used to be skinny. Gained weight & ppl are awkward around me

amother

Wed, Sep 24 2014, 10:51 am

My subject line says it all. It wasn't super clear to me till something that happened recently.
I had a reunion w/ a few people who I was in seminary with and hadnt seen in about 6 years but whom I speak to often. One of the girls lives in my town. she was in the car and my friend who I hadnt seen in 6 years came up to my apartment, she acted extremely awkward. I know it's because I gained a lot of weight since she saw me last. when she saw me I had one kid, now I have 3 and with the last 2 young ones its been really hard to lose the weight I gained, plus I have a thyroid prob which makes things harder to lose.
You're all prob thinking I'm just being 'overly sensitive' - Well, let me tell you all about a conversation I had yesterday. I spoke to this friend via phone for the first time since we got together that time in person.

I told her straight up, "I know you felt awkward around me because I gained a lot of weight." She started laughing and said "wow I am so happy you brought it up because you're right." Then to make matters worse she said the following.
She said she was in the car with our friend, lets call her "chanie" (the other girl I spoke of earlier, the one who lives in my town) She said 'Chanie warned me before I got upstairs not to act weird in front of you because you gained weight.''

I feel beside myself with depression. I used to be SKINNY stick, I don't even think (or didntt until now) think I was legit FAT. I thought I had some baby weight and more meat on my bones. Now I know I am percieved as fat by people and I feel so beside myself.

amother

Wed, Sep 24 2014, 11:26 am

amother wrote:

I feel beside myself with depression. I used to be SKINNY stick, I don't even think (or didntt until now) think I was legit FAT. I thought I had some baby weight and more meat on my bones. Now I know I am percieved as fat by people and I feel so beside myself.

If you dont mind posting, how tall are you? what were you before pregnancy? what are you now?

I am only asking because you said you never thought you were FAT you thought you could lose weight. Maybe your perception is off/wrong.

If you are really fat: Maybe if you understood the reality, instead of being depressed you can say to yourself "wow, I am fat I need to do something about it"

If you are really NOT fat: Instead of being depressed of people thinking you are fat then you can realize that maybe friends who cant be normal around you because of your weight maybe arent the best of friends.

amother

Wed, Sep 24 2014, 11:51 am

Sending you a hug. Weight and self image is an issue so many of us have to deal with. Are you seeing a therapist? Maybe it might help. Also, are you working with your doctor on a plan to get to a healthier weight? It's hard to be positive or motivated when depressed. But I would try my best to use this opportunity as that "wake-up call" to get yourself healthier. Work with your dr to come up with a plan to help you get to a healthier weight. Find a nutritionist. Join a gym, check out exercise videos from the library or there are excerise videos on YouTube. Find a friend to walk with. Make healthier food choices. take the stairs instead of the elevator. Park in the far back of the parking lot. You don't have to make major changes at one time. But try to make small changes at first and it will get easier. Weight problems really run in my family. I'm thin, but really really struggle to keep the weight off, esp since I have a desk job where I sit all day. And it look me 18 months to get the baby weight off with my son (35 lbs). You can do it. You just need to get support and find what works for you.

Maya

Wed, Sep 24 2014, 11:56 am

I am about sixty pounds heavier than when I got married almost ten years ago.

It's taken me a while to realize that as long as I try to watch my food intake and do some exercise, my self-worth is not dependent on my dress size.

How shallow must your friends be if they actually feel awkward because you went up a few dress sizes! I mean, they're uncomfortable because you now look a little different than you did a few years ago? These are people you need to get the h*ll away from, not invite into your home. And you can tell your friends that.

imasinger

Wed, Sep 24 2014, 12:20 pm

Hugs, how painful.

I wonder if there was any meanness intended. I rather doubt it. People notice major physical changes, and with significant weight gain or loss, know they shouldn't say anything, even if they have to get used to a new look on a person.

I bet she kicked herself when she got off the phone, if she had any social savvy.

But if you open a conversation by saying, "I could see my weight had an impact on you," you may be subtly encouraging people to share THEIR feelings on YOUR change. Which there really is no reason to do -- bad for them, bad for you..

If instead of saying, "I see you were bothered by...", you had said, "I hate that I've gained so much weight since sem days," you would probably have had a whole different conversation,a much kinder one.

rachelbg

Wed, Sep 24 2014, 12:29 pm

I'm sorry, OP.

