need to vent- bikur cholim...

ruby slippers

Tue, Sep 16 2014, 9:34 am

Was not sure what forum this should go under..Is there I need to vent forum.....
My teenage son had surgery last week on his leg. It was a scheduled outpatient surgery. The school knew/ his rabbeim and teachers knew and his classmates knew. Baruch Hashem surgery went well, but he has been out of school since last week because he can't walk yet and there is some discomfort. The principal has called a few times to check on him/ speak with him. The assistant principal came over and his main rebbi called a few times to check on him. His chavrusah came over on Shabbos, but I think that happened because we asked him to and one friend called to check on him. That's it- it is a very small school so everyone knows he is out and the one person that did call was not even a classmate. I can't tell you how heart broken I have been for him. I don't begrudge the secular teachers too much because I am not sure it is in their nature- but would have been nice since he has been out for a week so far. We spoke to the principal and asked him to suggest to his classmates to stop by or give a call (we are only a block or 2 away from the school.) ONE person called after that. It is not like he is ill and can't speak- even then a choleh appreciates knowing someone is thinking of him. Is this a girl thing that they would be here in a heartbeat and would get calls everyday to see how their friend is doing. it is soooo frustratuing to me that they sit and learn gemarah all day and don't even put what they learn into action. Since it is Elul they are also having shiurim about the importance of caring for one another. Perfect opportunity to put what they are discussing into action. I am even more infuriated that some of his other rabbeim did not take the 2 minutes to pick up the phone to call. I tried to be don lkav zechus- but its hard when they are in school teaching and can't take a minute- or even take a minute from class and say hey- let's call so and so and check on him and model the correct behavior on making a phone call. The big black hats and the jackets during davening and only wearing black and white is all nothing compared to how we treat one another. I did call the school the other day and asked if they could send over a minyan for mincha maariv and they decided to have part of shiur here- I can't even express the joy in my son's eyes to have visitors and learning in the house. Am I missing something?? I just can't believe this!!! I think in reaction to this I will speak top the principal to start up some kind of bikur cholim club- so that if someone is absent for more than a day or 2 a student calls just to say hello and see how they are doing..

I am just so angry about the whole situation- The whole costume and learning thing is so fake when we don't so what we learn- at least they came over the other day.. I don't think I would be as upset if it did not bother my son as much- but to hear him say- oh well, no one called me today... oy!

I can't bug DH about it anymore- he says it is sad- but he really didn't expect much as he feels they are all big talkers...

Any other ideas out there on bikur cholim for classmates??

Thanks for letting me vent.

momX4

Tue, Sep 16 2014, 10:12 am

I find that sometimes people figure that since your son had surgery and is home he must be out of commission and may not be up to visitors.

When my DS had his adenoids and tonsils removed I kept him home for 10 days. I didnt think it was fair to the rebbe to watch DS like a hawk and make sure he doesnt eat anything hard. His Rebbe stopped by twice to drop off stuff and safe nosh. The Rebbe also called from Yeshiva twice and and put the class on the phone. My DS was in kindergarten.

In the older classes the rebbe will point out if a kid is absent for the second day in a row, and will encourage kids to call.

If your sons yeshiva never did this, then how are the kids supposed to know what to do?

Bake/buy cookies and call the yeshiva and ask them to send over 5 boys at break time today. Talk to the principle about starting a project to make the boys aware of the mitzva of bikur cholim and how to do it properly.

ruby slippers

Tue, Sep 16 2014, 10:16 am

I guess I could call the parents- but is that putting them in an awkward position- for example- just a few moments ago a parent texted me asking how the patient is doing- why wouldn't that parent have said to the son all last week- have you called your friend. All the parents in his class are aware as well because I mentioned it to them at back to school night and the school put a refuah shelama to my son in the school newsletter-so everyone in the school who actually read the newsletter knew, plus his classmates realize he is not there so that in and of itself is a reminder,. It is sad to have to be persistent for something like this.

ruby slippers

Tue, Sep 16 2014, 10:22 am

momX4 wrote:

I like your buying cookies idea. The principals and gemarah rebbi have been really good and gave my son their home numbers so he can ask questions about what he has missed- so they know he can handle phone calls.
Just extra surprised/disappointed by the other rabbeim. Would really like to say something to them about my disappointment- but not sure if that will help any and would probably put them on the defensive and make them feel bad(which they should!), but maybe the next time someone is out they will think of it. And these are not young new rabbeim either, they should know better.

momX4

Tue, Sep 16 2014, 10:23 am

eema1 wrote:

Please reply to the text from the parent that your DS is doing great and is up to having company.

Scrabble123

Sun, Sep 21 2014, 11:16 am

Eema1: I'd like to tell you that everyone is different. I would never think of visiting anyone after they had surgery unless that person specifically asks for it in their current stage. When my best friend had surgery after she fell and broke her leg, I was in the pacu room with her at 2am. I visited her in the hospital, but her co-workers and neighbors most certainly did not come. There is no way she wanted them there!! Two friends were enough to her. She didn't even want her kids there.

Over the years when my mother has been hospitalized (once for arm surgery another time with her gallbladder removed), we didn't visit her. We didn't even call her because that's not what she wanted. She wanted her space.

I think expecting people to call is a little much. They can send over cards, but to actually appear in person without getting the go-ahead from you or your son sounds bizarre to me. Like MommyX4 said, if someone had surgery and is out of school, I would assume that she is not up to visitors, unless I was told otherwise. Furthermore, some children do not feel comfortable around people who have had surgery.

It seems to me from reading this thread and another posted about your sons rebbi that you are a little sensitive in this area. Please understand that some of your requests seem really out of the norm (which is okay), just realize that when you want something out of the norm, you have to verbalize it. I also do not think it is wise to let your son know about these feelings. It seems kind of needy to me, and I wouldn't want him to become upset/down about an issue that is really a non issue. Of course, if he is feeling down, try to explain to him about people wanting to give him his space, being uncomfortable, etc.

When wanting to start a committee, please consider what I have typed above.

Either way, I wish your son a refuah shalaima! I'll be more than happy to make him a refuah shalaima card, if you would like! May klal yisroel always be on the giving side! Shana tova umetuka.