Babysitter vs playgroup/nursery

amother

Thu, Oct 02 2014, 11:44 pm

I work 3 days a week and including commute time need DD watched from 9-2:15 each day. This is perfect timing for our local playgroup/nursery. It's a bit of a hike to drop off and pick up, which is annoying at rush times like the morning and the second I get home from work, but it does work out neatly schedule-wise.

Currently she is with a babysitter. I started the job this month and she can't start nursery until she turns 2 as per DOH. This happens very soon.

I specifically chose a babysitter I know and trust very well, even though she's more expensive than some other options. Her asking price is fair, it's just that my budget is low, so I wouldn't ask her to negotiate. My intention was that it would be worth it for a month of which most is yomtov, and then we'd move on to the nursery which costs about half as much.

But now I'm just not so sure... my initial thought was that this particular child would love the action and stimulation of "school" because she likes people and always wants to do what her big sister does, including going to school. I thought she'd love it and gain a lot from the experience. But she is loving the babysitter very much as it is, with just one other slightly younger child there (plus one baby) The babysitter's home is clean, neat, and pleasant, and it's a lovely motherly homey environment. The playgroup is not the most orderly kind of place, it's more noisy and messy. I doubt she'll have anything resembling the amount of attention she gets at the sitter. At the babysitter, she takes a nice nap for a couple of hours on a regular routine - she hasn't been the greatest sleeper at home; even though they have rest time in the nursery I don't know if she'll be able to sleep or if it will be long enough. One downside of the babysitter is that I need to prepare food to send every day, which doesn't sound like a big deal but I'm not feeling very efficient overall and every little thing counts lately, whereas in the nursery they provide breakfast, lunch, and snack - however, the quality of the nursery food is probably well below what I would provide at home (more white starches, snacks sugary) and there's no real way to know what she's actually eating (while babysitter would give full report) Another thing is that I'm paying the sitter privately, I guess I could ask her for her SSN but I don't know how exactly it would work, while the nursery I could probably claim as a childcare tax deduction (which would also count as an income deduction for food stamps I believe)

I have a high level of confidence in the parenting abilities of the babysitter we chose, whereas I'm not so sure about the nursery school - though I know dozens of neighborhood kids who've been there and survived, fwiw...

So basically there are all these ups and downs on both sides and I dunno what to do. Help!

Oh yeah and remember a thread about a month ago where amother's mother was heckling her about taking a job and sending kid out (at all)? Well that was me. Now mother is heckling me to stay with babysitter and not send to nursery school. But besides being a negativity nudnik she is also a very wise person who cares a lot about us and I don't want to just do the opposite of what she says, I want to do what's best for my child and family. She has even said that she would pay the difference between day care and babysitter but this is an arrangement I am highly disinterested in, even though the money is a significant factor for me I need my independence more. Anyway, she doesn't stop finding ways to needle me about this. It's eating at me. But mainly what I need help with is figuring out my own opinion, not rejecting hers but having my own independently. Which is hard to do when her voice is constantly ringing in my ears.

amother

Fri, Oct 03 2014, 12:30 am

Babysitter:
Pros:
Loving mom experience, individual attention
Close to home
More individualized control of routine/schedule/menu
Cons:
TWICE as expensive (significant percentage of already low income - approx 10% vs 20%) and possibly not tax deductible
Have to prepare lunch each day - shouldn't sound like a huge deal but I am already overwhelmed dealing with day-to-day task management so yes this does send me over the edge some nights/mornings. Pathetic, I know.

Nursery school:
Pros:
Half the price
My older child seemed to do fine there in the older class (I was not working these hours when she was 2 so she did not need childcare at that age)
DD turning 2 is sociable and active and might have a great time there with the more structured lessons/activities (I'm not sure what goes on at the babysitter - probably just lots of playing with toys, no? I didn't make deep inquiries because I just trust the sitter to do fine, and because my initial thought was this would be very short term) She's been crying to go to school ever since older DD started (though she is happy enough with the sitter too, I guess that's enough outing for her?)
2 meals per day provided and included in cost
Run professionally (I know and trust the director, not familiar with the teacher of the class and there is mainly one teacher, small group)
Other families sending there seem satisfied
Cons:
Noisier/less organized, more kids (not sure exactly how many, last yr DD was in the older class and the younger class seemed to have about 4-5 kids at the beginning and maybe 8 -9 by the end of the year) -might be overwhelming
Unsure if they pay enough individual attention to children
Food provided may be lower nutritional quality (they do always offer balanced, normal meals I recall from DD who went at 3. But you don't know if your kid is going to choose to eat only macaroni. And breakfast is I think always just cereal and milk - rice krispies/cornflakes type. A little lame but at home I basically do the same just trying for higher quality cereals)

OK so I listed the pros and cons, basically similar to what I said in the first place but more organized. Still as indecisive as ever!

amother

Fri, Oct 03 2014, 1:39 am

2gether wrote:

Can you start Nursery school after Yom Tov? Or find one closer to home or to work?