You know how there are some things that people think in their heads but don't actually say out loud? There are lots of those kinds of things that happen every day around us. Even if a person notices and is surprised by a person's weight gain, that's NEVER something that's supposed to come out of anyone's mouth!

Your friends are clearly socially off - either socially inept or just have incredibly poor middos.

Don't worry about people's perceptions of you in this regard. Do what you need/want to do for your self about it, but don't let other peoples' really off comments offend you.

They are the ones with the REAL problem - not you.

debsey

Wed, Sep 24 2014, 12:37 pm

This is so hard, OP. I have a similar thing every time I get pregnant - I gain a lot of weight (I'm on steroids usually, so my face looks really puffy and gross) and it takes a long time for me to lose. I've had people visibly stare when I'm two weeks postpartum, because I look so odd. I honestly think, though, that it's just a reflex reaction and that their reaction does not mean that you don't look OK.

It sounds like (From what you describe) that you still look lovely, just not supermodel-thin as you were before. So I wouldn't worry about it - just know that you look the way Hashem intended you to - like a mother!

And when all the hormone stuff and thyroid stuff calms down, you'll lose it again. Meanwhile, enjoy your life! Hopefully the friends will grow up.

ValleyMom

Wed, Sep 24 2014, 1:11 pm

I AM fat. Not pleasingly plump, not a little zaftig, let's call a spade a spade: I am fat.
I need to lose 100 pounds at least.

For years I was ok with being really fat as I was a size 12 when I got married and I felt fat then.

NOW I am truly fat.

I've been to the doctor for a check up and he says I am healthy, no diabetes, high blood pressure etc. however, I am fat and need to lose weight.

I ahem tried it all:
Lindora
OA
CEA HOW
weight watchers
slim fast
south beach
carbo hydrate addicts diet
atkins
etc.

Today I eat plant based unprocessed diet.
NO sugar
NO oil
NO salt
Nothing with a face, or had a mother.
No milk/dairy products
No fish
No eggs.
No tofu

What DO I eat?
fresh vegetables
steamed vegetables
fruit
legumes
beans

My weight is finally coming off.
In six weeks I am down 3 clothing sizes and 16 pounds.

I feel great, my skin is great, my bags under my eyes are gone, I am more awake-I have more energy and best of all I AM HAPPIER than I have been in a long time. I am also much more patient.

Watch the documentary Forks Over Knives
Educate yourself read MacDougals maximum weight loss
Read anything by Dr. Joel Fuhrman
Read Unprocessed by Chef AJ (my life saver)

I have been heavy and over weight for 24 years and I finally feel like something is working for me.
Now, in the past 48 hours I have made 4 briskets, 1 french roast, 1 rolled turkey breast, 5 rainbow trout and six gefilta fish loaves- I tasted nothing. It smells great but I feel better so I don't want to eat that stuff.
For today.
I don't know how long I can maintain this eating lifestyle but one day at a time it is working for me.

I accepted being fat for 24 years. I always look great-dressed well, wore awesome makeup and accessories, but I was still fat. Today I feel more in control of my health.

Good luck to you OP.
There's nothing wrong in being at pecs with who you are for toady but when you are ready there are all sorts of options out there.

amother

Wed, Sep 24 2014, 1:42 pm

amother wrote:

Op here. I am between 5'8 and 5'9, I weighed 145last time she saw me. Now I'm 168-170 Sad

its hard enough to be heavier than before, its so much worse to know ppl treat u differently. And the worst was hearing that they were talking abt my weight gain in the car ride over.

I'm 5'3" and weigh 150. Before I lost weight, I weighed as muhc as you and wore a size 14. Yes it was overweight but I wasn't wearing plus sizes and I'M SHORT. you couldn't possibly look heavier than I did at your height. 145 pounds is probably very thin for you and your current size is just mildly overweight.

I don't know what kind of friends you have but I wouldn't think twice if I saw you at your current size.

amother

Wed, Sep 24 2014, 1:43 pm

causemommysaid wrote:

sorry your not fat.

145 is nice and thin for your height.

170 is on the higher side of average.

you can lose 10-15 pounds sure, but your nowhere near the range of fat.

try again.

