We are MO but our child would benefit from more right school

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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling

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sazn75

Sun, Oct 05 2014, 11:03 am

We are a Modern Orthodox family, living in the Monsey area. I dont cover my hair and we do have a TV, computer in the home. Right now we send our children to a MO 'tzioni' school. We are seriously considering pulling one child out. The reason: for about two years we have had the strong sense that he is not having his full potential met or even lightly tapped in the limudei kodesh department. We feel like he, from all our others, has incredible potential specifically in this area, and could become something great if given the opportunity. We were vacillating for a while, because of our own hashkafas and because we have others in this school. However, things have come to a head now because he is being mercilessly bullied in this school. We have tried it all, from talking to the parents, to talking to the teachers, the administration, etc.... Our once sparkly child is coming home dejected and sad. This is pushing us towards removing him from what is a toxic environment and placing him in a school that can open up what we think is amazing learning potential. We are looking into Darchei Noam because I fell in love with the anti bullying policy and it seems like a very positive environment where boys love to learn. My problem: one look at me and they'll laugh in my face, or I could just wear a teichel to the interview, but I feel like that is being so dishonest. In any event, one chance encounter between me and a teacher in Evergreen, and the jig is up Smile

So I guess, in my long winded post, I am asking for input on several issues: 1) Does anyone know anything about Darchei Noam, 2) is it confusing/impossible for a child of MO parents to be placed in a more yeshivish environment (because as his parents, based on who he is, we feel he would thrive) 3) Will the administration immediately reject us and so dont bother trying.
Thanks in advance for any insights!

MaBelleVie

Sun, Oct 05 2014, 11:11 am

I don't know anything about darchei noam or monsey schools, but I just want to let you know that the RW schools where I live have mothers who don't cover their hair, TV at home, etc and no one gives a hoot. And it's not for lack of MO schools- there are those too.

mummiedearest

Sun, Oct 05 2014, 11:13 am

is there a parallel class you can transfer your child to? would you be able to send him for english only and hire a rebbe to work with your child instead of going to hebrew classes? that might give you more control of the situation. I know nothing of darchei noam, but I wish you lots of luck.

btw, be aware that most kids' learning does not really get serious until high school. I don't know how old this child is, but giving him extra at home may be better than sending him to a school with a lesser english education.

Deep

Sun, Oct 05 2014, 11:21 am

No info, but I wanted to tell you that you are an amazing mother!

nylon

Sun, Oct 05 2014, 11:21 am

Have you looked into the schools in Bergen County? I know some MO families in Monsey send their children there. That poses its own set of challenges, I know.

The issue may not be that an MO school can't provide a better quality limudei kodesh education--it may be that your school is not effective for your child. A more yeshivish school might pose other issues, and box you in when it comes time to choose a high school.

ectomorph

Sun, Oct 05 2014, 11:40 am

You sound like wonderful parents.

Is there any Rabbi who you trust to explain the situation to the school?

Also, can you get him private tutoring?

happybeingamom

Sun, Oct 05 2014, 11:44 am

Contact Rabbi Horowitz and ask him directly.

He has a website http://www.rabbihorowitz.com/

Hatzlacha

amother

Sun, Oct 05 2014, 11:44 am

Why not just cover your hair when you are out or your child has friends over? If it is important to your child, then follow the school rules. I started covering my hair when I moved to Monsey.

Over and over we hear of parents who want the benefit of the school, but for whatever reason don't want to fit in the parent body.

imasinger

Sun, Oct 05 2014, 11:55 am

We are MO (at least DH is; I like to describe myself as JPF, because I lean left on some things and right on others), and I send my kids to more RW schools.

I am happy to tell you more about the pros and cons we have seen if you want to pm me.

Dolly Welsh

Sun, Oct 05 2014, 11:59 am

One, pull the kid. Home school. You sound smart enough to do it, quite smart enough. One does not have to be a genius to home school, just up to speed.

Two, unless you are in love with your middle aged locks and your hairdresser, figure out which synthetic wig will be for you. This is not an issue.

If your skirts are too pencil, de-pencil them a little.

Happiness awaits. But you have to have the guts to make a few changes. You will be prettier and your kid won't be pulverized so you will feel it was worth it in time. In not very much time. You will all feel better pretty quickly.

I really do admire your lucid analysis of the situation and your language sounds wonderfully sympathetic to your brutalized and half-dead child.

Kanekalon! It's not a non-stick frying pan. Google it and you will see. It's even easier than tying a tichel. Tichels are cool too but this will be easier for you.

You get the Insightful Mother of the Week Award.

