I feel bad for my help! Anyone else?

redroses

Tue, Sep 23 2014, 3:32 pm

I am working full time and have 3 kids. 2 are out most of the day and my baby is home. B'h we can afford full time help. I wasn't always working and I know how difficult it is to juggle taking care of the children while cleaning and organizing the house. My lady is amazing and seems to manage it all. I come home to bathed kids and a clean house. Of course within a half hour of her leaving it is a tornado again. I always want to clean up (wash dishes, put away toys etc) because I feel bad that she leaves me a neat house and everyday she comes to a wreck. furthermore my husband gets upset at me for washing up when we pay for help but otherwise I feel like a slob, (and maybe also a little threatened that she does a much better job than me?) Anyone else feel bad? I know it's her job but she's a human being and I feel like I'm being inconsiderate sometimes. Irrational, I know.

syrima

Tue, Sep 23 2014, 3:37 pm

it is easier to deal with someone else's kids and mess because it is not personal. it is a job.
if you feel that she is doing more than she has in the past, tell her you notice. "I don't know what we would do without you, Mrs. X! You make my house look like something from a magazine!" And give her a bonus or raise when you can.
When the kids are 4 or 5 you can get them in the habit of cleaning up their toys to help her out. But for now you are in survival mode - don't feel guilty.

Dev80

Tue, Sep 23 2014, 3:44 pm

Certain things are just so much 'easier' to do mentally when you get paid for it vs when it's a 'chore' you have to do. I think cleaning and childcare go into that category. It's true she's doing both but instead of a mommy who cleans up and then just has the whole place messed up again in 30 minutes, she cleans up b/c that's her job she gets paid to do and she will do it again tomorrow and get paid for that as well.

I always wonder about playgroup leaders -- they choose to spend 5+ hours a day with toddlers?? why?? but it's just different when it's a paid job! (I love my toddlers I just want to rip my hair out after too many tantrums/spilled drinks/indecisive moments/ etc etc)

Definitely praise her and give small tokens of your appreciation and also bH you have some one you like!

Fox

Wed, Sep 24 2014, 4:31 am

What Debsey said. Or give her paid days off on Yomim Tovim.

I once had a fantastic cleaning lady -- a Christian from Iraq. The minute she got enough clients to afford it, she hired her own cleaning lady. Her DH thought she was crazy, but she just laughed and echoed the business about your own mess versus someone else's mess. Of course, she was so smart that the minute her English was up to par, she became a secretary and ultimately the manager of a big insurance agency!

amother

Wed, Sep 24 2014, 7:56 am

Children behave differently for those hired to take care of them then they do for their mothers. They aren't as demanding. My kids can seek my attention constantly to the point where I couldn't get my work done because I would be busy mothering, yet, with nannies and play groups I would get reports of how eidel they were. I hear similar reports from my friends.

My daughter wins behavior awards constantly. She was the best girl in her grade with 4 parallel classes. At home she screeches and can be a brat.

Your help us not their mother and she is not doing your job better. She is doing her job.

Anonymous because I discussed my daughter.

amother

Wed, Sep 24 2014, 9:48 am

Oh my, I totally understand you! I'm the same way. I try to have the house in a semblance of order when I go to bed just for myself anyway. So if I have dishes that aren't going in the dishwasher, I definitely leave them in the sink, not on the table, and I spray down the counters. I pick everything up off the floor and sometimes turn on the roomba. Things like that, so the house isn't sparkling like when she leaves, but not quite a hurricane either. Then the kids undo half of it before she shows up in the morning lol.

amother

Wed, Sep 24 2014, 12:40 pm

*crazed, desperate laughter* HAHALOL at all of you who think your houses are messy because you have dishes in the sink. *laughter fades to bitterness and shame*

I'm depressed and in therapy and one of my big hurdles is my utter ineptitude at keeping house. Like, I have two kids under 5 (which is no biggie to most normal people...), yet I haven't vacuumed my living room in 3 months.

