DS hid over a week's worth of used diapers under his bed

bigsis144

Sun, Aug 31 2014, 8:45 am

My almost 5-year old still sleeps in a diaper, and I've been trying to encourage him to stay dry through the night. We cut out drinks before bedtime, he makes sure to use the bathroom after brushing his teeth, etc.

In exchange, I give him a small treat in the morning, like a cookie. (Sticker charts didn't work as motivation; he needs a blatant and instantaneous bribe/reward.)

Anyway, this system has been going on pretty much all summer, and DS has had a dry diaper and has gotten his treat every morning. I was even thinking of trying out putting DS in underwear/boxer shorts for the night.

Until this morning, when I noticed DS's diaper was on *backward*.

I know I didn't do that.

I don't know how I guessed (I think something clicked in my mind as I thought about how DS's room has been a bit funky-smelling recently), but in a completely calm, curious voice, I asked DS if he'd put his own diaper on this morning and if he'd actually woken up with a pishy diaper. His eyes went wide, and he told me to stay put, and then he ran to his room, got something and put it in the garbage can. Then he said, "Yes, I made a pishy diaper, but I put it in the garbage."

Again, without showing anger, I simply asked if there were any more diapers in his room. He said yes, underneath his bed under a blanket. I went to check and there were at least EIGHT urine-soaked diapers (thank G-d no poop) under there. Puke

No wonder his room stunk.

I'm waiting until I can figure out a coherent and productive response before I talk to him about it. For now, I just told him I'm not angry and I thanked him for admitting what he'd done. I think he feels guilty, because after I said "I love you" he said, "No you don't love me! You don't love me because I do bad things!" and ran away and got busy doing something else so I couldn't continue the conversation.

Which I'm okay with, because I'm still sorta processing this. How to I talk to him about lying and trust and how he wants treats so badly that he'll lie and do something unsanitary (which could easily overlap with dangerous) to fool me into getting them... *sigh*

bigsis144

Sun, Aug 31 2014, 9:00 am

I am absolutely positive he lied for the treat. If I delay the treat by even a little while to take a shower or deal with the baby or something, he'll start to nag and whine and demand and make his "angry face" while holding up his fist... verbal praise (about anything, not just potty training) almost bothers him, he constantly brushes it off/contradicts it/tells me to take it back. He just wants the treat. Sad

(yeah, I have lots of different things to work on with this kid. For various reasons, he may see a child psychologist soon.)

freidasima

Sun, Aug 31 2014, 12:11 pm

Skip the treats. Doesn't seem to work. Try a child psychologist. But also try the bell or any other wake up training system during the night, sometimes they work. Other times they don't. Some kids don't get dry until nearing puberty when the whole area grows. Not fun. Not easy.

Just tell him you love him, he has a problem, you want to work on it together and eventually it will work out. Tell him to chill, you chill, tell him lots of boys go through this and none of them talk about it either so not to worry that his friends haven't said anything, some might have a similar problem.

And get to a specialist. Pediatric urologist, and then child psychologist.
Hatzlocho...and go sit down with him and have a cookie.

marina

Sun, Aug 31 2014, 12:46 pm

I recommend not focusing on the lying at all. At this age they are still under the impression that if they say it, it becomes true. They're not going to have an understanding of why it's wrong to lie, so don't talk about it at all.

And I wouldn't make a big deal. Just tell him every morning to get it out from under his bed and toss it into the trash. Just like you tell him to clean off his plate or put his clothes in the hamper.

busymom

Sun, Aug 31 2014, 2:41 pm

I know this wasn't your question, but I just want to share that the bed wetting alarm worked within a week for my dd, who was four at the time. My sil then borrowed it and used it for her son (7-8 years), and it solved the problem within a matter of days. I'm not sure who was more relieved, my sil or nephew! His bed wetting had really bothered him but he was quite helpless to do anything about it. My alarm has now been passed on to my sil's neighbor... Not even sure who has it now. So far, all success stories. It's definitely worth a try.

When parents wake up a child at night to take to the bathroom, they are simply allowing him to empty his bladder so that he - hopefully - won't need to do it again that night. However, he is not learning to wake up when it's full. The alarm trains the person to wake up when they need to go. Most children are bothered by their inability to stay dry, and the relief they feel when achieving success is amazing!

Jewishmofm

Sun, Aug 31 2014, 11:48 pm

Ummm. Can I be the voice of dissension here? Why are you pushing your son to be dry at night when he is obviously not ready? Medically speaking, there is usually no concern about bedwetting in boys until age 8. It's very prevalent before that point.
If you are concerned that this may be a symptom of ill health, you may want to check his sleep breathing pattern, as bedwetting has been linked to sleep apnea.

bigsis144

Mon, Sep 01 2014, 12:00 am

Jewishmofm wrote:

I'm not expecting DS to be perfectly dry at night! The reward in the morning started out as a reward for doing the right things before bed -- stopping his nightly bottles, and using the bathroom before bed.

