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Forum -> Relationships -> Giving Gifts
In-laws give our kids the same gifts
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amother


 

Post Sun, Aug 31 2014, 12:44 am
My sister-in-law has twins that are 2 months older than my DD. Right now we live far apart but very soon will be moving near them and the rest of my in-laws. Every time we visit we get gifts from the family and the first thing they say is "This is the same thing we got for ___ and ___!" It's sweet to get DD a gift but I feel like it's almost an afterthought when they say it like that, especially because they got the other kids' gifts first.

I was talking to my MIL today about wanting to buy one of those Fisher Price play houses to put outside, and she interrupted me and goes, "I'LL buy it! And I'll get the same one for ___ and ___! It's ossur to buy them different things you know. They might get upset, or jealous, so they all need to have the same things."

Looking at her perspective, as the gift-giver, I guess I can understand where she's coming from. However, as DD will have many birthdays and chagim with these cousins, I feel like her gifts will always be the "well this is what ___ and ___ got so here ya go". I don't want this to come off sounding insensitive or ungrateful. It's just I feel like since DD was born she's been compared to and "catching up" with these cousins (a lot of cultural differences and parenting differences, long explanation). Is it really so weird to think of kids as individuals and treat them each differently? Yes even in something as silly as gifts?
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 31 2014, 12:47 am
I think this policy is fine, but you might want to ask mil to stop mentioning the fact that the others got the same. or you can ask mil to get similar items for all the cousins, but slightly different so they'll want to play with each other's toys when visiting.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Aug 31 2014, 12:49 am
To put it in perspective, be grateful your MIL buys gifts for your kids. This is her way to build a relationship and show her love. She buys the same thing because she is so scared that someone will com pair. Just send her pictures of your kids playing with a thank you note and be grateful.

My MIL doesnt even know or care how old my kids are, when their birthdays are...
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amother


 

Post Sun, Aug 31 2014, 1:06 am
OP here. Sorry I didn't clarify - by in-laws I mean EVERYONE in the family. Not just MIL.

As I said, I get their idea - they don't want anyone to feel left out. But if they look at what each kid likes, their personality, whatever, I don't see how that's so bad. Yes I'm grateful they think of DD when they don't have to. Just the way they present it leaves me kind of baffled.

I have a younger brother who was born the day after a big chag and every year he always felt ripped off because he felt it got "shared" with the holiday by everyone else in the family (bringing gifts for the chag for each kid and giving him one saying "it's your bday gift too"). Not the same thing I know, but DD will go these cousins birthday parties, see their gifts, and know in 2 months she'll be getting the same things! lol
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ElTam




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 31 2014, 1:24 am
Your MIL can't win. She's bending over backwards to show that there is no favoritism by giving everyone the same gift. Just say thank you and stop worrying about what other kids are getting.
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Learning




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 31 2014, 1:34 am
amother wrote:
OP here. Sorry I didn't clarify - by in-laws I mean EVERYONE in the family. Not just MIL.

As I said, I get their idea - they don't want anyone to feel left out. But if they look at what each kid likes, their personality, whatever, I don't see how that's so bad. Yes I'm grateful they think of DD when they don't have to. Just the way they present it leaves me kind of baffled.

I have a younger brother who was born the day after a big chag and every year he always felt ripped off because he felt it got "shared" with the holiday by everyone else in the family (bringing gifts for the chag for each kid and giving him one saying "it's your bday gift too"). Not the same thing I know, but DD will go these cousins birthday parties, see their gifts, and know in 2 months she'll be getting the same things! lol

It's good. So she won't be jealous. She wil get the same thing. Maybe you can ask for something specific like you asked for the play house. So THEY will get the same things as you.
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heidi




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 31 2014, 1:38 am
I am trying to be sensitive but all I see is spoiled brat. Say thank you, teach your daughter to say thank you and grow up!
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rdmom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 31 2014, 1:43 am
Be happy that they get the same gifts. I don't remember the last time my daughter got a gift from my mother in law. She used to buy the girls bas mitzvah gifts. And then she stopped. Now that her daughters daughter will be bas mitzva, I really wonder if she will forget her too. Chances are that she won't.
She would go on and on about the really pretty outfit that she got my niece. Her daughter daughter. Who is the same age as my daughter. I would just say how cute and show off what my mom got me. Don't need her gifts.
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freidasima




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 31 2014, 1:48 am
I hear where you are coming from.
However at a young age it's not a problem, only when they get older and really have individual tastes. That might be the time to speak to your sisters and brothers in law first and see whether their children would be upset if everyone got individual gifts based on their needs and wants. If so, drop it. You don't expect or demand gifts you are just grateful for them. OTOH could be easier for your MIL to do this and thus not only not to have jealousy but to make life easier for her in buying gifts.
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imaima




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 31 2014, 1:55 am
I really think you expect imposiible from her. My brother has a baby and I buy the same things for the baby that I do for my kids, because my kids are older, I know which brands are good and which purchases are useful. And I do say that I used it for my kids and it was good. Why is that bad?
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chaniej




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 31 2014, 3:50 am
won't this sort of thing taper off? there'll be more grandchildren and different genders and these things get expensive! and as u said they're gonna like different things and that will become apparent as they get older.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Aug 31 2014, 4:52 am
Ha! My mil is the cheapest thing ever. The day we get a gift from her....
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 31 2014, 5:49 am
Some people do not have "the shopping gene". Shopping for variety can literally cause panic attacks.

