Who can I talk to about iffy situation?

amother

Thu, Oct 02 2014, 1:32 am

**NOTE: I AM SEEKING A REFERRAL ONLY. I know people love to give advice here but I JUST want a recommendation of who would be a good person to advise us personally about this. Someone who is familiar with issues of this nature but has a delicate levelheaded approach.

DH and I have some concerns about the way 4-year-old DD's grandfather interacts with her at times (she is the oldest grandchild so it's not that she's singled out; just that the others are too young to be an issue). We are very sure that there is no abuse involved - first of all they are never alone together, secondly it seems pretty clear that it is just that the adult is just not very socially aware and probably doesn't realize that he may be acting inappropriately. He is generally kind, sweet, and loving in a very normal way. However, the fact that both of us separately came up with this concern is, well, concerning. The adult in question is socially "off," like maybe has Asperger's and was never diagnosed. My perception of the situation is that he just doesn't realize to what extent it is OK to act silly horsing around with the kids. Something about the way he holds and touches her feels wrong to us - again I am 99.99% sure that he is not thinking anything zexual but that he simply doesn't realize what are and aren't appropriate ways to be playful with a little girl and it just ends up coming out wrong while he probably thinks he's just being affectionate.

Since she is so young and we have only been visiting a few times a year (they live in a different city; travelable but a pain) I may have been a bit wary in the past but it didn't actually look worrisome until the last time we were there. I dealt with it by calling DD to come do something with me, basically ending the scene without actually addressing the situation. It's possible that DD, who is very smart and perceptive, may have caught on that my point was for her to settle down.

Anyway we would like some guidance on how to deal with this in the future. DH said he would be OK with trying to talk to his father about it directly, but I'm not entirely sure that would even help if the problem is that he is just clueless and awkward, or if it would just be replaced with some new awkwardness. I don't want to say anything to DD because I don't want her to start thinking something's wrong if otherwise she would not have felt that way (she did not seem to mind at all, she was having a great time with granddad. We were the ones kicking each other under the table) On the other hand being that there doesn't seem to be any danger or harmful intention, I don't think it warrants avoiding visiting altogether. But maybe limiting visits? Like if we were invited for a 3-day yomtov maybe that would just be too much? On the other hand last time was just a 1.5-day visit and this happened. And/or guidance on how to talk to granddad about this.

Who could we talk to who would be qualified and willing to guide us in this?