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Very competitive daughter



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amother


 

Post Tue, Sep 02 2014, 6:33 pm
My four year old daughter is extremely competitive, she always needs to be the first one to do everything if not she throws a fit.
For exampe: My son is three and if he seatbelts himself before she does she gets so upset, if they are running to greet my husband she has to get to him first. How do I deal with making her understand that being first for everything is not important.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Sep 03 2014, 4:05 pm
different amother

*bump*

because I have the same thing LOL and wondering what sage advice the experienced amothers have.
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Scrabble123




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 03 2014, 6:29 pm
I don't have much advice for you, but I'd like to point out that being competitive is not the same as throwing a fit when you lose: that's called being a sore loser. Many competitive people enjoy competition and I believe it's an asset, especially when combined with other healthy ideas. Your child is young, but I guess you can try discuss how trying ones best is important, more important than being first. Also, don't compare or create competitions in inappropriate contexts.
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bigbird




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 03 2014, 7:44 pm
amother wrote:
My four year old daughter is extremely competitive, she always needs to be the first one to do everything if not she throws a fit.
For exampe: My son is three and if he seatbelts himself before she does she gets so upset, if they are running to greet my husband she has to get to him first. How do I deal with making her understand that being first for everything is not important.


I have a son like this. He just turned 7 and we're still working on it! Before we play a game, I announce, "whoever thinks they'll throw a tantrum if they don't win, don't play the game". Of course he wants to play so he'll try to keep control if things don't go his way. But it's a big problem; he will cheat if he thinks things aren't working out the way he wants.

And when he does act maturely, lots of praise.

I can't say I've tried this so I don't know if it really helps, but I've read about telling lots of stories (during a calm moment) that illustrate the right way to behave and the importance of doing your best even if the result isn't the best. Apparently this is supposed to give them the message but I have to admit, I'm skeptical.

Maybe lots of praise to the other child that does what he's supposed to without making a fuss, to make a point and also modelling the behaviour yourself: I lost the game, oh well, I'll be a sport about. Well done to the winner.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 03 2014, 8:03 pm
For my kids with autism, this is a huge issue, and we work on it a lot. A lot of techniques that work with challenged kids will work even faster with neurotypical kids, so try these ideas:

1. Have a small reward (sticker, one chip, etc) for everyone who says "great job" on another's turn, or "oh, well" if they don't do as well as they would like on their own. Reward calm games and good sportsmanship at the end of the game, too.

2. Be sure to play with them frequently, and model what they should do.

3. Spend time playing non competetive games, too. We like "Moose in the House", where the main object is to be silly.

4. Turn games upside down. Last one to the top is the winner.

5. Listen to the Tom Chapin song, "sore loser" and discuss.

6. For an opposite strategy, try playing a single game often with a determined-to-win child. Let them cheat. Eventually, they will realize that it is more fun to play a longer game with fair rules, and risk losing, than to be handed a win.

7. Wait! Most kids mature eventually, and realize that having fun is more important than winning.

Hatzlacha.
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WorkingMother




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 03 2014, 9:36 pm
My son's pre-school teacher had a song:
First is the best,
Second is the best,
Third is the best,
Etc :)

She also used to say:
If you win, you win!
If you lose, you win!
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Scrabble123




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 03 2014, 10:06 pm
WorkingMother wrote:
My son's pre-school teacher had a song:
First is the best,
Second is the best,
Third is the best,
Etc Smile

She also used to say:
If you win, you win!
If you lose, you win!


I don't agree with this. The best will be used in contexts to mean the winner, who was first, etc. Although there are many ways to explain what "the best" means, I think children (and all people) need to understand and feel that it is ok to not be the best. It's much more valuable to teach children about what their best effort is worth and how it is acceptable to not be the best. By saying everything is the best (first, second, third, etc.), you're impressing upon children that they have to be the "best" by focusing on making everything best.
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WorkingMother




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 05 2014, 1:01 am
I think you have to be a pre-schooler for the song to work Smile

Pre-school kids are always racing to be the first and comparing what is bigger and better. They think in black and white: I'm the winner which is good or the loser which is bad.

These songs teach them that they can feel like 'the best / winner' - no matter if you're first, second or third.

If I see that a game is competitive and someone is starting to pout about losing we will continue to play until the last player wins.

Also, sometimes I dramatically 'cry' when I lose and they laugh their heads off and try to calm me down. "Mommy, it's OK, it's only a game!"

Regarding greeting your husband, I remember times when my father would pretend to leave again so that the next kid could be 'the first' to greet him. It was a fun game. We realized that my father was not really leaving, but we each wanted that rush of love by greeting him 'first'.

I wonder if this would help. You're showing her that there is enough love to go around and if she can't get it the first time you can construct ways for her to get the same result without competing with her sister.

Regarding seatbelts, I would explain that it doesn't matter who is first or second because you can't drive until everyone is in their seatbelt. Maybe ask her why she thinks it's 'better' to be in a seatbelt first.
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amother


 

Post Fri, Sep 05 2014, 1:19 am
Thanks for all your ideas which I will try ...
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