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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
Overweight and a snitcher
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redroses




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 01 2014, 3:27 pm
It sounds to me like your DD is very aware of what she should or shoudl not be eating, but for her it is an issue of self-control. At this point a carefully laid out diet may be able to control the situation but not cure the underlying reasons of why she can't contol herself. She is not hungry when she is eating a bag of chocolate chips or 15 slices of cheese but it is fulfilling another purpose for her. I think it would be helpful for her to work with someone who can help her figure out why she can't stop once she starts. It is probably subconscious but talking about it will help her discover what it is.

HUGS!
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amother


 

Post Wed, Oct 01 2014, 8:54 pm
Sounds like your daughter has NSRED (nocturnal sleep related eating disorder). I think you should find someone suitable to treat that specific condition.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Oct 01 2014, 8:58 pm
Go back to the nutritionist Maybe the plan is too restricted. She needs to know she can nosh in moderation. If she feels restricted, shes more likely to overeat.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Oct 01 2014, 9:40 pm
Op, my parents used to lock the food pantry and fridge from us as kids. We were not overweight, but they wanted to limit us from taking things when they werent around.
Honestly, this just made me find the key snd sneak food to my room.
Eventually I became bullimic. I would eat a ton and purge it.

Its so unhealthy to be obessed with food like this.

Make sure you get to the root of her eating and try to make it a non issue.

Let her eat the same healthy foods and snacks as the rest of the family. Excersize all together by taking walks. Invest in the step it up jewish dance game and play together.
Enroll her in lessons or classes that she likes. Not just active classes, but music or art lessons. This will give her less time sitting at home, bored snd thinking about food, and will give her an outlet.

Let her enjoy yom tov with out causing issues about food, and then go for a hike or bike ride on chol hamoed.

Hatzlacha
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octopus




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 01 2014, 9:47 pm
I have my own struggles with my child. However, I made house rules. I do not police one child. Why are you putting a ten year old on the treadmill??!!! let her ride a bike! play at the park! sign up for gymnastics (the kind where they move all the time). Make moving around FUN. put on music and just dance with your kids. Children playing tag probably burns way more calories than that stupid old treadmill. Try moving around like a kid. It's way more exhausting than any high pumping aerobics class.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Oct 01 2014, 10:00 pm
I honestly want to punch you right now. You sound worse than my parents and they were pretty bad. My father used to push me up and down on the trampoline to force me to exercise. I was completely humiliated. I never wanted to diet because at 8 (the first time my parents put me on a diet) it was an embarrassing proposition. I still remember crying when I got fat free pretzels for shabbos party when my siblings got potato chips (back in the day they thought fat was the problem).

The most important lesson I learned from it is that you can't force your kid to diet. I was a closet eater. Not because I was scared of taking food in front of my parents (at home I ate fine) but I got such a complex about eating in putlic. I figured everyone would be looking at me and wondering why the fat girl was eating. It also took a HUGE toll on my self esteem that took years to heal somewhat and also gave me an awful taste for dieting in general which backfired on them because when I got to about 8th grade when everyone was dieting I refused to do anything related to it. Till this day I have bad taste in my mouth about dieting and exercise and I think they made it harder for me to ever do it.

Honestly, if you want to succeed and care about your daughter you will shut up now and let her do her own thing. You don't need to tell her her clothes won't fit she knows that. You DO need to keep buying her new clothing though. Her being fat is not a reason to love her less or treat her differently than your other kids. Also, never tell her she has such a pretty face. Us fat folks know the end of the sentence would be "but such an awful body" so just skip it.

I honestly wish you the best but keep away from your daughters weight problem!
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amother


 

Post Wed, Oct 01 2014, 10:31 pm
To the amother above me thats upset,

You are right in one area, you have to listen you your DC and make sure they dont feel deprived. On shabbos my DS goes to shul and eat whatever he wants at the kiddush. Shabbos party is a super snack he craves. We eat healthy on the other 6 days.

