Feel like I'm giving my child an eating disorder

Log in / Sign Up

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following My Posts Bookmarks

Private Messages Advanced Search Rules New User Guide FAQ Advertise Contact Us

Forum -> Parenting our children

1 2 Next

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother

Sat, Sep 06 2014, 11:58 pm

My children are healthy and slim. We eat extremely healthy food at home and our kids are active (we're working on improving our own activity level as adults). Both my husband and I come from families where everyone is overweight or extremely obese, and both my husband and I are pretty overweight. We've struggled with this our whole lives. Both my husband and I really like very healthy food (actually, I run a 'healthy food' blog) and we've passed along a love of really healthy foods to our kids. Junk food is not our problem. Portions and sedentary behaviours are what I would say are our biggest issues.

Anyways, we've been blessed to have worked hard to always give our kids healthy foods and now our kids really love healthy foods. Their favourites are fruits and veggies.

My 5 year old DD seems to really love food. She's a spunky, athletic kid. She's not at all overweight. We've noticed that she has (in the last year) developed a focus on food that has kind of come out of nowhere. If she really likes something that I've served, she has a hard time controlling herself and stopping when she's full. We once went to a sushi restaurant and she ate and ate and ate. And my DH and I kept say "Sweetie, are you sure you're still hungry?" and she kept saying "umm...yeah, I want more". Eventually, after consuming a RIDICULOUS amount of food, she took another bite...and vomited all over the table. We were absolutely horrified to see our daughter eat to the point of vomiting. We felt like it was a total wake up call.

I've noticed there are some foods that she really wants to overdose on. Rice and potatoes are two in particular. She can eat 3-4 cups of cooked rice without any trouble, if allowed.

We're very concerned about her apparent lack of control. We know what it's like to live an entire life overweight and unhealthy and we so badly want to help our children avoid this. And we also work hard to lead by example. It's not like we're stuffing our face and asking our kids to maintain perfect portion control.

I've tried to help our daughter learn moderation in a way that does not shame her at all or give her a complex about food, but I'm afraid I'm failing miserably.

One of the things that I started to do was to serve plates of food with proper portions in the kitchen (for the whole family), rather than serve food family style on the table. We've also started talking about how "I'd love to have some more rice, but I think it would be healthier for me to have some more broccoli first and then see if I'm really still hungry".

My daughter seems to have caught on that things are changing and she seems upset/sensitive about it. When she doesn't finish (even close) her meat/protein or vegetables and yet asks for second helpings of carbs, I tell her that she has to first have some more veggie and protein before we'll give her more carb. She gets very upset.

My grandmother was visiting us and witnessed a scene where my daughter wanted more and more rice. I gently explained that it's not good for our tummies to have too much rice, and that we need to make sure we eat the right amount of healthy foods and not too much of one thing. My grandmother later said "You're going to give her a complex about food!"

I honestly don't know what to do. I don't know how to strike a healthy balance between letting her eat whatever she wants and giving her a horrible eating disorder/complex about food. I'm really sick about this. Harming my daughter is the last thing I ever want to do. And while I really believe that the meals I cook for my family are A+++ healthy, I'm so scared that I'm not equipped to pass along healthy eating habits to her because of my own and our families' histories with food.

tsm

Sun, Sep 07 2014, 12:17 am

Drop the rice! One serving calls for more. I recently stopped cooking carbs for dinner. It's not necessary! After a delicious bowl of soup, then chicken and a vegetable, raw or cooked, the kids are full and not asking for more! And guess what, they do get asleep easier... try it!

amother

Sun, Sep 07 2014, 12:18 am

As a child, I hated hearing "you can't have more." this often led me to take when noone was watching and I developed some terrible closet eating habits. what worked sometimes was being told, "wait ten (twenty or x amount of time) minutes and if you're still hungry..." by then it's likely the child will have forgotten about it.

granolamom

Sun, Sep 07 2014, 12:18 am

ok, so I'm no expert,but I'll tell you what we do here. BH my kids do not struggle with weight, they are very picky eaters and for the most part I try to stay out of the portion control aspect. however. a 5 yo is still a very small child and I have no problem saying 'sweetie, you've had alot of rice. last time you ate so much rice you puked. so thats enough for you tonight'. no mention of weight, no mention of health, just very tangible cause and effect that a 5 yo can understand.
my 4 yo occasionally still wets the bed if she drinks alot before bedtime. I will allow her to make that mistake once or twice and hope that she learns from it, but after two days of washing the bedding I will step in and remind her 'too much water before bed means a wet bed, that's it, no more'. yes, we want to encourage independent decision making and all that, but at the end of the day, we are still the parents and children cannot always be trusted to make good choices.

