support for friend no longer in kollel

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Forum -> Household Management -> Finances

Support for friend no longer in kollel

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amother

Sat, Aug 30 2014, 6:06 pm

Would you continue to help out a friend whose husband is no longer learning? She has kids and her husband left kollel.

bnm

Sat, Aug 30 2014, 6:28 pm

does he have a job yet?

amother

Sat, Aug 30 2014, 6:45 pm

bnm wrote:

does he have a job yet?

He is taking a training class.

mirror

Sat, Aug 30 2014, 6:59 pm

Yes. It's still Tzedaka.

amother

Sat, Aug 30 2014, 7:01 pm

OPINIONATED wrote:

Yes. It's still Tzedaka.

Should the money go to someone else who is learning? At what point do I stop?

monseychick

Sat, Aug 30 2014, 7:04 pm

It doesnt depend on collel/no collel. Some collel families are quite wealthy, parents/savings..

Many working families bearly have what to eat..

amother

Sat, Aug 30 2014, 7:06 pm

amother wrote:

Should the money go to someone else who is learning? At what point do I stop?

is this regular money or massar funds that you are referring to?

momX4

Sat, Aug 30 2014, 7:13 pm

I think you should have a conversation with them, so that they can prepare for the support to stop. It would be nice if you can give the DH some time to find a job after he finished training. I think supporting someone so that they can eventually support themselves is the ultimate tzedokah.

amother

Sat, Aug 30 2014, 7:37 pm

momX4 wrote:

It would be awkward for me. I have no problem giving him time to get a job. I don't know at what point to stop and help out someone else. I wasn't told he left kollel by the family. The mom had a big let down. They are not my family and I wasn't close when I started. I don't want to pry into their money.

momX4

Sat, Aug 30 2014, 7:53 pm

amother wrote:

It may be awkward for the duration of the conversation, but imagine if c"v he doesn't get a job for a year or 2. You would be in a tough spot and may feel resenment. If you let them know now that you are happy to continue helping them out for X months after school is over, since you really want to find a new kollel family to support, then you wont feel bad stopping. You can write this in a note nicely with the next check.

amother

Sat, Aug 30 2014, 8:04 pm

momX4 wrote:

I am OK helping until he gets a job even if it for a year or 2 because I think he will be trying to get one and they have children. How long do I continue to give support after he gets a job? I imagine there is a transition period. Do you think the wife will feel bad getting support? I don't want her to feel that I think her husband is an inadequate provider.

amother

Sat, Aug 30 2014, 8:08 pm

amother wrote:

is this regular money or massar funds that you are referring to?

I am not sure why it is important. It is not massar.

momX4

Sat, Aug 30 2014, 8:14 pm

I cant answer as to when you should stop supporting. Maybe you should worry about this once the DH has a job and find out if they need the full support, or partial support should be enough. If they dont need your money anymore or feel bad taking it I am sure they would let you know.

By they way, I think its amazing that you do this.

amother

Sat, Aug 30 2014, 8:30 pm

momX4 wrote:

Thank you

We don't talk about finances at all. I was concerned about the upcoming yom tovim. Since I will continue support at least until he is done training and gets a job, I won't worry until that time.

amother

Sat, Aug 30 2014, 9:14 pm

amother wrote:

I am not sure why it is important. It is not massar.

If it was massar money I would have told you to ask a Rav. But since its regular money I think you can do however you are feeling.

amother

Emerald

Mon, Jan 25 2016, 6:17 pm

amother wrote:

If it was massar money I would have told you to ask a Rav. But since its regular money I think you can do however you are feeling.

Not exactly. There is a Halacha that you cannot give more than 20% of your money to Tzedaka.

mommy3b2c

Mon, Jan 25 2016, 7:46 pm

amother wrote:

If it was massar money I would have told you to ask a Rav. But since its regular money I think you can do however you are feeling.

What does a rav have to do with this? She can use her Masser to give tzedakah to anyone she chooses. They don't have to be learning. If they can't support themselves, than it is tzedakah.

amother

Smokey

Mon, Jan 25 2016, 7:57 pm

I just want to assure you that you are doing the right thing and a huge chessed by even considering continuing support after the recipient left kollel. After my DH left kollel was the hardest time of our lives. I felt so lost and alone. We had no more kollel stipend or other "benefits" but he was not yet making any income because he had to train for a career since he wasn't cut out for continuing in kodesh. He left kollel partly because of money (partly because it was time to move on but THAT was partly because money was becoming an issue and I was getting burnt out from working and mothering so much) and now we had even less money and I was working even harder than before, while meanwhile losing the pride of being one of the kollel families. I felt like I didn't fit in anywhere - I couldn't live at all like the balabatim but I wasn't one of the kollel wives either, not to mention that I wasn't going to have much of a social life with either group because I was too busy working my head off trying to keep us alive. It was a really dark time.

So continuing to support them through the transition is an amazing thing not only because of the money, which I can guarantee is a huge help in this situation, but also for feeling like you're not alone, you're not dumped just because you graduated from kollel. Someone still cares about you. You can't even imagine how much that could mean to someone who is in middle of a life change.

gittelchana

Mon, Jan 25 2016, 8:07 pm

amother wrote:

Would you continue to help out a friend whose husband is no longer learning? She has kids and her husband left kollel.

If they need assistance, it's Tzedakka. If they don't, it's not. It has nothing to do with learning.

Please open a Shulchan Aruch and learn Hilchos Tzedakka. I did and it opened my eyes. There are many things we "know" about Tzedakka which aren't true or aren't accurate. You gotta learn to know Wink

doctorima

Mon, Jan 25 2016, 8:11 pm

Just want to point out that OP posted 1.5 years ago and hopefully her friend is on her feet by now.

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