If you find something that has good value, at a good price, it makes sense to buy multiples of that item and have all your shopping done at once. Stress is averted until the next simcha.

Who is rich? The one who is grateful for what they have. ~ Pirkei Avot
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userfriendly




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 31 2014, 8:00 am
" It's just I feel like since DD was born she's been compared to and "catching up" with these cousins (a lot of cultural differences and parenting differences, long explanation). Is it really so weird to think of kids as individuals and treat them each differently? Yes even in something as silly as gifts?[/quote]

Tell me if I'm wrong OP but I think this has to do a lot more with the comparison than the gifts. OP I get where you are coming from with the comparison of your nieces and dd bec I have the same issue with my ds who is a week younger than dh nephew and my ds is not advanced like the nephew. I feel like my ds will always be "playing catch up" with this nephew and for now I will let it go (I would step in if they ever make a comparison in front of my ds).
But OP it doesn't sound like your mil family is thinking of ur dd as a after thought rather it's probably cute for her to get the same toys. Plus I agree with other posters that she probably sees what good toys they are for her other granddaughters and wants to get the same for your daughter. Once you move closer it's possible your daughter may get some toys first too.
And one last point; if you want your daughter to have a little bit of a different dollhouse just tell her you researched it and want X one. She sounds like she wants I make you and dd happy and shldnt mind.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Aug 31 2014, 8:33 am
2 things
Firstly gift giving is a art and some people have it and some pple don't - its that simple. Someone I know just received a gift from someone who came when they were not home and planted one random bush in their lawn.( they had removed all bushes before this)
I know other people who spend a lot of time and thought on their gifts and use sechel with it
Secondly, I have the alternative situation where my mil will shower certain grandchildren with gifts and none or much lesser for the others . she even gives her more favorite grandchildren their own gifts while staying in my house without anything for my kids !
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amother


 

Post Sun, Aug 31 2014, 8:52 am
amother wrote:
2 things
Firstly gift giving is a art and some people have it and some pple don't - its that simple. Someone I know just received a gift from someone who came when they were not home and planted one random bush in their lawn.( they had removed all bushes before this)
I know other people who spend a lot of time and thought on their gifts and use sechel with it
Secondly, I have the alternative situation where my mil will shower certain grandchildren with gifts and none or much lesser for the others . she even gives her more favorite grandchildren their own gifts while staying in my house without anything for my kids !


LOL My mother did the same, but she would give certain children in the same family presents but not others at chanukah because she didn't like those kids. shock
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amother


 

Post Sun, Aug 31 2014, 9:03 am
OP here. I guess I made the mistake of posting on here while I was upset about a multitude of things regarding my in-laws and other thing. On top of pregnancy hormones and stress, I guess the silly playhouse convo just rubbed me the wrong way and I got overly frustrated. Nothing like getting called a spoiled brat to get you out of a funk. Thanks for the wake up call and I will just shut my mouth from now on.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Aug 31 2014, 9:38 am
25 Years of marriage and not one of my kids (or my husband and myself) have ever gotten a singe present from my MIL, not for Bar/Bas mitzvahs, nothing. We are all FFB's living in the same NY neighborhood.
She doesn't have money and I'm OK with that, it's not the lack of gifts, it's the lack of acknowledging that important days pass.The lack of acknowledging birthdays, anniversaries, makes us feel unimportant. My parents don't have money either and don't give presents, but make phone calls and visit, talk to the kids etc.
If we ever forget her Birthday, oh boy........
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 31 2014, 10:51 am
ElTam wrote:
Your MIL can't win. She's bending over backwards to show that there is no favoritism by giving everyone the same gift. Just say thank you and stop worrying about what other kids are getting.


This. In all caps, bolded and italicized.
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SRS




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 31 2014, 11:12 am
Your MIL is probably afraid of giving a gift that is different and having someone think she is giving less or favoring someone else. How many threads have we had about that?

If she discusses gift giving with you, there is nothing wrong with saying some like it would be fine with me if you give something different so the cousins have variety when they get together or just letting her know what your kids are into so she knows what they like more than anything. And if/when she takes that suggestion you need to follow up with big thanks even if you feel "shorted" or disappointed because it is scary for grandparents to be in a position where their Children-in-Law or Children have decided there is some sort of favoritism, real or imaginary.
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