I desperately need advice. My child has a phobia of dying!!

amother

Tue, Sep 23 2014, 9:35 pm

Simple as that. While she was getting ready for a bath she suddenly became pale and so fearful of dying. She started crying that she is afraid she might die one day. She told me her great grandmother died 3 years ago which means people die.

She is 6 years old. I panicked because I had no idea how to handle it. I lied! I told her you will never die. We don't die. Only that grandma died and it doesn't really happen to all of us.

I have no idea how to handle this. Is this a normal phobia? Does she need help?

I gave her a candy and told her not to worry and she went to bed happy.

She is the type of child who thinks a lot about everything

Any advice would be immensely appreciated

reality mom

Tue, Sep 23 2014, 9:54 pm

I had that with my daughter as well. She sobbed hysterically at certain points stating that she wants to be a child forever and never grow up because if she gets old then she will die. I found that the best way to deal with this was by making her aware that death is not a bad thing! I painted a mental picture for her, where once someone is niftar they are close to Hashem and malachim, and they could spend time with family who were already niftar in a beautiful garden called Gan Eden... You should also be aware that this may be a passing stage, unless your child has anxiety. Good luck!

amother

Tue, Sep 23 2014, 10:01 pm

reality mom wrote:

Thank you so much for replying.

Yes I find she is afraid of growing old because old people die.

May I ask how old your child was? And once you explained it to her was she okay or did the fear ever come back?

amother

Tue, Sep 23 2014, 10:58 pm

My son is 8 he is the most macho guy on the playground ( so to speak) but at night he is terrified of dying as well as soon as he went back to school and they started discussing rosh hashana he is hysterical very night he begs me to say Shema and hamalach hagol again and again cuz he is so scared .he keeps saying ma HaShem is judging us and I'm so scared ( btw I wish I has as much fear I should be quaking to!) I told him b4 ur 13 ur avairos aren't counted and he doesn't have to worry but he really is terrified every night

amother

Tue, Sep 23 2014, 11:17 pm

I always tell my son that HaShem only does things that are good for us and we don't have to worry because he's in charge . And after mosaics comes we will all be together again. I'm not sure it is hard but you sed have to validate her fears don't make it sound like she's crazy . Mayeb there's a special song or something you can sing or read together when she's extra scared. Good luck!

busymom

Tue, Sep 23 2014, 11:41 pm

Peanut2 wrote:

I remember not being able to fall asleep at abput six years old because I was afraid of dying. please don't lie to your child. it's a reasonable and normal fear.

I second the above. Don't lie to her. We should never lie to our children, but this is even more crucial when you have "the type of child who thinks a lot about everything." She needs to be able to trust you or she will become even more agitated that she cannot get real answers.
And one more thing. If you are fearful or unsure about a topic, she'll sense your panic, even if you try to hide it. So if you have death-related fears, work through them so that you can respond in a calm and reassuring manner.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Sep 23 2014, 11:45 pm

OP, I from the way you reacted, it makes me think that you are the one who has fears about dying and uncertainty. You need to get to a place where you can accept that Hashem has a plan for us, and when our time here is done, we will be in a place of rest and beauty.

Until you believe it yourself, you can't give that over to your child, and she will pick up on your emotions. You're making her even more scared than she was before. Please go have a talk with a rav or rebbetzin that you trust, and see if they can help you sort things out.

amother

Wed, Sep 24 2014, 12:08 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

No I absolutely have no fears of dying BH. I am just uncertain of how to handle her. Not sure what would calm her.

debsey

Wed, Sep 24 2014, 12:08 am

amother wrote:

This isn't a phobia. She asked a perfectly developmentally healthy question. It suddenly occurred to her that people die.
You respond calmly with the truth.
Yes, people die. Their neshama goes to Gan Eden. Usually, this happens when they are very old. It's unlikely to happen to you in the near (or even distant) future.
Then ask her - what ABOUT dying scares you?
Being buried? Well, that's only your body. Your neshama will be in Gan Eden. Your neshama is the part of you that is YOU.
But I don't know anyone in Gan Eden! Sure you do - your great grandmother! She would take care of you.

Usually, the fear is about something silly that we wouldn't think of (If I go to Gan Eden, who will tuck me in at night?)

You just keep answering matter of fact-ly.

