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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
How can I help DD make friends?



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amother


 

Post Thu, Sep 04 2014, 7:29 am
She's nearly 9 and complains she has no friends in school. (Southern Hemisphere so school hasn't just started). I think I see it too, she doesn't really want to call anyone over to play and only sometimes gets invited out.

She's not athletic so is probably sidelined during recess (she tells me this but remembering my own school days, I don't doubt it).

She wants to be friends with the popular girls (of course) but I don't see it happening. They're too overbearing for her. There are quieter girls she says she likes, but I'm stuck on how to advise her to make a connection with them. I've suggested she call these girls over to play outside school time but I'm wondering if I can suggest how to approach them during school as well?

I get the impression her class has cliques and she wants to be part of one but aside from creating one herself, I'm at a loss. Any suggestions?

Thanks in advance. I feel so bad for her!
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Rutabaga




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 04 2014, 8:12 am
Are there organized sports at recess? Can you buy DD something to play with that other girls will want to join in as well? Chinese jump rope, jacks or kugelach, or a blue ball for bouncing/catching games were all popular back in my day.

Try to work on getting DD to have play dates. It's easier to make friends one on one without the whole group watching. If she'd rather, invite 2 friends rather than 1. If she doesn't want to play at your house for some reason, maybe start inviting friends to go on outings with you.
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invisiblecircus




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 04 2014, 8:33 am
I'd also say to start by arranging play dates with some of the quieter girls that she likes. Arrange it yourself with the moms of those girls rather than having her call. As rutabaga said, it's easier to make friends one on one, then they are more likely to want to play together at school too.

I wouldn't invite more than one girl at a time in the beginning though to avoid the risk of your DD being left out.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 04 2014, 8:38 am
It might be helpful to request a meeting with the teacher, ask what she is seeing, and who would be a good person to invite over. You might also want to look into social skills classes as both a place for your dd to build friendships, and a means of education.
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 04 2014, 8:38 am
do lots of playdates.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 04 2014, 11:40 am
Are there any extra-curricular activities, clubs, etc.. that other girls go to? Girls often make friends in settings outside of school. If there are girls in her class that take art lessons, send her to art. If gymnastics is the in thing, consider it.

Build your DD up by pointing out her strengths, and helping her feel confident in her abilities. Role play opening conversations that she can have with other girls that can lead to friendships.
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debsey




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 04 2014, 12:11 pm
Hire a teacher and organize a crafts club yourself. Pick something your daughter has a reasonable chance of liking. Find a teacher. Invite the girls in her class you think are reasonable friendship targets for her. If she's a bit shy, making friends over an activity is the best way to go.

If the class is mad for a particular sport (basketball, soccer, machanayim, double dutch) hire a teacher privately for your daughter. It's not so hard to learn to play a sport, particularly if you get a professional teacher to teach it. Hint - if there's a college in your vicinity, call the PE department and ask if a grad student wants to make a bit of extra money teaching your daughter. Since it is not necessarily someone from your community whom you've vetted, you'll have to be hands-on about supervising.

Good luck.
debsey
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amother


 

Post Thu, Sep 04 2014, 2:23 pm
OP here

Thank you for the suggestions. I agree that play dates are a good idea. She seems to like being on her own though and often doesn't want to call anyone although whether that's because she feels there's no one to call or because she likes her space, I don't know. Going on outings together is also a good idea.

From my observations though, she seems to act pretty childishly when she does have someone over. Could she be embarassed? (Not of anything in particular just in general, maybe in a showing off kind of way). It bothers me...in fact I'm guessing the girls pick up on it as well. She's pretty mature for her age so this seems strange to me.

Regarding extracurricular activities, it's a great idea, if there was something actually on. Organising it myself might be an option.

Oh, and the school has a rule that you can't bring things from home to play with!
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