My 2 year old does not listen to me

amother

Thu, Sep 18 2014, 10:27 am

Sorry...Long vent

I'm not sure what to do since this is my only child so I don't really have any experience. We waited for a child for quite a few years & I showered him with lots & lots of love and warmth since he's been born but lately, he's been having quite a bit of chutzpah and doesn't want to listen to anything me or my husband tell him to do. For example, I'll tell him that it's time to get dressed and I'll give him ample warning ahead of time but he usually says no and won't let me get him dressed and he even makes a fuss when I want to change his diaper. He usually puts up a fight and says no when I tell him he needs to get his diaper changed if he's wet or made a dirty. He always tells me what he wants to do & he is extremely stubborn & will repeat himself 50 times until he wears me down eventually. This tactic doesn't work all the time. B'h, he is not violent so that's good but he'll just completely ignore or disregard what I'm saying most of the time. He usually screams or cries really loudly if he doesn't get his way...it could be that he wants a treat or uncle moishy video or if he doesn't want to go to bed, etc. Another example is that I was using the hand mixer to beat up eggs & he was watching a video and the hand mixer was pretty loud so he tells me to stop what I'm doing because he couldn't hear the music. He is the cutest thing & I love him so much but it hurts me that I have to raise my voice with him or be very tough since it's the only time he actually will listen to me & pay attention to what I'm telling him. I have tried time out in the corner of the room but he comes out right away and if I put him in his crib, he screams bloody murder and I've heard some people say that you shouldn't make a crib a place for punishments because then he'll associate it with a bad thing. Any advice? Has anyone been in a similar situation & what did you do? I want to nip his behavior in the bud before he gets older & it gets worse. Btw, this is only pretty recent behavior.

Chayalle

Thu, Sep 18 2014, 10:47 am

OP your son sounds totally, totally normal. B"H. And you sound like a great mother.

I went thru alot of what you describe with my now six year old DD. What helped me alot was the advice of a friend who told me, based on Dina Friedman's parenting, that there are basically different types of kids/personalities. We tend to be used to the kids who crave attention - these are kids that given enough love and attention will generally be cooperative. However there are some kids who crave power - these are kids who are independant souls, and need to be able to make their own choices. So even though you are showering him with love and attention, he has a need to be in charge (and looks like he's letting you know it!)

You might get more cooperation from him if you start giving him choices rather than instructions. For example, when it's time to change him you can ask him "Do you want to get changed in this room or that room?" or "do you want to wear these pj's or these pj's." Dress the instruction in a choice, so his little (big) ego does not feel put down by a command.

My DD is 6 and has made lots of strides (and so have I!) She is generally cooperative and yummy, though I'm sure she will always be inclined towards leadership and is an independant, creative thinker. She has a stong-willed but warm personality.

If it helps any, my DD was also long awaited, coming after SIF. My parenting mentor (Mrs. Trenk of Lakewood) told me that she finds it interesting that DD's personality type comes up many times in a child in this situation. She has a whole theory about it, says these kids see themselves as an extension of the adults, and they don't want to be the little person in the house (DD often expresses that she does not like being the youngest) and they want to be on par with the decision-making grownups in their lives.....

abeona

Thu, Sep 18 2014, 11:17 am

I strongly agree with Chayalle. giving choices rather than instructions.

my dd had the same problem and I believe it was created by the fact that we "spoiled" As a toddler. but once you give them a choice it gives them some sort of control of situation and also on the other hand its good brain activity because it makes them think about the decision. u can point out the pros and cons of his choice from his perspective.

finprof

Thu, Sep 18 2014, 11:33 am

You sound like a wonderful mom w/ a typical 2 yr old.

Choices are great: Do you want me to change you now or in 2 minutes? Do you want to stand or lay down to be changed? Do you want dinner before or after your bath?

No and why are their favorite words. DH and I have different approaches: I answer as clearly as I can (repeatedly), he says because I said so. Typical responses include: asking again, saying ok or throwing a tantrum, all are equally likely.

I recommend always having a "new" toy handy (it can be the same one from 15 minutes ago but we have gone thru a couple since then so its new again) especially when you are out or busy w/ something.

Is he in a playgroup? I highly recommend it for his socialization and your sanity!