I prefer family-style because portion control seems like a very unhappy way to relate to your dinner. I also dont like to point out the benefits of my food while I am eating it, again, it sucks the joy right off of your plate. I would not mandate that she finish her veggies before a second helping of rice, some days I like to load up on carbs and other days I am all about the protein. food is not, or imo should not be, a mathematical formula or balance sheet. It should be joyful and nurturing on a physical and emotional level. maybe lighten up a bit? setting up these sort of systems seems like you are asking for a power struggle, which gets very messy when food is involved.

amother

Sun, Sep 07 2014, 12:25 am

granolamom wrote:

OP here.
Thanks for this. I like everything you're saying. I just don't know how to translate this into action. What do you mean by "lighten up a bit"? Do you mean that I can allow her to have too much rice sometimes? To just polish off the rice before touching the other foods and still have seconds?...I feel like this is my own failing, but, like I said, I'm having trouble figuring out the middle ground between no rules and what we have right now, which apparently is not working.

ora_43

Sun, Sep 07 2014, 2:53 am

I think there's nothing wrong with saying "No more [whatever] until you've had some [other food]." Most kids aren't allowed to eat whatever they want, whenever they want, and yet manage to escape without food "issues."

I disagree with granolamom on that part. I agree that people who are aware of proper nutrition can sometimes eat all carbs one day, all protein the next (in theory - it sounds unpleasant to me, to be honest). But I think kids have to go through the "balanced meal" stage first, and only then move on to the stage where they can decide whether to eat all pasta, whether to eat dessert first, etc. I can think of several kids who would eat carbs all day, every day, if they were allowed to choose for themselves right now. Because they don't have a feel for healthy eating yet. Also, many kids need multiple exposures to new foods before they'll start enjoying them.

5 is old enough to understand the basic idea behind it. Eg, "Our bodies need lots of different foods. If our tummies are full of rice, we won't be able to eat the chicken and vegetables, and our bodies need those, too."

I agree with amother on the "wait 20 minutes" thing. I think that learning to wait is another part of learning healthy eating skills. It often takes 15-20 minutes for the feeling of being full to set in, and IME people who don't learn that as kids often end up being adults who have trouble not overeating. OTOH - kids often have growth spurts where they really do need to eat huge amounts of food. So if they still want food in 20 minutes - and if they're hungry enough that they're willing to eat healthy food (not just "I want cookies/bread" hungry) - I would definitely let them have more.

seeker

Sun, Sep 07 2014, 3:38 am

I like what ora said. Also, it seems that rice and potatoes are big triggers for her, maybe remove them from your menu for a while to see if things improve. This sounds like a pretty serious issue which to me would be worth avoiding. You will likely find you have enough to deal with teaching her good habits with other foods, even without super triggers around.

amother

Sun, Sep 07 2014, 4:49 am

It might be a sensory issue. Does she have any other sensory things? Does she like to touch things? Or rub certain fabrics? Does she seek out other interesting sensations? Being wild? Or tumbling?
I say this because my daughter also overeats and loves food. But it's part of a bigger picture where she is constantly seeking sensory stimulation because she doesn't know how to self regulate. We have started OT and I see a world of a difference.
You might have issues with food so that might be what you noticing. But pay attention to her sensory input from all her senses.

I might be totally off base but just something to think about.

Anon to respect my daughters privacy.

Jewishmom8

Sun, Sep 07 2014, 4:56 am

just be really careful.
my mom ran a diet group and always watched what she ate and what we ate.
it was too much and completely backfired.
I have a very strange relationship with food as do 3 of my siblings. I totally hid food from her as a child and whenever I was away from her It was fun for me that I would be able to eat what I wanted and as much as I wanted.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Sep 07 2014, 5:11 am

Lots of really excellent advice in this thread.

Remember that your body turns carbs into sugar in just a few easy steps, and that it's the most satisfying.

My daughter is a "Starch Beast" and would live on rice, bread, and potatoes all her life if I let her. She also has sensory issues, but I don't know if they're related, or if she just likes bland white food. If you give her pizza, she only eats the crust, and will beg for your crust, too.

Anyway, what I do is make a plate with all her portions, BUT I leave the starch in the kitchen. If she cleans her plate, then I will ask if she wants more veggies, protein, "or maybe some rice?" If she still has room then she won't over eat the starch. If she can see it before then, all bets are off.

I have her help with making grocery lists and going shopping with me. She knows the drill - let's make some healthy choices! What looks good in the produce aisle? Feeling like she has control in that department really seems to help.

BTW, she's 11 now, and still a Starch Beast. She has never outgrown it, no matter what I do. B'H she doesn't have food issues and is a healthy weight, she just knows what types of food she likes best so I still have to control it.

Raisin

Sun, Sep 07 2014, 7:45 am

Why not just cook (or put on serving platter, and put any extra in the fridge) a very small amount of rice - just enough for each person to have a small portion. That way, you can say, Sorry Chani, no more rice. Or, Don't take more rice - thats abba's portion.

I have the opposite issue. My kids love bread and some like pasta, but don't really go for rice, potatoes, etc.

OOTforlife

Sun, Sep 07 2014, 8:49 am

OP, do your meals include enough fat? This may not apply to you, but a lot of people think eating healthy means eating low fat or fat free everything. That can lead to carb-binging.

amother

Sun, Sep 07 2014, 8:56 am

OOTforlife wrote:

OP, do your meals include enough fat? This may not apply to you, but a lot of people think eating healthy means eating low fat or fat free everything. That can lead to carb-binging.