There aren't dust bunnies under my couch... there's a month's worth of food crumbs under the dining room table. I can't sweep my kitchen floor (let alone mop it) because it's covered in broken crayons and bits of flour and crushed cereal... my 5 year old hoards recyclables in his room for fun (he swears it's for an eventual "project" or "invention"), and you can't even see the carpet because of all the clothes and empty soda cans and cardboard boxes... and my bathrooms just smell funky.

I AM SO ASHAMED TO ADMIT I NEED HELP. My rebbetzin, who's known me since I was a child, came to visit one day and of course I gave the "don't look at my house, it's a mess" shpiel that EVERY SINGLE WOMAN ON EARTH gives, but G-d, did I mean it. And she kindly smiled and said, "You're so chilled! Your kids look so happy, and I wouldn't be able to handle not having everything in place." But a few days later she called me and said, "Sweetheart, your house is flying. You need help." And I sobbed.

And yet I don't hire cleaning help because I'm afraid they'll take one step inside, give me an incredulous and disgusted look and then turn around and leave. I feel like I need to pay them $100/hour for dealing with my filth. I can't direct them as to where to put things away because I don't even always know where to put things.

Ruchel

Mon, Sep 29 2014, 4:59 pm

To OP: don’t. if you didn’t hire her she would work for someone NOT feeling bad for her.

Purple amother, if you can’t bring yourself to remove the worst, warn the CL on the phone that “invent an excuse, maybe you were sick or on bedrest or left the kids to your parents while you were away and your old parents let it happen”. Seriously. Mention how it horrifies you, and repeat until you find a CL who is ok.

Look, honestly my apt wasn’t as “difficult” when I first had a cleaning lady, but it was in a horrible state. This is what I did, remove the worst I could, warn her a LOT, tell her I have low expectations just maintain it decent. I’m a big mess maker but my kids are just terrible. I’m the worst balabuste, hate chores. The kids rooms… gosh. It’s an ongoing fight to make them pick up and not throw on the floor, they eat in their room (but so do I…). your kid’s “project” of recyclables lol I can relate. But my CL actually fights with several others to work by me, because I’m not on her back, I don’t criticize, she does her own way, any improvement is good, and apparently this is even more appreciated than a museum house.

amother

Mon, Sep 29 2014, 5:09 pm

amother wrote:

My house would possibly look like yours if I didn't have regular cleaning help. (3 times a week). Get the help. It will take time, but slowly your house will improve. At least the floor will be swept and the counters clean and the dishes washed, even if your kids room is still full of stuff and there are piles of papers on the table. Cleaning help might not make your house neat (although it will help) but at least it will be clean.

Once you have a regular cleaner, they will get to know your house as well. A really good cleaner might even be able to help you orginise your house better and find place for stuff.

amother

Mon, Sep 29 2014, 5:40 pm

My house used to look a wreck, I vacuumed maybe once a month, when I saw dust balls, and even vacuumed the windows and mirrors rather than clean them. The bathroom got cleaned maybe once every two weeks, kitchen floor the same. Always had dishes in the sink and only washed up when they smelled bad or I ran out and needed more.

I had reasons, whatever, but now I have a cleaner the house is always clean, all floors done twice a week, bathrooms the same, kitchen every other day, never have dishes left, I always wash them up the same day and can't even go to bed with a sink full.

The main difference is that now the bulk of the heavy stuff, floors and bathrooms and all dusting and cleaning kitchen surfaces and ovens is done by someone else, ie my cleaner, twice a week, the remaining minor stuff like toilet daily, dishes and laundry seems much less of a mountain to climb so I can get it done without falling apart and feeling I can't cope.

Seriously, I clean up more the house is generally done by someone else than when it was all my job, just because I was so overwhelmed. So just get that cleaner, she will feel prouder when she has made your home great and then she might even feel loyal to you as well. That is why my cleaner loves my house, she feels so important (and she is!)