My DS feels better and calmer after he exercises. I dont force the treadmill, but if the weather isnt nice he cant play football or ride his bike. My DS lost 11 pounds once we watched his snack calories and got him to exercise. He also plays sports. I dont restrict him at meals, we all eat the same. He eats only whole wheat, like most of the family.

My DS knows that if he is ever "still hungry" he can eat a yogurt, apple, banana with peanut butter or ask before taking a pretzel.

I am concerned about his health and social situations. Boys can be mean, and they do call him names. The doctors we took him to encouraged him to exercise so that he would build muscles and become stronger. No one makes fun of the fastest runner.

Overweight kids can develop heart issues as they grow into adulthood, if they dont lose the weight. Their heart isnt strong enough to pump for a body that is obese. I would rather have a DC that is constantly conscious of what he eats, than have him on medications. My DS is an expert at reading labels.

You should never put a child on any diet without talking to your doctor. What works for others may not be right for your DC. My doctor and endocrinologist discouraged me from going to a nutritionist for now.

The biggest problem in my house is that I have another DC that is underweight and is never hungry. I was told to feed the DC anything and everything. I think when we were able to see all the bones poking out after a growth spurt, did my overweight DS understand.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Oct 01 2014, 11:26 pm
This could have been written by my mom, too. And guess what? You are going about it in such an awful way that, I'm predicting, she'll only keep gaining. My mom locking up food, shaming me, crying about how I was going to die at 20, telling my she loved me and would buy me new clothes if I lost weight didn't work. I only overate more to overcome the emotions that I was feeling about my body and my family. You need to approach this very, very carefully or your daughter will sink herself further into this by comforting herself with food.

The way we discussed weight in my family was so unhealthy. Six year-olds were told that they needed to wear clothes that made them look "sleek." When my family got together, my weight was a constant focus and was "the ultimate goal." Got good grades? Fantastic. Nice to your brother? Great. Lose weight? LETS THROW A PARTY & alert the universe - and serve cake because you've been so "good." And if I was 10 and weighing and measuring my food, I probably would be so down on myself that I would've been sneaking food even more.

If you want to be successful in empowering her to be HEALTHY, you need to think about the following:

Speech: You are going to have to be careful here. Your words could spark the exact opposite reaction that you're looking for. For me, a huge trigger was when my mom said: "Do you really need that second piece?" I hated that line so much that I ALWAYS took the second piece just to spite my parents. And for crying out loud, don't take her to a WW meeting with a bunch of 40 year-olds. My parents did that to me. And now, years later, I vaguely appreciate the sentiment but the humiliation burns me more than love ever could undo that burn.

How you convey information: Don't get into the dramatics. My mother could have won an Emmy with her flair for how my weight was basically going to kill me and how my being fat was basically going to destroy life on this planet. But, you don't need to just say, "A BMI of 34 means x, y, z" in a clinical voice either.

Stick to NOW: Don't make predictions. Don't tell your daughter she'll never get a shidduch, will die early, etc. It's just not helpful. And when she does get a shidduch and doesn't die early, she's going to think that you're full of it.

Educate Yourself: You are going to need to educate yourself about food culture, overeating, and about how "discipline" isn't going to get you where you want.
You are not dealing with "just don't take anymore chocolate chips." People who are compulsive overeaters cannot take just 5 chocolate chips! I don't know your daughter, I can't diagnose her, but she sounds a LOT like me when I was 10. You can't teach moderation, because when it comes to food, she just doesn't have that setting. While your daughter might understand it intellectually, as someone who has issues with hoarding and sneaking food, she is not going to "get it."

Provide a healthy environment: Stock your pantry with fruit and start eating whole foods that are nutrient dense. Also, you are going to have to get rid of her trigger foods - clearly, cheese and chocolate chips are triggers for her. Don't bring them into the house the same way that you wouldn't bring alcohol into the house if she was struggling with that. It may sound extreme, but not buying your dd clothes that fit is also extreme.