Maya

Sun, Oct 05 2014, 12:05 pm

Happiness does not abound by de-penciling a skirt and wearing synthetic wigs.

5*Mom

Sun, Oct 05 2014, 12:09 pm

happybeingamom wrote:

Contact Rabbi Horowitz and ask him directly.

He has a website http://www.rabbihorowitz.com/

Hatzlacha

I absolutely second this. If there is any principal who wouldn't send you away on sight, Rabbi Horowitz is it. Be as open and honest with him as you were here. He will be equally honest and respectful to you. It may be a good fit or it may not be. There may be room in his grade or there may not be. If it doesn't work out, Rabbi Horowitz would be a great resource to help you find the school that would fit your son best. Good luck.

Dolly Welsh

Sun, Oct 05 2014, 12:40 pm

Maya wrote:

Happiness does not abound by de-penciling a skirt and wearing synthetic wigs.

It does. When happiness is defined as not having to deal with what OP is dealing with. OP is having a problem. This is not the time to get stuck on little bits of cloth around the legs and one's own tenderly processed middle-aged hair.

Happiness of a grand cosmic kind, we cannot know the architecture of. And only one of her children is having a problem. But OP still sounds unhappy and she is very, very specific about what is between her and happiness.

My own preference here is for home schooling but OP seems to want to send to a school. If OP homeschooled, she could leave her skirts and hair the way they are. I mentioned both because OP may have to work from both angles at once. OP might as well do it all, all at once; one never knows what is going to work, and the situation is urgent.

Having a happier child and prettier hair at the same time is not a bad start for happiness. Of a small, local kind. Great, grand happiness is another matter but that's ok.

Yes, it's hard to do everything at once, and to swat gnats from all directions. But one might as well defend one's self in easy ways. Having knocked out the easy stuff one goes to the harder things.

MaBelleVie

Sun, Oct 05 2014, 12:44 pm

No, you just need to find a rw school that isn't so narrow minded as to reject families that don't fit in a tiny little box.

amother

Sun, Oct 05 2014, 12:46 pm

My son goes to Darchai Noam.

Most of the families there are "yeshivish light" They watch movies, go on vacation, all the fathers work (the tuition is high) and many of the mothers. I would say all of the women cover their hair, but I don't think anyone would blink if you didn't.

For all their "anti-bullying" talk, there is bullying there too. Many families have a lot of money and there is a lot of materialism. Who has the best gadgets, toys, etc.

Also, I am not sure that the Leumudi Kodesh is on such a high level. My son attended another school OOT previously and there was a lot of learning of chumash words and memorizing shorashim, which didn't happen at Darchai Noam.

Maybe you would better off sending your son to New Jersey - lots of people send to YNJ.

Dolly Welsh

Sun, Oct 05 2014, 12:50 pm

Well there.

There are also many excellent home schooling threads here on Imamother.

OP has an unusual kid and he may need some carefully tailored tutoring at home from outside scholars brought in just for that purpose.

Plenty of our ancestors were schooled at home so it's nothing new. The more sensitive and unusual they were, the more likely that was. It's normal.

There are books about the gifted child. There are some children who just don't fit the school system's norms, which teach to the average. They have to. And skipping grades just puts the kid in with kids much more mature than he is, which can also cause difficulties.

morah

Sun, Oct 05 2014, 12:57 pm

MaBelleVie wrote:

No, you just need to find a rw school that isn't so narrow minded as to reject families that don't fit in a tiny little box.

This. I do think you'll be more likely to find such a school in New Jersey than in Monsey.

OOTBubby

Sun, Oct 05 2014, 1:05 pm

Dolly Welsh wrote:

Homeschooling for upper elementary grades BOYS limudei kodesh gets much more complex unless the father is able (and capable) of taking an active role.

Additional question for the OP to consider is whether they are MO by conviction, convenience or other. That may help them see if they are willing to make changes to help find a school.

Dolly Welsh

Sun, Oct 05 2014, 1:22 pm

Yes. But I did say OP will need to bring in tutors. That is going to be absolutely necessary with so gifted a child.

It shouldn't be too hard. These are hard times. If OP economizes on the boy's tuition by pulling him out, she will have plenty of money for highly paid, excellent tutors.

OP will make a small schoolroom, and will have somebody else present in the house. The door to the schoolroom will remain open.

It it's too lonely, another boy or boys may be sitting there in time, too, learning.

monseychick

Sun, Oct 05 2014, 2:27 pm

MaBelleVie wrote:

MBV.... WADR... You live OOT, Midwest I believe.. You know the rules are VERY different here. Why are you misleading OP..

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