OP, I get that you panicked, and I'm not blaming you, but you need to know
1) This is not a phobia. It is a normal childhood fear. Your daughter will have them. Your reaction will form a large part of how she handles them.
2) If you lie to her, and she figures out that you do so, you can CREATE all sorts of unwanted psychological reactions, including phobias.
3) (said with the greatest respect, advice I follow myself) Take a parenting class, so that when you're in this type of situation, you are already armed with the answers.
Hug

debsey

Wed, Sep 24 2014, 12:15 am

1) Don't lie to your child, especially about something as non-disputable as the fact that everyone dies.
2) There are books... I read a book about a family that had a pet bird that died. I don't remember the title of the book but it was unbelievably written, and I (then in high school) found a certain amount of comfort in the concept of death the way it was presented.

Googled it - I think it might have been this one:
http://www.amazon.com/About-Dy.....61720

And I agree that your response seems to indicate a feeling of insecurity yourself with the concept of death. If you don't feel comfortable talking about this with her, then please find someone who can - her father, grandparent, teacher, or a therapist. One day, someone she knows is going to die. You can't hide the facts from her forever.

Good luck!

Peanut2

Wed, Sep 24 2014, 12:24 am

People here seem to be so certain about what happens after you die and what Judaism says about that. I am far less certain. And it seems that there are a few different ideas and concepts in Judaism, too. So personally I would say that we don't know for certain what happens after you die. Different people think different things, and then talk about Gan Eden or whatever it is that you think happens. And if you aren't sure, like me, I think it's okay to say "Mommy isn't sure what happens. Maybe X, or maybe Y or maybe something else."

Also, I'd say that it's okay to be scared. I'd focus on how it's a very long time from now and also if your child is frightened just accept it as normal. I mean, it is a normal thing to be afraid of. The MOST normal thing to be afraid of, really. It's inevitable and terrifying.

Nomad

Wed, Sep 24 2014, 12:28 am

When my kids have asked this, I have tried to remain calm because I didn't want them to pick up on my anxiety and worry. That seemed to have helped a lot. I second what others have said with the neshama...BUT my children I think were more comforted by the fact that others will always remember them so they will always essentially "live on". I feel that this is the truth and not even something said just to comfort them. They also liked knowing that this is something that usually happens to very old people - how bodies don't work as well after a long time. If they ask what happens to bodies when they die I tell them they are buried in the cemetery and they turn back into dirt like leaves do after they fall from the tree...I'm not lying to my kids- just explaining things in an age-appropriate fashion...I would recommend googling this topic so you have a bunch of ideas about how to approach it with your daughter. good luck! Its a freaky topic to discuss!

amother

Wed, Sep 24 2014, 6:26 am

debsey wrote:

debsey

What kind of parenting class? How ? Where? I'm in Israel! Unfortunately Dina friedmans course didn't help much ! (Not op)

amother

Wed, Sep 24 2014, 7:58 am

Examine your own feelings and fears about death. These things our children feel don't usually come from nowhere.
I have the same issue with my 6 yr old daughter and I KNOW that I too have had panic attacks about dying over various points in my life. It's unknown, therefore scary.
I find it helps both of us to talk about Moshiach and to focus on doing more mitzvot to bring Moshiach gives something positive and productive to focus on.

chani8

Wed, Sep 24 2014, 8:36 am

I'm open with my kids that we're all going to die, but hopefully not until we're very old.

You have to fix this lie with your daughter now, though. Let her know that you got surprised by her question and alarmed by her fear, but now that both of you are calm, you want to talk about death and dying. Then in as simple a way as possible, share your shitta with her.

amother

Wed, Sep 24 2014, 1:06 pm

When I was young (like 10 years old) I also had a fear of death. I am asthmatic, and I had come down to get a drink one night as my parents were watching the news and there was a story about a boy around my age who had died in his sleep because of an asthma attack.

I was terrified.

For years I insisted that my parents check on me multiple times during the night to make sure I was breathing. Sometimes I'd have so much anxiety that I'd go to my father in the middle of the night, and he'd do breathing exercises with me to lower my heart rate and calm me down.

The breathing exercises were definitely helpful as a temporary Band-Aid. I'd also read before sleep to take my mind off of anything I didn't want to think about.

I wish my parents would have taken me for therapy or something to calm my fears though. I'm not sure when they finally went away, but I'm fine now. Sometimes I feel the need to check on my kids to make sure they're ok at night, but other than that I've grown out of it.