I definitely think do. Meat, olive oil, avocado, etc. even olive oil or butter/margarine on veggies, too.

33055

Sun, Sep 07 2014, 9:01 am

Why did you keep ordering sushi? It makes no sense to give that much food to a child.

When you cook rice and pasta, just cook enough so that there isn't anymore ready during mealtimes.

octopus

Sun, Sep 07 2014, 9:09 am

what kind of rice is it? If it's white rice I would be switching to brown rice or one of those mixed rices that are brown and black (I forgot what its called- someone help me out?). The whole grain rices are a lot more filling and have a lot of nutritional value. plus I would make a rule about seconds. If you are super strict I would say no seconds on the rice - this goes for everyone. If you are more flexible I would say ok to small seconds but that's it. no more. and make it a rule for everyone in the house.

OOTforlife

Sun, Sep 07 2014, 9:16 am

amother wrote:

I definitely think do. Meat, olive oil, avocado, etc. even olive oil or butter/margarine on veggies, too.

I would try upping the fat content. Also, rather than serving separate carbs, consider serving family style entree where the carb is already mixed up with the protein, so you can control the ratio. Serve the stirfry over the rice, the potato chunks in a thick stew with meat. Also, maybe think about foods that naturally pace eating, like corn on the cob, or sunflower seeds in the shell (OK that is more of snack but still). Maybe you could find other ways to pace dinner, like pausing the eating to play a game or tell a story or share around the table for 10-15 mins before continuing eating (though that might feel kind of contrived, dunno).

I think the ideal is to manipulate her to eat better without directly limiting or otherwise letting on that you're constantly watching and mentally calculating what she eats.

granolamom

Sun, Sep 07 2014, 9:27 am

ora_43 wrote:

I think its in the way you phrase it, and of course it depends on your kid. no more rice until you've had some meat is one thing, getting into the whole lecture about how our bodies need lots of foods etc etc is probably too much lecturing at the table. you can talk about that stuff while the kid is helping you shop/cook/menu plan. I did say that I will tell my kid when he's had enough, I dont think that young children should have the opportunity to gorge more than once - if at all (I'd perhaps allow for once just to see if they are able to learn from the experience on their own)

I do think that the parents need to pay attention to the food choices but I think that instead of focusing on three squares daily, there is room to look at the weekly consumption. so maybe on monday the kid loaded up on carbs, watch and see what happens on tuesday. if there's no balance by the end of the week, stop offering the rice. I see my kids do this all the time, they might eat scrambled eggs all day sunday and then pick at their protein on tuesday. they dont have to be aware of it at that age, but I must be. its hard to know when you are setting an example and finding teachable moments and when you are controlling and lecturing. fine line and its different in every household I'm sure.

Pooh

Sun, Sep 07 2014, 9:27 am

Read the book how to get ur kid to eat... But not too much by ellyn satter. She will really help I have the right outlook on food and feeding!! It is a lifesaver (I used it to get my kids to eat but she has awesome advice on getting kids not to overeat also) u can also contact her. Google her contact info she had a whole institution. I suffered from an Ewing disorder when I was a teenager But my complex started at 5 years old when my parents began to make comments abt food to me so really watch out

booboo24

Sun, Sep 07 2014, 9:31 am

Try serving a vegetable soup first that has rice or potatoes in it, then when you serve your main meal leave out the carbs. If she asks for rice you can say it was in your soup...you can have more soup the
Amount of rice she will eat in the soup is probably not as much as if you would serve her a reg portion if rice

granolamom

Sun, Sep 07 2014, 9:42 am

amother wrote:

I think what you have here is parenting issue based on your own food related fears.
what are you afraid of? child getting fat? becoming ill? malnourished? anorexic? developing food anxieties of her own?
what is your goal when you offer your child food?
what kind of food associations do you want your child to develop?

I think, that more than the 'what is she eating' you might want to focus on your own anxieties. sounds like you are setting a very good example and that you take care to offer well balanced, clean food choices. that is awesome and will set her up for good habits later on. however, if youre all stressed out about what she's eating and when, that will seep into her plate.

when I say to 'lighten up' I mean, relax a bit. I do not mean allow her to over stuff on rice to the point of vomiting. I mean you can say to her 'no' without the fear of creating an anorexic later on. I mean that instead of worrying so much about her relationship with food, use mealtime to create pleasant emotional associations with food. cook the foods she likes (within reason obviously,no need to serve hot dogs and fries every night because she may like it), and enjoy foodtime.

this is NOT your failing, this is your struggle. we all have one (or more). sometimes we get a child who challenges us in our area of weakness and fear, maybe as a way to spur us towards further growth and healing.I really think that in this case, this is about you, not about her.

as you can see from all the responses, some people do this and some do that. so there is no 'right way'. I think what works is not so much what people are doing but where it is coming from. and then there's G-ds plan which I will never understand and some kids go on to develop food issues while their siblings dont. so praying a bit wont hurt either.

Page 1 of 2

1 2 Next