Why can't I know who hurt ds in school??

imaima

Fri, Sep 05 2014, 9:49 am

Privacy for not being labeled as a hitter and scratcher. In many children hitting and scratching is an episode connected to stress in their life. If they move/have a new sibling/parents fight, it can result in hitting and scratching. So what exactly should their parent own up to? Yes my bad, I had a baby..does it help you?
And they surely do own up to their kids behavior but TO THE SCHOOL not to other parents.

Barbara

Fri, Sep 05 2014, 10:21 am

Ruchel wrote:

It's a new policy. And it's not about discussing issues but owning up to your kid's behaviour. Privacy for what, for hitting and scratching?

Privacy for any information about the child that is none of your business.

Why does it help you to know this stuff?

What information do you need beyond, "A child hit your daughter at recess today. We've spoken to the parents, and are working with them and the child to ensure that it doesn't happen again. The parents asked us to convey their apologies, and the child has apologized to your daughter."

Why do you feel that you have the right to hear, "Shira hit your daughter at recess. Shira's been having some behavioral issues since her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. We're having her talk to her favorite teacher for a few minutes after davening every day, and we think that's helping, but we're also going to make sure she stays near the playground monitor at recess."

Shira's not your kid. Its none of your business.

HonesttoGod

Fri, Sep 05 2014, 10:39 am

To all of you who cannot understand the privacy thing, I know someone who had a baby and that day in school her kid hit another kid. Totally normal, nothing majorly disastrous. Well this new mommy got a phone call from the other parent who went on a 15minute rant about how she should train her kids better, teach that hitting is unacceptable, make her 3year old write an apology note and more.

So yes, privacy rules should be mandatory. And if the school is not dealing with it correctly work with them, not the other parent.

marina

Fri, Sep 05 2014, 1:03 pm

Public schools, in America, are prohibited legally from disclosing who bullied or bit your child. The law is called FERPA, the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act, and schools who ignore it risk being defunded.

The idea is that a child's disciplinary record (including why he got in trouble the day he bit your child) is a private educational record, no different than that student's report card. Another parent doesn't get to learn its contents, end of story.

This law means well, but ultimately creates some challenges for districts and parents.

Private schools are typically not subject to FERPA, but often adopt the same principles.

Last edited by marina on Fri, Sep 05 2014, 1:27 pm; edited 2 times in total

marina

Fri, Sep 05 2014, 1:10 pm

Quote:

In any case, no IEP requires accommodation of disruptive behavior. Maybe there was a bad teacher who couldn't control the class, which resulted in these types of issues. But under the circumstances that you describe, the IEP should have been re-evauluated, including consideration of a more appropriate placement. I blame the school.

I recommend you not blame the school, but rather address your concerns to your federal legislators. Special education law makes it extraordinarily difficult to remove a child for behavior related to his or her disability. If a child, for example, receives services as someone with an emotional disorder, and that child throws tantrums and disrupts the class, the district will have a very difficult time removing the child to a different setting without the parents' consent. The district's best option often is to file an administrative complaint with the state department of education and go through hearings and appeals (costing in the hundreds of thousands in some places) to convince a hearing officer ( and then a federal court) that the child belongs elsewhere. Alternatively, the district can offer to pay for private school for the child; the parents still don't have to agree. The main exceptions to the above are for drugs, weapons, or serious bodily injury.

In sum, don't blame the school so quickly.

marina

Fri, Sep 05 2014, 1:17 pm

Quote:

I begged the school not to mainstream her because she can't be held to the standards of behavior as neurotypical kids, but they insisted that because she could read well, that she did not qualify for special ed.

*banging head on desk*

Being high functioning SUCKS!

This is not legal advice because I am not licensed to practice law where you live and you and I do not have an attorney client relationship. That said, if your daughter is not doing well in her current placement, I'd consider asking for an Independent Educational Evaluation paid for by the district. I would also seriously consider consulting with an attorney. Some attorneys recoup their fees through the settlements and don't seek them from the parents. Good luck.

marina

Fri, Sep 05 2014, 1:23 pm

Quote:

In the future, I'd also advise the teachers about the fact that your DD has an extremely weak bladder, and needs to use the restroom frequently. She doesn't like to talk about that, though. Then tell her that if things get overwhelming in the classroom because of the behavior of other kids, she needs the restroom. Bad. Until they calm down, or she calms down. It would be better if the school could have a place for her to go, but the bathroom should work in case of emergency. Would a stress ball also help her?

I strongly advise you not to lie to teachers, even when you are frustrated. If you tell them there's a bladder control problem when there isn't one, there's no reason for them to believe you when you talk about problems your child actually has.

Barbara

Fri, Sep 05 2014, 1:48 pm

marina wrote:

Quote:

You do what you have to do to protect your child.

Do you honestly believe that most schools care about the truth? Because my experience is that schools rarely do. They do what's easiest for them.

Barbara

Fri, Sep 05 2014, 2:40 pm

marina wrote:

Your post is sad and obviously reflects a horrible experience you had or are having. My experience is very different.