Yes, I'm talking about for after yomtov. She's turning 2 over yomtov and I'm trying to decide what to do with her then.

There is none closer to home, this one is just about 10 minutes' walk away. It gets long when the weather is very cold or hot and you're tired and pushing a heavy kid in stroller. It is in the same direction as older kid's school, though, just a little farther. The sitter way everything is within a couple of blocks while the nursery school is a few long blocks out of that little loop but in the right direction (farther from train and home but not like going in the opposite way from the other school and then having to run back... they both end around the same time)

Closer to work also not an option, no way am I shlepping toddler on my commute. I have to walk to the subway, do stairs, dash between trains at a transfer point, do more stairs coming out, and then walk to work. At rush hour. Not a place for a toddler.

I should add another pro to sitter, timing is probably slightly more flexible. She much prefers that I pick up my DD at the time I do because she gets other kids at that time coming home from the same preschool/nursery and has to go out and pick them up, which would be harder with my DD as she already has 2 full time babies (a smaller/younger toddler and a real infant baby) but if something really extenuating came up it would probably be OK to leave her. On the other hand I also have at least one friend with a kid in the preschool class at the nursery place who I might be able to call in a pinch to take mine home if I couldn't pick up. And you don't miss anything if you come late to the sitter. On the other hand, maybe that's because there's nothing to miss and I don't know if that's a good thing - I think it's nice that in "school" she'd have some davening, crafts, etc.

I could also add another con to nursery, that you probably pick up more germs there. On the other hand we already get all the germs from my kindergarten kid...

amother

Fri, Oct 03 2014, 2:12 am

But the $300 or so extra per month is significant to us, if the playgroup option is acceptable. I'm not sure you'd call the nursery chaotic per se, just noisier and less relaxing because of having more people doing more things.

My mother keeps saying "it's so much time, how could you send her out so young, what she needs is individual attention and a home" etc, but I keep thinking "Is 3 days a week so much time? She gets home all the rest of the time with me..." Ok babysitter is probably a better calmer mother than me anyway but still, home is home... I hope embarrassed

And yeah 5 hours of school is a bit of a long day but there is nap and breakfast and lunch and all that, which (hopefully) happens about the same wherever you are... and then she's home by 2:30, with plenty of day still stretching ahead. I guess I could try it for a month and if she's not napping or adjusting in some other way we could stop and hope the damage will be undoable?

I just dunno. It seemed like such a reasonable idea, other people do this, but my mother is so against it that I don't know if she has a point or if she's just being neurotic again (she often is)

amother

Fri, Oct 03 2014, 7:37 am

I think the nursery is not a bad option, certainly even more so if you have sent a child there before and we're satisfied. It is so hard to know where your kid will do best until they are there sometimes, you just try your best to make the right choice and daven!
I was in a similar situation with my almost 2 yr old. I had to choose between staying in the same smaller babysitting where he was happy and had more flexible hours, smaller group with a caring mommy in her home. I had the option of a more structured, larger group that was much cheaper and provided food, but also much bigger, and had slightly more limited hours. In the end I went with the larger group and I'm so happy I did. I was worried about group size but the morahs are so attentive and focused on each child's needs, and my child loves the structure and the socialization and all the projects they do. My child is really thriving and growing there, and I think he would have been happy but more stagnant with the babysitter.
Not every group is the same, and not every kid is the same, but sometimes the bigger group can be better and there's no reason to feel bad if that is your choice.

amother

Fri, Oct 03 2014, 11:08 am

Thanks for helping with the reassurances...

I emailed a couple of people who had kids there last year and both replied that they were very happy with the morahs and overall experience.

I'm feeling a little better now but would still not mind hearing more in general about sending a just-2 year old to nursery.

I have a more experienced sister who sends her kids to 2-year-old gan but that's because she has a special morah she likes and also none of her kids JUST turned 2 at the beginning of the year, most of them started closer to 2 1/2.

