Boy and girl in one room?

Scrabble123

Mon, Sep 08 2014, 9:54 am

amother wrote:

Just curious, what are you all so worried about?

A girl doesn't need to share her room with a brother. I'm not sure why you don't even feel that sensitivity, nor does a boy need to share his room with his sister.

Obviously people once lived in one bedroom (or should I say room) homes, but today things are different. We BH don't live like that, and we don't need to.

Yes, there are stories of brothers s-xually assaulting their sisters, but my concern is more with the fact that a 14 year old boy is much to old to being his space with a younger sister. If a divorced woman moved back to her parents home, it would not make any sense to have her sleep in a room with her sister (even if they shared a room previously). Likewise, this age boy and girl have no business sharing their rooms with one another. (What if has friends over, what will be the situation when she has her period, etc. etc. I'm not one big on sheltering, but a girl and a boy deserve their own personal space).

Ruchel

Mon, Sep 08 2014, 10:22 am

Don't we all want space?
Well, sometimes it's a decent area vs another room.
Can parents sleep, have relations... in the living room? is that better than siblings sharing a room? every family should decide.

HonesttoGod

Mon, Sep 08 2014, 10:48 am

If I had the space and options I wouldn't do it not because I am scared or distrust my kids (seriously the world would be a better place if we educate and trust sometimes) just because I think a 12 yo girl is going through changes that need space.
I slept with 4 sisters in one room growing up, puberty was extremely hard when my sisters would ask me what I am wearing, can they see my bras, my pads etc. Sometimes I just wanted 5 minutes to myself to put on my new bra myself try on a new top to see if my bra showed through without my sisters yapping in my head asking me a million questions (they were younger than me).
I can't imagine a 12yo girl would be thrilled about having her brother in her room.

BUT I do know several families who do not have space to split their kids and have all the kids in one room (10 year olds, 14 year olds and 3 year olds). Not everyone is so lucky to have large apartments/houses with many rooms.

Ruchel

Mon, Sep 08 2014, 11:39 am

amother wrote:

I'd be concerned. You'd be surprised what happens in the frummest families. Don't look for trouble.

In this case, never leave your husband, or your mother (yes there are such stories) even with your children. In fact you need to install cams to remind yourself also to not mess up- sometimes it's the mom. This is NOT called looking for trouble.

amother

Mon, Sep 08 2014, 12:12 pm

I have my 14 year old ds and 7 year old dd sleeping in the same room. We have 3 tiny bedrooms, I have 4 girls in the other bedroom, there is just no other option. She's usually sleeping long before him, if they ever go to sleep at the same time, she goes to sleep in my bed and I move her later. He's long gone when she wakes up in the morning. We also have an open door policy, you can lock the door only long enough to get changed, so I am really not worried.

amother

Mon, Sep 08 2014, 6:26 pm

causemommysaid wrote:

gosh people here make it sound like incest is more common than not....

fwiw I would avoid them sharing a room but nothing to do with inappropriate touching...

It's just also to do with the fact that at this age they have reached an age where there is a need for privacy. The op's daughter is only 11 but she will soon PG be 12, 13 and she needs her own space. She doesn't need her brother around in her bedroom all the time. One's bedroom is private. Also, it's not nice to have to go to the bathroom to undress all the time. There are times they need to relax in their room, not naked but in pjs or whatever. To have to so conscious all the time of being properly clothed is not great. EVERYONE needs privacy in their bedroom. What about keeping her underwear, bras, girly stuff? Maybe she has a diary or private stuff she doesn't want her brother seeing. She wouldn't be happy sharing a room with her brother trust me. For a boy it would be pretty bad too, but for a girl worse IMO. Just because they are children, doesn't mean they don't need privacy like an adult.

And yes it is also inappropriate because they are both interested in the opposite gender and it might stir up inappropriate thoughts (I'm NOT saying actions).

amother

Mon, Sep 08 2014, 7:12 pm

Scrabble123 wrote:

I think it is not ideal and kind of weird but people seemed to be alarmed and I was just hoping people don't assume it would lead to incest.

Frumdoc

Mon, Sep 08 2014, 8:37 pm

I'm uncomfortable with it, newly changing bodies and hormones have a right or responsibility for some privacy to experience those changes, or at least with the same gender.

What do they sleep in? What if it is hot and someone shrugs their t shirt off at night, or a nightgown rides up? How will your dd feel about her changing body and awareness of boys, trying on bras, messy periods, shaving, emotional explosions and new feelings of tznius. What do you do when your ds has morning erections or wet dreams?

I don't think sharing is a bad thing, but teenage siblings sharing with their opposite gender breaches some kind of privacy boundary for me that same gender sharing doesn't.

Older girls and much younger brothers, ok, but the same age seems like it is sending the wrong messages when we are so strict about other areas of gender segregation and tznius.

amother

Mon, Sep 15 2014, 4:18 pm

My very frum friend has her 17yo DD share with her 14yo DS. Those two have always shared. She also has a much younger DD and DS but decided to separate the oldest from youngest rather than boys from girls because of their more similar schedules. They actually also have a guest bedroom that is not used except for guests.

They have the type of house where bedrooms are only for sleeping or occasional homework (they also use the dining table for homework.)

It's actually quite common around here for boys and girls of all ages to share. I guess it's cultural.