Trust me I don't want to have been made to feel fat. Like I said earlier in the post it didn't really dawn on me thta it was so obvious that I was 'fat' till this happened with my friends. I saw a look on my friends face when she saw me, she had this awkward attitude to me the first 10 minutes especially while we were 'catching up.' I realized then that she was looking at me weird, and that my weight gain was probably what was throwing her off. It made the rest of the evening while I hung out with her and 'chanie' kind of uncomfortable for me although I made it normal by just going with the flow.
When she called me she also sounded a bit different and fake, which was why I said the comment that I felt like she acted different to me and was acting weird and I was pretty sure I got the feeling it's because of that she saw how I gained weight. I asked if I was right. She sounded SO relieved that I brought it up and said I was totally right. and then asked if I wanted to talk about it, and if I'm trying to lose weight (again, it's hard now bc I have a 1 yr old baby and thyroid issue) and how I feel about myself. She then said that when she was in the car on the way chanie "warned'' her not to act weird around me since I am not skinny anymore and gained weight. As im writing this I'm just so perplexed, what the he** is wrong with my friends? I know that ''chanie'' didn't mean for my other friend to tell me about that conversation in the car, but what the heck!! who does that?! and then to make matters worse on the phone my friend also went on to say how she saw me after I had my first kid and how skinny I was then, and that it must be different the more kids that you have. Ok I think I'm done talking about this it's just making me more depressed. I think the main point is that now I feel that the weight gain is affecting how everyone around me looks at me and I feel self consious everywhere I go now bc of that conversation.

amother

Wed, Sep 24 2014, 2:09 pm

I'm the amother who asked what you actually weigh.

I just put your numbers in a BMI calculator and you are not fat. I know your current numbers show "overweight" but I have been "overweight" and looked no where near it and my doctor told me to ignore the BMI that its a horrible concept either way.

If your friends werent able to have a basic conversation with you because of your weight then there is something wrong with them. Dont let it bother you. If it bothers you that they were talking behind your back then I have 2 answers: 1) friends dont talk behind friends backs (meaning I dont think they are such good friends and you should find new ones) 2) get use to the fact that people are talking about you behind your back. Thats what people do. I dont think its right but that is what people do.

If the weight bothers you then do something about it. If the weight only bothers you because of your friends, then get new friends or just put these friends in a different category.

I went to high school with someone who was a size 8-10 in high school and is now probably a 3x. I see her at least once a week. I do not talk to her weird, I do not look her up and down. I cant promise you that the first time I saw her as a 3x that my facial expressions wasnt shock, but I think I hid it well. There is a major difference between this girl I know and you. The shock shouldnt have been there.

Also I think that maybe you should just cough it up to "Chanie" having a (what I like to call) "brain fart moment". She shouldnt have warned the friend. She should have let the friend make her own observations. It is very possible this friend was weirded out because she was told to be weirded out. Its kind of like kids not noticing "abnormalities" with their friends only when their parents point it out.

Barbara

Wed, Sep 24 2014, 2:25 pm

ValleyMom wrote:

She could also use skim milk in her coffee instead of half and half, and lose the ONE POUND that she is overweight (according to the BMI calculator, she is overweight at 170, but not at 168) in fairly short order.

Honestly.

I'm glad you've found a way of eating that works for you, and wish you luck with it.

But let's not feed into this culture of weight shaming of people who are within, or very close to within, normal bounds.

Or justify people who are so shallow that they cannot hold a normal conversation with someone who happens to be carrying a couple of pounds more than she wants.

OP, as others said, find some new friends who have a couple of brain cells to rub together.

And, yes, if you want to lose some weight, try to exercise and eat more mindfully. But not because you're "fat."

causemommysaid

Wed, Sep 24 2014, 2:55 pm

amother wrote:

I completely get it. after a baby when I am overweight I hate seeing family or friends who know me as thinner. it makes me feel bad even if they don't care.

your friends sound kind of strange. why would weight make them uncomfortable? especially when we are talking a grand total of 20 pounds....for a woman your height that could like one dress size.

the problem is with them- not you.

zaq

Wed, Sep 24 2014, 4:04 pm

You need to get some new friends because there is something seriously wrong with these women. Yes, it can be a momentary shock when someone you haven't seen in a long time looks very different, but that should wear off quickly once you start talking. You last saw this woman when you were--what? 18? 19? Since then you have married and had ka"h THREE children. So you put on 20-25 lbs; marriage and motherhood tends to do that to people. Distributed over a 5'9" frame your extra weight hardly qualifies as ballooning. You're not twice your former size, nor have you shaved your head, dyed it blue and tattooed a vulgar invitation on your forehead. So this woman's "awkwardness" is just infantile.

Just curious--are these two winners married? Mothers?