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Simchat bat
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amother


 

Post Sun, Sep 21 2014, 10:26 am
Did you make one for your daughter? If so, how old was your daughter at the time?

I didn't grow up Jewish and when I became frum, I noticed this ceremony in the siddur an just assumed it was something that was done.

I ended up marrying late, going through infertility then eventually having a daughter. I assumed we would be having a simchat bat but my husband said no one does it in his community and he didn't want to look strange. I had a friend in my old community who had a daughter and she also had a daughter and didn't make a simchat bat, but when they had a son they made a very low-key brit, at home with just parents and siblings and the mohel, so I just figured it was their style.

Now we are expecting a boy and it is assumed by DH and his parents that there will be a huge expensive bris costing thousands. I do not like this idea since we did nothing for our dd. DH said it would be stupid to do some sort of celebration for her now but I think it is never too late.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 21 2014, 10:30 am
Simcha bat...
Some name at shul, as soon as possible, or on first shabbes, on shabbes after one month... once upon a time in some kehilot, much later (one year) because of lo alenu, high mortality.
Some today name quickly at shul then do a party on one year. You can do that.

We did at day 18 and day 15, if I'm not mistaken. Naming and some nosh at shul. Decorated house. Baby all dressed up.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Sep 21 2014, 10:51 am
OP here.

We named in shul of course but the baby was born on erev Shabbat which was also erev chag, so my husband named the baby the next day in shul and I didn't see him til 3 days later when the chag was over.

We also made a Kiddush (people make a Kiddush for birth of girl or boy, engagement, wedding, bar/ bat mitzvah etc at our shul. It's not a sit down Kiddush, it's just family members handing out sugared almonds or other candy.) This Kiddush, at the request of Dh and his family was a week after DD's birth and I couldn't go and take the baby because I was still recovering from the birth, plus there is no eruv here anyway.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 21 2014, 11:06 am
We did all the same day. I just had to be there (no eruv either, and I wanted some time to rest as dh's minhag gives one month to name).
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celesteno




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 21 2014, 12:52 pm
We had a Simchat Bat for our daughter. She was born on Shabbat. My husband named her in Shul while I was still in the hospital and we had a sit down kiddush at Shul the next Shabbat and a celebration at home a couple of weeks later. However, I've never heard of anyone having one more than a month or two out
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 21 2014, 2:09 pm
This is your issue, not your DD's.

A newborn or toddler girl doesn't usually feel deprived.

A preschooler will generally be fine with:
"Do you have pictures from my bris?"
"No, only boys have them. But you can have a very special birthday party this year..."

An older child who has never seen anyone in the community make a simchat bat will not be lukely to feel the slight.

I suggest you share your feelings with a mentor, and process them before resentment colors your joy (and distress; it's hard to be the mom when your baby is cut!) at the bris.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Sep 21 2014, 2:45 pm
ITA with op. It's a little upsetting that we celebrate a bris with a gala party, as well as shalom zachor and kiddush and maybe pidyon haben and for a girl just a simple kiddush.
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Rutabaga




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 21 2014, 3:00 pm
What's done is done. At least your daughter had a kiddush, even if you didn't get to participate.

If you feel strongly about treating your children equally, then make a stand when your daughter is old enough to appreciate it. Make sure chores are shared equally in your home, with differences made by age rather than by gender. Make her a nice bat mitzvah so she doesn't feel shortchanged when your son becomes a bar mitzvah.
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Mrs Bissli




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 21 2014, 3:32 pm
We did simchat bat, if I recall DD was about 2weeks old or so. Whilst it's really primarily for naming a daughter, another advantage is that for the mother to say hagomel at the synagogue with a miniyan. It is a common custom in our community, with actual ceremony fully included in our siddur. It is quite pretty with a couple of tehilim. We did it on Sunday mornings followed by breakfast.
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miami85




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 21 2014, 3:53 pm
Not sure if this answers your question. In my experience, based on my social circles (which tend to be more yeshivish in nature) there's either a "kiddush" on shabbos or a "kibbud" during the week. There doesn't seem to be much in the formality of when you do it, often it's when mother feels up to it and/or when family can be present. The only "simchat bat" I've been "invited to" was for a more modern cousin's family. I was planning to go, but none of my siblings were going somehow indicating that it was different in nature. Not sure why, but in the end I ended up getting engaged that day, so I wasn't really in a position to go.
I have heard that there is an inyan of making a kiddush/kibbud for one's daughter--supposedly it's a segula for shidduchim--so much so, that I've heard of kiddushim made for 20-something's that were not yet married that never had a kiddush.
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miami85




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 21 2014, 3:55 pm
amother wrote:
ITA with op. It's a little upsetting that we celebrate a bris with a gala party, as well as shalom zachor and kiddush and maybe pidyon haben and for a girl just a simple kiddush.


One can say the same thing for a bar mitzvah vs. bas mitzvah, however that doens't mean that any of these simchos have to be "gala" affairs. I've been to some brisim that were a little bit over the top--don't think that's necessary.
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etky




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 21 2014, 5:24 pm
miami85 wrote:
Not sure if this answers your question. In my experience, based on my social circles (which tend to be more yeshivish in nature) there's either a "kiddush" on shabbos or a "kibbud" during the week. There doesn't seem to be much in the formality of when you do it, often it's when mother feels up to it and/or when family can be present. The only "simchat bat" I've been "invited to" was for a more modern cousin's family. I was planning to go, but none of my siblings were going somehow indicating that it was different in nature. Not sure why, but in the end I ended up getting engaged that day, so I wasn't really in a position to go.
I have heard that there is an inyan of making a kiddush/kibbud for one's daughter--supposedly it's a segula for shidduchim--so much so, that I've heard of kiddushim made for 20-something's that were not yet married that never had a kiddush.