Good luck, your doing great!

amother

Thu, Sep 18 2014, 12:28 pm

Yes, he is in a playgroup. He just switched to a playgroup which is in the basement of a school and he is having such a hard time adjusting. He likes the Morah and has become very attached to her but she has 15 other kids so she can't give him that much individualized attention all the time. The assistant was already fired a week after playgroup started because it wasn't working out with her and they have a substitute assistant whom he doesn't go to at all. He follows the Morah around most of the day & the only time he's not crying or unhappy is when they go outside for playtime and at the end of the day when they wait outside for the mommies to come for pickup. I also don't like that there are no windows in his classroom and they covered up the window on his classroom door completely so they are basically in a closed up room all day besides when they go outside for playtime. He has more of a nervous nature & he is very aware of what's going on around him & he gets anxious even if the morah leaves the room for a few minutes to get something. I feel so bad and I know it's normal for him to take some time to get adjusted to this new environment especially because he's being going to the same babysitter since he has been 11 weeks old & he loved her like a 2nd mother & she gave him so much love & warmth. I don't know what to do about this. Any words of encouragement?

Chayalle

Thu, Sep 18 2014, 12:29 pm

My DD sometimes got timeout (2 minutes at age 2, 3 minutes at age 3, etc..) but I did that VERY sparingly because, for her, timeouts were a blow to her ego and she was much more sensitive to it than my other children were.

This may sound funny, but I did alot of role playing with DD...we had two "mentchies" from her lego set that we named and acted out scenarios with. So mentchy #1 we named Perry and she was the goody goody who always did things right...played nicely, shared, listened to Mommy, etc....and mentch #2 we named Raizy and she was DD personified (though we didn't acknowledge that outright) who struggled with listening, threw tantrums, wouldn't share, etc....

Sometimes when DD wasn't listening, I'd take out the mentchies and play out the scene. Perry listened to Mommy and got into her pj's.....Raizy threw a tantrum and wouldn't listen.

Then we took Raizy and put her in timeout. It's funny how DD used to gleefully put the Raizy mentchie into timeout (and she chose the most creative timeout spots for her mentchie), and then cheerfully get into her pj's....or whatever else was on the program at the moment.

Very often, when I'd see her about to refuse cooperation, I'd start mentioning about Raizy going to timeout and DD would cooperate!

My older DD's used to crack up whenever this happened. Smile

She outgrew the role playing after a while...it really was great at that age.

Dolly Welsh

Thu, Sep 18 2014, 1:02 pm

amother wrote:

Op here...I just want to point out that I give him tons of positive reinforcement. I always praise him when he is doing something good or listening nicely but lately, it doesn't seem to be working.

It is so hard to remember to raise a kid in a matter of fact way. Positive, sure, but you can't go expressing your flood of love. The world he has to live in isn't like that. He needs to learn the world as it is. Your feelings are your own personal thing. I remember facing this issue myself.

You are overdoing it and he is setting boundaries because being a smart fine kid, he knows how it should be and is.

They say kids don't come with instructions, but a little bit, they do. This one is telling you something. Read the instructions.

WHen he does something right, his only praise is that he is a fine fellow and on board with his little society, his family. All is nice. Do not pay him off for just doing his duty; he is perceiving that, correctly, as bribery. His pure honest heart rejects bribery.

You will be an even better mommy - and you are already a good one - when you are more firm and less bribey.

Bribing implies the person might NOT do the right thing without the bribe. This is every so subtly insulting and corrupting.

Love him up when he scrapes his knee, but not every minute. Pleasant, affectionate, and considerate manners, is what he gets on more ordinary occasions. Or, affectionate treatment, but that still has some lightness, some distance, a little this-is-no-big-deal ness about it. It can't always be a hot love scene.

It's not his problem or his business either that you waited a long time for a baby.

amother

Thu, Sep 18 2014, 1:13 pm

My love for him is so great and by nature, me and dh are such warm affectionate people so it's hard to hold back on the love, hugs and kisses.

