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15mins a day per child - how???



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ABC




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 29 2014, 2:47 am
My friend just sent me an article explaining the value in having 15 minutes alone with each child every day. I agree with this, but how on earth do we do it when we have bli ayn hora 5 kids?

I'm looking here for practical advice how to find the time to do this. Do you schedule it like an appointment (wouldn't this just make the child feel like another chore on the list?) And how do you make the other kids respect when it's not their turn? I've tried this in the past, with the explanation that 'if you spoil someone else's turn, they will want to spoil yours', but then this just ends up being fighting and threatening and completely detracts from the nice feeling we're trying to build. And DH is not around most of the time, so we can't split this.

Please help!
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chani8




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 29 2014, 3:01 am
15 minutes times 5 kids is an hour and 15 minutes a day.

Anyway, I was never rigid about the time. Just be sure to dote on each child a few times each day. Making sure to give hugs and praise. Give your full attention when your child talks to you.

When they were older, I did have once a week 'quality time' with each child. They got to go grocery shopping with me, which included stopping at the bakery for a treat, and getting to pick out the family's Shobbos treats.
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ora_43




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 29 2014, 4:08 am
ITA with chani. I don't think it's realistic to do exactly 15 minutes each day. That is, it's nice if it happens naturally, but if the only way to do it would be to ignore 4 kids completely for 1 hour a day - not realistic. (It would be fine for just one parent to be ignoring them, but if there's no other parent or babysitter, not so much).

Like chani, I find a mix of smaller amounts of daily personal time and larger chunks of time on a non-daily basis works for us.
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citimom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 29 2014, 6:27 am
Same here. If I'm baking, I'll call one child over and ask if they want to help. If I'm running out to the grocery store in the evening I'll invite one to join. There are definitely evenings when there's no one on one time. As long as overall your kids know you're there for them, is fine.
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catonmylap




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 29 2014, 7:10 am
I think the person who wrote the article had in mind smaller families...

15 minutes a day/ 2 kids --- 1/2 hour a day -- not too hard at all!
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 29 2014, 7:16 am
Could you make it 10 minutes per kid, and do all of them every 2 days instead of each day?
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abound




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 29 2014, 7:21 am
I don't tell them this is your fifteen minutes (I aim for 10 by the way)
I sort of let it happen naturally. I tell one kid wanna read a book. Or I sit down while the kids are playing and totally focus in on one kid. I would play othello with him and say Now I am playing with Chani. The older kids, I wash dishes with them. Whatever they are doing........
I don't threaten them with spoiling someone elses time. I do it in a sort of way that I connect with each kid. SInce each child has different times that they come home etc, it sort of happens the same time each day, and I like it this way so "I" know that I got to each child, but THEY don't know. They just know that mommy likes to spend time with me, or we enjoy each others company.
DO NOT start with everyone at once. Choose the child that you have the most difficult relationship with, or the easiest one that is always getting looked over, after 2-3 weeks add a child into your routine.
This does not work with preteens and teens, at this point you just spend time with them.

Oh, and the person who came up with this has 13 children.
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benny




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 29 2014, 7:32 am
I do this at bed time. Just lay in bed and schmooze or read a book... Usually younger ones are in bed when it's older ones turn so no interruptions. Older ones know of they disturb when I'm with sibling they will lose their turn with me that day... So it really works out well. It's so important!
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saw50st8




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 29 2014, 8:18 am
benny wrote:
I do this at bed time. Just lay in bed and schmooze or read a book... Usually younger ones are in bed when it's older ones turn so no interruptions. Older ones know of they disturb when I'm with sibling they will lose their turn with me that day... So it really works out well. It's so important!


We do this too.

I don't count 15 minutes each specifically, but that's approximately how long I spend with each of them.

I think it's really important. It's one of the reasons I don't want so many kids (we have 4).

I think it's sad that people can't devote 15 minutes a day to their kids. Missing a day or so is not a huge deal, but it should be a part of your overall day plan.
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abound




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 29 2014, 8:33 am
It is important because we are not raising a tribe, we are raising people. If you take a child out once a week or once a month for quality time it is better than nothing, but it does not compare to really connecting to each child daily, to that feeling that the kid has his or her mom or dads full attention, sometimes it is just to shmooze and sometimes it is for something more.
I believe and know this is possible with a large family, Think creatively and you can stick it in, The other children can be around but the focus should be on that one child.
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zigi




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 29 2014, 10:07 am
I make sure to connect to each child during the day. walking to the bus stop is a great time. also when we wait for the other kids bus. or the each one gets a bedtime story,
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ora_43




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 29 2014, 10:47 am
saw50st8 wrote:
I think it's sad that people can't devote 15 minutes a day to their kids. Missing a day or so is not a huge deal, but it should be a part of your overall day plan.

I don't think it's very nice to say it's "sad" after some people said they don't do this. Also, not so accurate to refer to "can't spend 15 minutes alone with each child each day" as "can't devote 15 minutes a day to their kids" - I can think of people who spend all day, every day with their kids, but struggle to do this due to scheduling issues (usually, young kids + other spouse works super full time).

I think it's a great thing when it works for people, but it's not a "should." Parents should treat their kids as individuals, and give them each attention. But there are a variety of ways to do that, each with its benefits and downsides. There are downsides to having one-on-one time less often, but advantages to having a longer period of time. There are benefits to making it a formal thing of "X minutes a day" (at least in the parent's mind), and benefits to being more flexible.
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ora_43




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 29 2014, 10:49 am
abound wrote:
I don't tell them this is your fifteen minutes (I aim for 10 by the way)
I sort of let it happen naturally. I tell one kid wanna read a book. Or I sit down while the kids are playing and totally focus in on one kid. I would play othello with him and say Now I am playing with Chani. The older kids, I wash dishes with them. Whatever they are doing........

How old are the kids? What are young kids doing while the older kids get "their" time? Or do the youngest kids come home last?
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abound




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 29 2014, 11:02 am
My youngest is 2 she is home with me in the morning after the kids leave.
One kid comes home 2P so I gave her sometime, in between work, I work from home Smile
Then next 2 come home at 4P. When I walk with them I focus on one kid and the other one does his own thing, the other kids are around or not, but I can talk or play with one kid while the other kid is building a lego or kapla or puzzle or sitting and watching me interact with his/her sibling.
I try to put them in bed before 7P when my older kids come home and then I don't give them 10 minutes anymore, but I am there and available for them.
It does not always work easily, but I try and it is a goal worth striving for.
Sometimes they try to ask me something and I say, I am in middle of playing or talking with Rivky, please wait a few more minutes.
THen they nudge scream and yell........Smile
but I don't give in to them, after a while they get used to it.
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