Financial in-law issues.

amother

Tue, Sep 02 2014, 1:00 pm

This is partly just a vent and partly looking for advice or suggestions.

My in-laws are very different from my parents and the way I was brought up. They have nicer cars, go on very nice vacations usually twice a year, eat out very often and buy nice cloths. While I know that they don't owe us anything and they are enjoying their retirement years... there are certain things that rub me the wrong way. When they come and visit we will go to a restaurant on their request to "give me a break". Very nice and much appreciated as we never go out to eat. However the next night they will say let's go to a different restaurant and the bill comes and my FIL will say something like - "we payed last night you guy's should pay tonight." WHAT? No thank you. I would never have gone out if that was the case. The one night out cost me more than cooking at home three meals. This happens very often. Or they will expect to split the bill and we will both hand over a credit card to do an even split.

This attitude is the COMPLETE opposite of my parents and family. My parents drive old cars and rarely go on vacation, but they would NEVER take me out to eat and ask me to pay. Even if we were going out for their birthday or something. I understand that they are even extreme in how generous they are to us.

We have not hit yeshiva tution yet, but are financially b"h fine. I don't expect money from my IL's. I just see their attitude of money and how they spend on themselves vs treating us as almost selfish. I don't expect them to take me out and am totally fine cooking and eating at home, but if they do take me out - pay for it.

Here is the big issue...They have been wanting us to come on vacation with them since we got married. My brother-in-laws and families have all gone (My dh is a BT, so we are the only ones that are frum). However they only pay for the place... the plane tickets, food, and extras are all on us. While it is "generous" to pay for the place.. the rest is still expensive (and that is not including using up vacation day's at work). We have yet to go for that reason or on any other vacations. We have very small kids now - meaning traveling in general is more of a headache if you ask me... but they want us to come, so we are going. With flights and everything this is going to cost us easily 3k. But THEY are doing us the favor of paying for the place!!! The only reason we are going is for my dh and his parents, but I can't get over the resentment. It just makes me mad about everything. We do have the money, but I would not spend it on a vacation if it was up to me or my dh (my dh's spending habbits have drastically changed since we got married).

There you have it. Any suggestions are more than welcome!

amother

Tue, Sep 02 2014, 1:09 pm

Hugs!

We have been in a similar situation, and I have no advice.... Sad

Inlaws practically "forced" us to go on a family vacation because they got a group discount and wouldn''t qualify if we didn't come. We hated the destination, accommodations, you-name-it... but we had to put on a smiley face and express our appreciation. Never mind all the extra unwanted expenses incurred like takeout, day trips, work vacation days etc. that was all on us. To top it off, we have extremely active, special needs kids. It was no vacation for us at all.

That's life I guess.

black sheep

Tue, Sep 02 2014, 1:14 pm

my first thought was don't go out to eat with them. say "no thank you" when they suggest dinner out. but now it seems you are entangled in a bit of a mess, you agreed to an expensive vacation and you are resenting it.

it sounds like they have a very different view on money than you do. to put it mildly, it sounds like they are not at all frugal, while you are. so you will both never understand each other. it is like two different languages. not that there is anything bad or good of either one, but they are different.

were you pressured into this vacation? I think really the main question is if your husband wants this vacation or if he was pressured into it. because if he wants it, then consider the 3K an investment in his happiness, and let go of the resentment. but if he was also pressured and doesn't want to go, then I would suggest trying to cancel and get a refund, and thank your in-laws kindly but suggest they come spend time at your house instead, with homemade dinners of course.

busymom

Tue, Sep 02 2014, 1:28 pm

Either say, "No, thank you," and don't go out to dinner/vacation/etc. Or, if you DO go, at least make the most of your money and enjoy yourself! If this would be money your family desperately needs for bread and butter, I can understand not being able to get over the resentment. But since that is not the case, once you agree to go along with their plans, don't waste your own money being bitter the entire time. Remind yourself that you are doing this for your husband - who, I assume, cares about his family - and then just enjoy the moment!

My parents are also much more frugal than my husband's family, and years ago, I would be quite judgmental about my mil's spending habits. It's the intolerance that makes us bitter and resentful. While I still respect my parents' frugal lifestyle, I also learned that it's healthy to enjoy life sometimes.