Boundaries: Remember: it's her body - not yours. Do not think about your family's "image" and how an overweight child will effect it. Just don't - she'll feel it and will want to rebel even more.

Here are some educational resources that IMHO are very very valuable:

www.soveya.org - a Torah approach to weight maintenance from a rabbinic couple who has been there
www.halfsizeme.com - they have a lot of stuff about maintenance.
www.pcrm.org - good information about incorporation fruits and vegetables of all colors into your diet.
http://www.kveller.com/blog/pa.....razy/
http://www.kveller.com/blog/pa.....dies/
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oliveoil




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 01 2014, 11:32 pm
octopus wrote:
I have my own struggles with my child. However, I made house rules. I do not police one child. Why are you putting a ten year old on the treadmill??!!! let her ride a bike! play at the park! sign up for gymnastics (the kind where they move all the time). Make moving around FUN. put on music and just dance with your kids. Children playing tag probably burns way more calories than that stupid old treadmill. Try moving around like a kid. It's way more exhausting than any high pumping aerobics class.


Quoting because I could not have said it better. Treadmills are a last resort - definitely not for a 10 year old!
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Dina_B613




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 01 2014, 11:33 pm
As someone who has lost weight successfully (and kept it off) after being a compulsive eater, this is what I can tell you:

I only lost weight once I learned to love myself. I was almost 300 pounds. I a little more than half of that now.

Loving and accepting myself was the only diet that ever worked.
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oliveoil




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 01 2014, 11:35 pm
Also weighing and measuring food at that age seems like a bad, bad idea. Your daughter should NOT feel like she's dieting.
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causemommysaid




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 02 2014, 12:21 am
my mother never bothered me about my weight even though I was overweight.

when I turned 12 I decided I wanted to look good and I went on a diet. my mother made me healthy food and did not buy junk because I asked her not too.

I kept the weight off because it was my own choice.

my mother was not an enforcer. instead she enabled me to lose weight once I made the decision myself.

be like my mother. what your doing is awful even though you mean well.
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Chana Miriam S




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 02 2014, 1:59 am
vintagebknyc wrote:
malky, I believe you need to find her some help.

if you know me at all from this site, you'll know that I rarely scream out diagnoses and suggest therapy. people think I'm a bit outspoken and incendiary, but I don't rush to judgement where mental health is concerned.

you've not addressed my posts toward you, maybe because what I'm telling you is scary/overwhelming. I am not meaning to be annoying or a know-it-all. I won't post again unless you ask me to, and I'll leave you with this link for children who are overeaters: http://www.oa.org/newcomers/youth-in-oa/

hazlacha.
xx


This is the best piece of advice you will get
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amother


 

Post Thu, Oct 02 2014, 7:27 am
I don't have a child with overeating problem, but I have one who would wet herself after having been trained, after a stressful event. I would yell, and threaten, took away toys and beautiful clothes, so she wouldnt soil them. Nothing helped. It only lead to her saying that she doesn't care for toys and clothes and I can have them (at the age of 4!!).

So when she wasn't wet for an entire day (and I was so excited!) her room was kinda stinky, and after cleaning up I discovered a pile of wet tights and panties in the corner, I realized that I hit the rock bottom and am not moving anywhere with my methods.
I consulted psychologist and the only thing he was telling me was giving her more love.
And that's the only thing that eventually helped.

I think her eating secretly is a huge red flag for you that you are not getting anywhere! Leave the topic, let her eat what she wants, build up a relationship with her and start anew!
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rowo




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 02 2014, 7:50 am
Maybe speak to a child psychologist and have her go as well.
Don't talk about food. I know it will prob seem impossible, but just drop it for a while.
Have lots of healthy yummy food around so no one feels deprived.
Look into the 'real food' movement or the paleo diet, there's a great paleo family/kids cookbook called 'eat like a dinosaur' or google the paleo parents.
Splenda or other artificial sweeteners do not belong in a child's (or adults for that matter) diet. They do more harm than good.
There are so many healthy nutritious recipes available online. Do a bit or research on nutrient dense food ( Weston a price for example)
I seriously make desserts that I'm happy for my family to eat, not that I reluctantly give them as a treat because it's shabbos, but food that is yum and good for you at the same time.
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Runner18




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 02 2014, 11:27 am
OP: I was the girl you described.

