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Forum -> Relationships -> Giving Gifts
In-laws give our kids the same gifts
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Scrabble123




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 31 2014, 8:14 am
I feel that this is a wonderful policy! Imagine she'd buy one side Gucci shoes and the other Payless! There would be a lot bigger problems then....
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amother


 

Post Sun, Aug 31 2014, 8:47 am
OP again. Thanks for all the input from the other point of view. As Scrabble brought up, though, the difference between us is my in-laws prefer flashy and expensive brand-name gifts where I am more than happy with something from Target. It's just a difference of taste and maybe that is my problem. When DD was born, MIL came back from the mall with hundreds of dollars worth of brand-name baby clothes that DD maybe only wore a few times. It makes me feel extremely guilty (okay, insecure?) that she spends $50 on sandals for a growing child when I spent $2 at the Children's Place sale! It's not that I don't want gorgeous things for my kids - I just don't believe they should grow up thinking those things are so important. And if they see their cousins are always getting those types of gifts and that's what they receive from my in-laws, maybe they'll start asking why ima and abba don't buy them those things too. But this is delving into a whole new issue, I think!
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SRS




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 31 2014, 9:31 am
If brand name clothing becomes a priority for your children, you can show them the tricks of the trade and how they can buy the stuff they like at consignment stores for very little. Don't mention brand names and as your kids grow talk about getting value for your dollar.

If your kids ask why bubbe can spend that type of money you can explain that you put away money when you are younger and can enjoy it when you are older. And hopefully then when you take a cruise instead of sending your grandchildren on a vacation, they won't be complaining on imamother.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 31 2014, 9:52 am
amother wrote:
And if they see their cousins are always getting those types of gifts and that's what they receive from my in-laws, maybe they'll start asking why ima and abba don't buy them those things too. But this is delving into a whole new issue, I think!


You're overanalyzing. Children know that grandparents are not the same as parents; the entire relationship is different. Chinuch, discipline, restraint, whole-wheat bread and veggies--that's a parent's job. Grandparents have already BTDT and are now all about indulging and having fun. Kids do not expect their parents to treat them the same as their grandparents do.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Aug 31 2014, 10:43 am
OP.

zaq, you are absolutely right... that part slipped my mind.

and yes, I'm absolutely overanalyzing the entire concept here. no more posting while I'm this hormonal. I would hate for anyone to consider me a spoiled brat in reality (even though in the moment I posted I certainly was being ridiculous). At least you can always count on imamothers to set you straight lol Smile
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amother


 

Post Sun, Aug 31 2014, 12:09 pm
..... I wish I could have your complaints. My in laws bought my nieces and nephews designer clothes and never spent a penny on my kids. You are blessed that your inlaws treat everyone equally. How many of us wish to be in your shoes.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Aug 31 2014, 12:31 pm
amother wrote:
My sister-in-law has twins that are 2 months older than my DD. Right now we live far apart but very soon will be moving near them and the rest of my in-laws. Every time we visit we get gifts from the family and the first thing they say is "This is the same thing we got for ___ and ___!" It's sweet to get DD a gift but I feel like it's almost an afterthought when they say it like that, especially because they got the other kids' gifts first.

I was talking to my MIL today about wanting to buy one of those Fisher Price play houses to put outside, and she interrupted me and goes, "I'LL buy it! And I'll get the same one for ___ and ___! It's ossur to buy them different things you know. They might get upset, or jealous, so they all need to have the same things."

Looking at her perspective, as the gift-giver, I guess I can understand where she's coming from. However, as DD will have many birthdays and chagim with these cousins, I feel like her gifts will always be the "well this is what ___ and ___ got so here ya go". I don't want this to come off sounding insensitive or ungrateful. It's just I feel like since DD was born she's been compared to and "catching up" with these cousins (a lot of cultural differences and parenting differences, long explanation). Is it really so weird to think of kids as individuals and treat them each differently? Yes even in something as silly as gifts?


OP, my MIL is a very generous gift-giver, and she does it, as you describe, with equity. My girls (twins) get exactly what their 5-months-older female cousin gets. Always. And vice versa. When I was a new mother and MIL wanted to gift us baby necessities (be it a car-seat, stroller, high-chair, whatever) she would buy only whatever brands/styles my SIL's had and make sure with each gift to tell me, "this is the same one ___ has." Before there were any grandchildren she would give me and my 2 SILs exactly the same gifts for all occasions, even though we each are totally different in looks, personality, life-style, you name it.

It may be weird and unnecessary to give gifts in such a way, and true I have often gotten odd things I haven't wanted or liked, just because that's what this one got/wanted/liked, but I have never lost sight of the fact that at the end of the day I have a MIL who is generous and caring and giving us so much. I read some of the awful MIL threads on here and feel nothing but gratitude.
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Barbara




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 31 2014, 12:52 pm
OP, when your DD expresses real preferences,this will likely change. But you can help it along.

Hi, MIL. I hope I'm not being too presumptuous, but DD's birthday is coming up, and I wanted to know if you wanted ideas. Oh,yes, I know that you gave cousins Ooba Joobas. SIL was just telling me how much the girls love them. And of course DD likes playing with her cousins' Ooba Joobas. But she's really gotten into Gobleygooks lately, and I know she would just love one for her birthday.
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mk613




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 01 2014, 3:38 am
My grandmother did the same thing for my female cousins and me when we were kids. When we were small, we never fought about who had the best present, and when we grew up having the same piece of jewelry or whatever actually made us feel closer. We would wear the same earrings to a simcha and feel like twins.

OP, it sounds like your MIL is really trying. If you give her suggestions for what your child would like, maybe that would help alleviate some of the feelings of "they got it first."
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abound




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 01 2014, 5:05 am
Barbara wrote:
OP, when your DD expresses real preferences,this will likely change. But you can help it along.

Hi, MIL. I hope I'm not being too presumptuous, but DD's birthday is coming up, and I wanted to know if you wanted ideas. Oh,yes, I know that you gave cousins Ooba Joobas. SIL was just telling me how much the girls love them. And of course DD likes playing with her cousins' Ooba Joobas. But she's really gotten into Gobleygooks lately, and I know she would just love one for her birthday.


I think it is distasteful to ask for gifts or specify which one you want, unless asked. (even then......)
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