I was at a kiddush like that. The girl was maybe all of 20 but her mother had heard about this inyan and didn't want to take any chances. The girl was married well within a year (not sure if the kiddush had anything to do with it or not Rolling Eyes )
We did have simchat bat's for our DD's. For our oldest we did a modest kiddush in shul the Shabbat after the birth when she was named and then at 6 weeks or so we made an evening in our home with desserts.
For our other DD we made a big lunch-kiddush on the Shabbat of her first birthday. I had wanted to do a mid-week party for her too but it was the height of the Intifada and we didn't want to put anyone in the position of feeling obligated to come out to Efrat. So we waited a while and when the situation persisted we decided to do something on Shabbat so as to avoid having to invite (and possibly endanger) people from out of the yishuv.
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imasoftov




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 21 2014, 7:34 pm
It's time for this clip, from the Hebrew TV series Srugim. The woman is arranging with the gabbai of a shul to make a kiddush because a kabbalist told her that she is having trouble getting married because her parents didn't make a kiddush when she was born. They argue about what she should bring (she wants to bring quiche instead of kugel) and he says "you've been waiting thirty years for this kiddush and want to skimp on the kugel? Tch."

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Peanut2




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 21 2014, 8:12 pm
DD1 was born on Sunday and it was a very difficult delivery and we ended up naming her on Monday 8 days later with a kiddush after, even though it wasn't on shabbos so technically not a kiddush, I guess, but YKWIM.

DD2 was born on Sunday as well in a VBAC delivery and DH named her on Thursday but I wasn't there. No kiddush and we haven't done one yet.

Both situations we didn't call them by name until the naming.

We plan on doing something for DD2. I've visited very Torah-oriented communities where people did kiddush for girls months after they were born.
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MaBelleVie




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 21 2014, 8:28 pm
What you did for your first dd is done. If you have another girl and your shul doesn't do large kiddush, you can always have a nice seuda at home with just family members. It doesn't have to be a big crowd to make it as special as a bris.
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Tablepoetry




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 22 2014, 7:39 am
I agree. It's wrong to have something lavish for a boy and almost nothing for a girl. Either both parties should be lavish, or both should be modest.
We did have a nice party for our dds after they were born, usually around age one month (there was a simple kiddush that shabbat, but I didnt attend).
With one dd we didnt have a simchat bat right away because there was a war going on, so instead we invited all the extended family to first bday party.
I understand the op, its something of a statement to go big for the boy, and small for the girl.
If your dd isnt one yet, you can have a big first birthday as a kind of simchat bat.
Otherwise, chalk this up as a lesson learned, and already think about going more equal for the bar/bat mitzva parasha.
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 22 2014, 8:23 am
amother wrote:
ITA with op. It's a little upsetting that we celebrate a bris with a gala party, as well as shalom zachor and kiddush and maybe pidyon haben and for a girl just a simple kiddush.


There's no rule that the kiddish has to be simple. G-d willing, if I ever have a girl, I'm sure her kiddish will be a lot fancier then my boys brissim.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 22 2014, 1:16 pm
I've seen tiny bris and huge naming.
Some bris struggle to have minyan and serve nosh, some namings are cattered.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Sep 23 2014, 5:33 am
imasinger wrote:
This is your issue, not your DD's.

A newborn or toddler girl doesn't usually feel deprived.

A preschooler will generally be fine with:
"Do you have pictures from my bris?"
"No, only boys have them. But you can have a very special birthday party this year..."

An older child who has never seen anyone in the community make a simchat bat will not be lukely to feel the slight.

I suggest you share your feelings with a mentor, and process them before resentment colors your joy (and distress; it's hard to be the mom when your baby is cut!) at the bris.


Oh sure it's my issue, I'm not denying that, but don't my feelings count too?

The issue is actually deeper. Around a year after my daughter was born, another couple had a baby girl and had a huge simchat bat a few months later. The couple had been married a number of years and there is a rumour that they did IVF. My husband and his parents say that because they waited a long time they made this party because the baby is special etc. Well, we also did IVF! 5 times to be exact (DH's parents do not know this.) We are not married quite as long as the other couple but are several years older. But who cares about comparisons? My daughter is special too and I want to be able to publically thank G-d and share our joy with the community.

Also, when MIL came to visit us in the hospital, she said "oh, so there'll be no bris then." and "Don't you think it would have been nice to have twins?" Well, yes it would have been nice but I'm 35 years old and have been praying for a baby forever, I could not be happier with this baby girl, I would not prefer a boy.

So now we are expecting a boy. I thought we could do a nice bris at home with just family around or a simple affair at shul with a few bagels for breakfast for those who don't have to rush off to work. We totally do not need a lavish venue costing thousands just for hire, plus a full on meal and guest list of hundreds. Where's G-d in all that?
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amother


 

Post Tue, Sep 23 2014, 5:54 am
OP again.

Just wanted to say that this "requirement" for a huge bris is the fulfillment of someone's personal issue too. Just not mine and certainly not my son's.
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