By the time I was 9, I, too was sneaking food from the kitchen. Did I want to be thin and not overweight? More than anything. I hated feeling out of control, the shame of my body getting bigger, the embarassment of being a family "project" that everyone knew about. Whatever food I couldn't have at home I made sure to get my hands on in school, at stores, and of course, at other people's houses on playdates. Nothing my mother did could stop the food obsession that I had, and my own willpower-- despite knowing full well how sad it made me to be fat- wasn't enough to stop the behaviors.

Going to a nutritionist is not enough, nor is Weight Watchers. I did Weight Watchers as a kid; it's just more obsessing about foods and measurements, it doesn't cure the emptiness inside that I was trying to fill with food.

As an adult, I found OA and today I live a life that has so much joy and inner peace, without the food and weight obsession. I'm in a normal size body, I don't binge, I don't obsess over food, and I view food as simply the fuel that my body needs to live.

I don't know your daughter's trajectory, and clearly everyone has strong opinions here, but as someone who was there doing exactly what your daughter is doing, I think she needs to work with a therapist who can help her with her compulsive behaviors. In addition, it wouldn't be a bad idea for you to meet with a therapist a few times to see if you could benefit from some help. Clearly your desire to control the situation may be backfiring and your fears around your daughter ending up like your husband's family may be carrying you away from the ability to be present in the moment with her and be there for her not at her food enforcer, not as the pantry lock-er, not as the case planner, but as a mommy who is there for her little girl who is so obviously in pain.
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mandr




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 02 2014, 11:48 am
Shame on everyone bashing the OP. She clearly wants the best for her child although she needs some support and education. Vintage had the best advice on this thread.
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mha3484




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 02 2014, 12:20 pm
I grew up with the opposite issue in that every pound gained was a big deal. I ate almost nothing until high school.

What I don't understand is, how is it okay to saddle a child with a large list of health issues as she gets older? An overweight or obese adult is a huge risk for diabetes, heart issues, asthma and the list goes on and on. If op leaves her child alone isnt she harming her in the long run?
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amother


 

Post Thu, Oct 02 2014, 12:24 pm
mha3484 wrote:
I grew up with the opposite issue in that every pound gained was a big deal. I ate almost nothing until high school.

What I don't understand is, how is it okay to saddle a child with a large list of health issues as she gets older? An overweight or obese adult is a huge risk for diabetes, heart issues, asthma and the list goes on and on. If op leaves her child alone isnt she harming her in the long run?


of course she needs to help her child but deprivation is not the answer. that will only make things worse. they need to get to the root of the problem so that the child on her own does not want to overeat.
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amother


 

Post Thu, Oct 02 2014, 2:18 pm
mha3484 wrote:
I grew up with the opposite issue in that every pound gained was a big deal. I ate almost nothing until high school.

What I don't understand is, how is it okay to saddle a child with a large list of health issues as she gets older? An overweight or obese adult is a huge risk for diabetes, heart issues, asthma and the list goes on and on. If op leaves her child alone isnt she harming her in the long run?

Honestly I think I'd have been much better off had I had my mothers unconditional love and had she not forced me to diet. I think that's what makes it so hard for me to diet till this day. So in the long run she was worse for my health with no gain because I never lost on her diets anyway and they just upset me to no end.

Also sounds like the op is waaaaay ocd. Who notices exact amount of cheese missing?? Besides, cheese isn't bad for her according to many diets. It's also protein so not worth making a big deal about. Honestly, from being that child I have to beg op to butt out completely and leave it to her daughter to decide if and when to diet. The only way it will work is if it os coming from her anyway.
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