Once the bottles stopped, and bathroom became a routine, I wanted to move on because I can't keep rewarding him forever for not having a bottle before bed. So it morphed into trying to encourage being dry in the morning, and BECAUSE it seemed so instantly successful -- as far as I knew until this morning's revelation, stopping the bottles and using the bathroom pretty much guaranteed he'd wake up dry -- it didn't seem like too much to ask. DS is a tall kid, and diapers/pull-ups are expensive and if he grows any more they won't have them in his size. So moving to sleeping in underwear, even if there were occasional bed-wetting set-backs, seemed like the logical next step.

But now that I see he clearly HASN'T been staying dry through the night I can rethink my entire trajectory.

(Side note: Thanks for the advice and comments, everyone. Am I the only mother who PERMANENTLY feels like she has no friggin' clue how to be a mother? Like, EVER. Sad

)

seeker

Mon, Sep 01 2014, 12:59 am

The combination of him saying you don't love him because he does bad things, PLUS his rejection of praise is sending up huge alarm bells in my mind. I would completely ignore the whole diaper issue and instead spend my mental energy thinking about how to build his self esteem in general.

I wonder if something could have happened in school or camp or elsewhere in life to make him think of himself as someone who does bad things and is undeserving of praise.

I think you handled it great. I don't know if I would remember to stay so calm and neutral in that situation.

write on

Mon, Sep 01 2014, 5:03 am

You are asking about how to deal with your own feelings.

How about asking how to help your son with his feelings?!

It is completely age-appropriate for a five-year-old to not be toilet-trained at night. Look at the stats and speak to your doctor. It’s very common.

Every night five to seven million children in the United States wet their beds. More boys than girls do. About 15 percent of five-year-olds are wet at night. By age 12 about three percent of kids still wet the bed (mostly boys).
http://www.med.umich.edu/yourc.....s.htm

your son may be feeling tremendous pressure to stay dry which you knowingly or unknowingly are creating. this may be related to what you said about constantly feeling like you're not sure how to parent. Is there some pressure you're feeling to have your child night-trained? Like if he's not, then you're not a worthy mother? Are other people making comments about it that make you feel inadequate? If this is a problem then maybe you can talk to your pediatrician or a parenting coach for advice. If I'm totally off the mark then you just got a free (albeit useless!) psychoanalysis! :-)

amother

Mon, Sep 01 2014, 5:54 am

Oh my goodness, poor sweetie, you can tell from what he said that the guilt of those diapers had been weighing on him. Please don't start any more conversations about it, he did what any 4 year old would do if they wanted a treat and knew they couldn't earn it. It was just a lifnei iver situation (you didn't realize that of course)!

Just try in future to be careful about the potty training thing, because kids don't want to feel inadequate in anything but especially not in this area, and there's a lot of emotion that can come up. With boys especially they may not be ready to stay dry at night until they're older (one of mine was 8).

Speaking about chinuch in general: what I've learned over the years with my kids is to just love them and encourage them and not be too much in a hurry. If you're a good role model for proper behavior, and you create a warm loving environment, there's not too much else you need to do.

amother

Mon, Sep 01 2014, 9:44 am

I'll be the lone one to recommend night lifting. I know it's not recommended anymore (mostly because you are not actually teaching the child anything, and how will you know when to stop) but we did it with our then five year old. He is a heavy sleeper, and was waking up soaking, even soaking through the biggest size diapers. The problem was that it was really affecting his self esteem and would put him in a bad mood that could last all day. I know it's not a medical problem until age 8, but his brother who was 16 months younger than him was almost ready to be dry at night, and I was purposely keeping him in a diaper just because of this son. He also used to hide his wet clothes, either changing himself (only the pants, leaving his wet undershirt on, so he still smelled) and hiding the clothes under the bed in the guest bedroom.
We started night lifting, and he was then mostly able to stay dry. He would sometimes still have accidents, and when he woke up and found himself wet, he would be devastated, and it came out as anger. Of course we were encouraging, calm, reassuring him that it was ok and we would take care of it - not easy with an angry 5 year old. Every once in a while DH would not take him, and invariably within 2 or 3 days he would have an accident again. Recently we tried stopping again (he's now 6 1/2) and he has been dry for over a month. Some kids don't care to be wet until age 8 or beyond, but it really bothered him. For him, night-lifting was definitely the best decision, and allowed him to wake up feeling like a human being instead of wet and sticky and smelly.
This son is also highly-independant and private, to the point where he is almost sneaky in taking care of what he thinks he wants/needs to do, and a change of plans would send him into a complete rage, but that seems to be getting a little better as he matures. Dealing with the rest of your son's issues...good luck.