Difficult to keep family minhogim

amother

Tue, Sep 30 2014, 10:26 am

What do you do when you are pressured to change your minhogim? Here is my story. I come from a tichel only community. I gradually became Lubavitch and I feel pressured to wear a shaitel. Our LOR told my DH I should wear one. I don't think tichels are superior to shaitels but I want to keep my minhogim. On the other hand, I don't want my DH to be an outcast because I wear a tichel.
Did you ever experience such a dilemma? What did you do?

Chayalle

Tue, Sep 30 2014, 10:31 am

I was told to adopt my DH's minhagim when I married, wherever they conflicted with mine. But I didn't have such a big change to make - nothing so external. My biggest difference - I changed my nusach of tefillah from Sfard to Ashkenaz.

My sister eats gebrokts on Pesach, since her marriage.

There were some things I changed about my dress when I moved to Lakewood, because the Rabbonim here are more stringent than where I grew up. Those changes were hard for me but I got used to them.

happybeingamom

Tue, Sep 30 2014, 10:31 am

What does your DH want. In my opinion Shalom Bayis comes before minhagim but not halacha.

I think the concept of Minhag HaMakom might apply in this case as well.

Now, if you consider wearing a shaitel against halacha you need to speak to your personal Rav about that.

Many people hold that when a woman marries she takes on her husbands minhagim so see if this applies in this case as well.

Hatzlacha

amother

Tue, Sep 30 2014, 10:54 am

Sometimes discomfort in minhagim come from the feeling of just do it because that's the minhag. I'm not saying that's the case here but maybe learning and discussing with someone you look up to why a sheitel is more preferred by your husbands minhogim might make you more comfortable with the idea or maybe you can compromise with your husband till you grow into it which places or when you need to wear a sheitel and when you can still wear a tichel till you are more comfortable.

amother

Tue, Sep 30 2014, 11:41 am

I'm a little confused, and maybe its because I dont know enough about the issue.

I know some communities (if I'm not mistaken sefardi) only wear tichel type of coverings because they hold a sheitle isnt okay halachicly not a minhag thing.

It seems like you come from a community where tichel were not the minhag but the halacha.
Now you are part of a community where sheitle is accepted and not viewed at as against halacha.

If you were to wear a sheitle you would feel like "you are doing something wrong"

When you ask a rav and he says the spot on the bedikah is okay even though you 100% thought he was going to say it was bad, you may have a bit of "guilt" feeling inside but you listen to him. As time goes on and the more sheilos you ask you learn to accept the rav's psak easier and the guilt feelings arent as strong as in the beginning.

The same would happen with the sheitle.

I eat horseradish, cabbage, etc during RH/Succos time, even in my father's house, but my father doesnt. Thats because my dh is okay with it.

also the other side of this issue is your dh....why does he want you wearing a sheitle?
does he think you are prettier in a sheitle?
does he feel embarrassed that his friends are talking behind his back?
does he feel your kids may feel "weird" because their mom doesnt look like the other moms?

The reason is important (at least to me). Whatever the reason is, the issue at hand is reason not the sheitle itself. Meaning, if he wants you took prettier for him, why cant you put your feelings aside for him? If its the second, why are his friends feelings more important to him that your feelings?

MrsDuby

Tue, Sep 30 2014, 1:02 pm

this is interesting.

tehre are many stories of people that were various types of Chasseedish and became lubavitch but they were instructed to "keep their livush" ... I know many of such people. So they wear the streimlach and the bekesheh and have the long payis. However these are men....

I would look into this more. ESPECIALLY if its something youre not so comfortable with.

amother

Tue, Sep 30 2014, 1:28 pm

MrsDuby wrote:

tehre are many stories of people that were various types of Chasseedish and became lubavitch but they were instructed to "keep their livush" ... I know many of such people. So they wear the streimlach and the bekesheh and have the long payis. However these are men....

OP again. There are no other ex-chassidish people in my community, so I don't know what the women wear, or if they were asked to wear an open shaitel.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Sep 30 2014, 3:52 pm

It's hard to give advice on this one, because every couple and every community is different.

I married into Chabad, and DH and I had to do a lot of negotiating the first few years. (I'm a BT, and I took on a Sephardic minhag because that's the shul I belonged to before I met DH.) I really understand that there is nothing "simple" about changing your hair covering. It's not just a matter of what to put on your head.

I think that the main issue that needs to be explored is why you don't want to wear a sheitel, and if there's any room for compromise there. Do you live in Crown Heights? Is your husband in a prominent position in the Chabad community (rosh kollel, etc.)? Do you get migraines or have sensory issues about hair around your face? Do you personally feel that wearing a sheitel is ossur? Would your family be appalled if you wore a sheitel?

For me, I wear tichels around the house, and when I go shopping. I save the sheitel for Shabbos and Yom Tov, and other times when I know I'll be around Ashkenazic people. As soon as I get home, the sheitel comes off, and the tichel goes right back on!

amother

Tue, Sep 30 2014, 5:20 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

I think that the main issue that needs to be explored is why you don't want to wear a sheitel, and if there's any room for compromise there. Do you live in Crown Heights? Is your husband in a prominent position in the Chabad community (rosh kollel, etc.)? Do you get migraines or have sensory issues about hair around your face? Do you personally feel that wearing a sheitel is ossur? Would your family be appalled if you wore a sheitel?

We don't live in CH and DH does not have a prominent function in the community. I don't get migraines B"H and I probably wouldn't like hair around my face because I'm not used to it (it was always braided before I got married), but that's not at all an issue. I adapt very well.
I just don't feel I would be doing the right thing wearing a shaitel, not that I think it's ossur (not at all), but I am proud of my background, even if I gravitated towards a new community. I don't think my family would be appalled because for them I already left the community, but for me it would be an act of rebellion. I chose Lubavitch for many reasons, but not because I hated my community. The cultural ties are still very strong.

mummiedearest

Tue, Sep 30 2014, 5:31 pm

amother wrote:

op, call your family's rav and ask for advice. I would not take dh's rav's word as law, he gave you his opinion without being asked. but if you think there's some sense to what he says, talk to your old rav for balance.

Dina_B613

Tue, Sep 30 2014, 9:41 pm

I guessing I'm wondering, if these people have time to gossip about your tichel enough that a Rav notices, maybe they could come clean my kitchen? They clearly have too much time on your hands. Maybe with that free time they could get together a pool of money to buy you a sheitel?

poelmamosh

Tue, Sep 30 2014, 10:09 pm

I know women who kept their tichel/hat as a primary covering when they became Chabad. They were either sephardi/yerushalmi or chasseedish previously (one is a BT who lives in Meah Shearim and adopted the yerushalmi dress, white apron included).

You have to decide on your own (with some input from your husband because it has implications of your family, especially your future daughter IYH and how THEY decide to cover), but here are some thoughts from a Chabad sheitel-wearer:

*The Rebbe encouraged sheitels specifically, and therefore, in addition to the tznius aspect involved, it is a matter of hiskashrus (connecting to the Rebbe's ideals) for many Chabad women. I am sure that there are many ways in which my tznius can improve, but this one is on top of my list.

*Unlike certain other (non-kabbalah based) streams of orthodoxy, it is an imperative for a Chabad women to cover ALL her hair. There is no doubt that a sheitel accomplishes this best, which is why the Rebbe advocated for them. TBH, the women I know personally who successfully fully cover all the time (no stray hairs!) with a tichel/hat wear more than one covering or shave their hair.