The fact that your experience is different does not negate my experience, or what I see and hear every day from people I know.

Nor is it necessarily horrible. Schools and parents do what they need to do to get the results that they need to get, particularly when they are otherwise hamstrung by administrations and regulations.

spinkles

Fri, Sep 05 2014, 3:30 pm

It's lashon hara for the schools to tell you, because lots of mothers see it as something terrible if another kid bites their kid. They don't see it as just something kids do sometimes. Years down the road they will still look at that kid as one they want to keep their little darling away from.

It's different if there's toeles involved, like in the case of an ongoing bullying problem.

amother

Sun, Sep 07 2014, 9:40 am

My older kids were occasionally bitten by others when they were small. I, like you, was angry, and judged the parents of the biting child unfavorably. Then I had my youngest son. He has a slight developmental delay. When he started gan he was very stressed. He did not understand what was going on. He started to bite other kids when they got too close to him and he felt scared. It happened nearly every day. It was AWFUL for me. Far far far worse than when my kids were the victim. The staff would not tell me who he bit. I wanted to apologize. They said that this was a bad idea. In hindsight, they were right. Sometimes when I can to pick him up (3-4 hours earlier than the other kids, bc that was all he and the staff could handle in the beginning) sometimes some of kids would tell me who he bit. I always went to that child and said how sorry I was. Sorry that that person had been hurt. That my child was not mad at him, but rather feeling scared. I really really wanted him to stop.

After about 4 months, with a lot excellent work from the staff, and in truth really only due to enormous chasdei Hashem, he stopped biting. By 6 mths the kids were very friendly towards him, coming to tell me that they were his 'best' friend, rather than that he had hurt someone. He still shows some sign of mild autism, although he has not been assessed yet.

I know that it is extremely upsetting to see your child come home hurt. But Please, it's chodesh Elul. Judge the child favorably. Judge the parents favorably. That is your obligation in this situation. The school will do all it can to protect your child. If it's anything more than just a one-off situation, the parents are probably organizing therapists and implementing strategies and worrying about what will be with their child. Daven to Hashem that your child will be safe, but also that this child will stop feeling the need to bite.

Be grateful that you don't know who the child is so you don't come to an aveiro from judging negatively or even worse, acting in an angry way to the child or his parents.

Most is all TRUST that Hashem will help you AND all the children involved .

Sorry for such a long post.

marina

Sun, Sep 07 2014, 1:30 pm

Barbara wrote:

This is how this exchange sounds:

Quote:

Barbara: do you honestly believe that all _____ (insert men, women, blacks, gays, social workers, doctors etc) care about the truth? Because my experience is that they rarely do. They just do whatever is easiest for them.

Marina: Your post is sad and obviously reflects a horrible experience you had or are having. My experience is very different.

Barbara: The fact that your experience is different does not negate my experience, or what I see and hear every day from people I know. Nor is it horrible. All those women/men/blacks/gays/doctors/social workers do whatever they need to do and if it's dishonesty, then that's what it is.

Don't you see how that's a bit prejudiced? You're lumping in all schools and their employees (really a huge group) and making a negative judgment of them based on your experience. How is this different than me saying that all Hispanic males grope women in NYC subways, based on my experiences? Or all Jews are dishonest?

Barbara

Sun, Sep 07 2014, 2:17 pm

marina wrote:

Actually,that's not what I said. You seem to enjoy twisting and turning arguments around to fit your agenda, and when that doesn't work, just making up things as you go along. I refuse to argue against your little fantasy world. Enjoy yourself.

miami85

Sun, Sep 07 2014, 2:41 pm

I haven't read all the responses, but from my experience as a preschool teacher I used to DREAD biting situations. Biting often occurs at the 3 year old age when a child can't express his anger in words and impulsively reacts by biting. It often happens in the blink of an eye and there isn't a whole lot you, as the teacher, can do, other than keeping the triggers at bay, but things can change in an instant. Biting, if it breaks the skin can also cause the most damage of most classroom inflicted wounds. However, if it doesn't break the skin, it's relatively minor-- clean it, ice it, and usually all better. It involves incident reports on BOTH children and calls to BOTH parents. The parent of the biter feels AWFUL and usually embarrassed, the parent of the bitee feels ANGRY and VINDICTIVE. However, because biting can be a common occurrence in preschool, it often comes with a reminder that the bitee may also be the offender in the future (or in the past)

A friend of mine once had a parent come down to school with the police threatening to sue the school if he child EVER got bitten again.

Special education mandates that unless under SEVERE circumstances, you cannot suspend a child from school for misbehavior.

Special education students are also protected under privacy laws.

I know that the OP feels a little better, for future reference, you can inform the teacher that "my son and so-and-so didn't get along last year, so please make sure they stay separated" but other than that you have no business knowing who the offender is. If the child becomes a REAL problem in the classroom then the child may need extra support or if not a special education, be referred for special education services. Take comfort knowing that if YOUR child was the bully you would be granted the same consideration.