Can some of you give me more ideas of choices so he feels more in control of the situation? For ex: Yesterday, I picked him up from playgroup and when we got home, I took him out of his carseat and put him down and I wanted to go in the house with him. Well, he decided that he wants to sit in the driver's seat (he loves sitting in the front driver or passenger seat - only when the car is parked & not in drive) but I told him no nicely & firmly and said that we're going inside. I even offered him a treat when we get inside but he didn't care for anything. He was holding on to the car handle and screaming and crying because he wanted to sit in the driver's seat. I started thinking about why it's not such a big deal if he does it for a few minutes if it makes him happy so I left him sit there and he wanted me to close the door which I did and he was so happy. I stood outside the car talking with a friend who happened to be outside right then. He finally was willing to come out about 5-7 minutes later. What could I have done in that situation to get him to come inside without him making a scene & throwing a tantrum? He has done this a few times already when we get home from playgroup.

Chayalle

Thu, Sep 18 2014, 1:19 pm

Dolly, I strongly disagree with the beginning of your post. There's no such thing as too much love. Bribery, yes I agree that should be cut down. But love, hugs, and kisses are entirely appropriate to a 2-year-old.

OP, giving him a few minutes in the driver's seat if you are ok with that is fine. Bribing him to do what you want is not. (My DD would have a field day with that. She's an excellent businesswoman, and would rake it in at every opportunity, and this would not set a good precedent with her.)

So you might say something like "Would you like to sit in the front seat while I count to 10 and then go inside, or should we go in right away?" or something like that.

amother

Thu, Sep 18 2014, 2:58 pm

I was just at a chinuch shiur today (rebbetzen salinger, highly recommended)and we were talking about the importance of listening to parents. Children NEED discipline in order to grow up to be healthy, self-disciplined and self-controlled people. We need to give that discipline is a caring, firm and consistent way.

I'm sure you do discipline your son, but from the example you give, it doesn't seem you are very consistent. He cries to sit in the front seat, you say no. He cries some more, you still say no. He screams until you give in.

Who is the parent here? Who is in control?

You ask how to give him more choices so he is in control. But YOU are the parent! Yes, you love him and it's nice to let him have a choice. But YOU ARE HIS MOTHER. He needs to learn when you say something, you will follow through. He needs to learn consistency. Otherwise this will only get worse as he gets older, and you will have bigger problems than sitting in the front seat to deal with. It's important for a child to look up to his parents and realize they are a greater authority than him.

It's funny that I was literally in this class today, so it's all fresh in my mind. She spoke about how children need to be told 'because mummy said' when they ask certain questions.

'Why are we having chicken for supper?'
'Why are we having a bath now before supper?'
'Why is aunty miriam not coming for shabbos?' etc etc.

Yes, if you want, you can sit down and explain to them that the chicken are leftovers and need eating before they go off, or you need to have a bath now because supper isn't done yet, or aunty miriam's husband is sick and they can't travel. That's ok. But it's also ok (and recommended every so often) to say, 'because mummy said'. That's it. No questions asked. You are the parent. You are not raising your child so that they can make the decisions.

I know you love your child. We all do. But if you want him to respect you and grow up to be a well adjusted adult with self-discipline, you need to start now. Please- before it's too late.

Feel free to ask more. I'll just repeat my notes Very Happy

Dolly Welsh

Thu, Sep 18 2014, 3:52 pm

Even more so because this one is male.

It's a guy.

They don't do gush as much although they all love their mothers and want them very badly when they skin their knees or their lives.

But it IS A GUY.

You are raising a man, here. One of Them. No, you will never fully understand him. That's ok. Eventually he will turn into one of Them, and you must communicate, eventually, and even now, that that is fine. Fine with you. That's his assignment and he has to play it.

What is being said upthread is all very true, and applies to both genders, but it is worth mentioning that this one is from the less kitchy-koo gender.

CatLady

Thu, Sep 18 2014, 4:37 pm

Children feel safer when adults are in control. It's a big, scary world especially for pre-schoolers, and they will feel more confident when their parents take over decision-making and their decision-making powers are limited to choosing between the blue jammies or the red ones.

Assert yourself as an authority, and don't be afraid to use a no-nonse4nse tone when necessary to let him know that this is a non-negotiable.

And I'll leave the last word to my mother (Z'L) who told me that the best parenting advice she ever received was to save the "No"s for when really needed. Pick your battles. And if all else fails, there's the time-out chair and an oven timer set for how many minutes he has to be in the time-out chair.

It's not easy to be a disciplinarian, especially when your inclination is to be the Good Cop. But all cops are sworn to serve and protect, and you are doing your DS a disservice by letting him run rampant.