. Somehow, the rest of us manage to go to college and be koveia itim and still be "normal". Thems the breaks. Stop crying over it and stop implying to your son that not learning in Kollel means he's not "normal" or even frum.