I'm also taking into account this child's personality. For my other child this wouldn't have even been a question but this child has grown up with an older sibling and considers herself a big kid, she is smart and verbal and loves to be part of a crowd. Though, like I said, she seems to consider the babysitting "crowd" a nice social life for herself (there is one kid a few months younger than her and one tiny infant, and they are not all there the same days. They also go to a playroom often where there are probably other kids and nice toys/play equipment)

I do generally do my own thing trying not to take mother's comments to heart but it's much harder when it's something like this where I'm not really sure of myself either, and also because she has SUCH strong feelings on this. She used to babysit my kids until I changed my schedule and it was incompatible with hers, so she takes this somewhat personally and feels they will only lose out by not having that extreme amount of personal attention. I disagreed with her initially because I think the amount of attention the kid gets alone with grandmother is maybe even TOO much, but this other babysitter with 1-2 other kids was working so nicely that it will be sad to leave that arrangement.

amother

Sun, Oct 12 2014, 1:59 pm

Visiting mother for yomtov and the negativity doesn't stop; I may lose my mind Sad

Now I'm feeling all indecisive and guilt-ridden again... choosing money over my child's welfare... people only send there because they don't care to pay a babysitter (well I don't blame them), she will be better off on her own schedule, she won't have a proper nap there, her toilet training will be wasted because they won't spend time taking her to the bathroom, all the kids wear diapers, the other kids will be such babies compared to her, etc etc etc...

She has good points about the naps and toilet training, I have concerns as well. I was actually sending her to the babysitter in diapers anyway but if it were a long term thing I'd be having her do potty time there too. The 2-year-old nursery is basically a diaper zone. And nap time is definitely not going to be what she's used to, certainly not the 2-hour-long nap she's used to.

The other stuff I dunno, I hear the morah is very attentive and warm, and the other kids at least for now will all be older than her because she just turned 2 and you have to be 2, so even if they're not the most sophisticated they're peer material, and at the babysitter there is only one kid a little younger and one infant. So I don't even know how that's an issue in my mother's litany.

SIIIIIGH.

chani8

Sun, Oct 12 2014, 3:10 pm

The way I get over guilt is to look it straight in the eye and accept my imperfections. Worse case scenario, if you make the wrong choice, does that make you a bad person? It would be a bummer if you send to the gan and it turns out to be a disaster, but does that make you a failure of a mom? Is your child going to be scarred for life? She's just 2 yo. You're going to be making many decisions about her life and you won't be perfect. My gosh, you're going to be a basket case if you don't stop listening to your mom. Let her give her advice, let it roll off of you, and do what YOU want to do.

Just occurred to me, what would happen if you send to gan and worse case scenario, it doesn't work out, can you change back to the babysitter?

amother

Sun, Oct 12 2014, 3:44 pm

I would most likely still have the option to go back to sitter, though child would probably be sad, thinking she had arrived to "big-girl-hood." But I think more likely if I started her in nursery I would keep her there because the problem isn't that anything would immediately be wrong, but just that I would have no idea what goes on there all day and less confidence that it is good and nurturing. I spoke to a couple of parents who sent there and they were very happy but of course my mother just says how do you know those parents even know what they're doing. Which is true. Mother is right that there's nothing especially to love about the school place, the only reason I was even going to be OK with it is that it's only 3 days x 5 hours per week. The next year I would send her 5 days x 5 hours as I did for my older child, because it's pretty much the only preschool in town and by the time she's 3 she's going to need the stimulation. That's what I found with my older child; I started her at 3 days the year she was turning 3 but once she got used to the school idea, home wasn't enough for her anymore. She liked it enough - I wasn't thrilled but didn't hate it either. I'm just kind of ambivalent about the place and my main reason for choosing it is cost and convenience. Which, I have to sort of agree with my mother, is a pretty poor way of making childrearing choices.

busymom

Sun, Oct 12 2014, 4:07 pm

You wrote that the class started a previous year with 4-5 kids and ended with 8-9. That is hardly what I would consider a chaotic environment. In fact, this is precisely what I looked for when sending out a child that age. They loved the social interaction and more structured schedule, with a little circle time for some "davening" (a few songs), etc. And if your child is outgoing and asking for this experience, it seems that it would work out really well.

OTOH, if you truly believe the babysitter is a much better place (bc YOU think so, not bc your mother insisted), then why not take your mother up on her offer? If she wants to pay the difference to make her grandchild happy, why not? I do believe that families should be financially independent, but I don't think there's anything wrong with accepting help that was offered for the benefit of your child.

FTR, I agree that you need to become more independent, but I don't think refusing a gift for your child (when YOU believe it's the right thing) will help you get that. Rather, you need to become more decisive and confident and trust yourself when making decisions. You need to be able to say, "Ma, I looked into all options and believe this is best for my child/family." And just end the conversation. THAT will help you become more independent.

amother

Sun, Oct 12 2014, 4:14 pm

1. I just don't KNOW which is right for the child. That's what makes this so hard. When I know what is right I have no problem standing up and ignoring her heckling. For example I was very sure that taking the job and sending out the kid in the first place was the right thing to do and her needling didn't bother me at all. This bothers me because I have my own doubts.

2. No, taking from her definitely breeds an unhealthier level of dependency. She will start thinking she can dictate every aspect of our lives and it will only get harder to resist. Worst case scenario if the nursery school really doesn't work out for some reason we might have to accept just because the cost would be a big issue otherwise, but I'm hoping that doesn't actually happen.