Can anyone relate? Vent.

amother

Tue, Oct 07 2014, 10:10 am

This is sort of a vent, I guess. Not sure if it belongs here or by emotional health, so I'm sorry if it's in the wrong place. The background: We are financially strapped. Due to some major medical bills, money is very tight. By that I mean, we have to choose which bills to pay because we cannot pay them all. I love my husband and I love my life so I don't want this to come across as a problem in our relationship because it really isn't. I'm pretty sure this is all me. Rolling Eyes

My husband is very economical. He has very few needs and buys for himself extremely infrequently. This leaves me feeling that I am always doing the spending and I feel terribly guilty just buying the basics. I really don't do extra spending almost ever but I just use so much more stuff than he does. Toiletries, makeup, slips, shells, snoods, shoes, etc. The list goes on forever. I am buying from the cheapest possible places that I can find and I push off buying until it really is necessary. Still, I know that every dollar spent causes my husband (and me!) stress and I feel awful about myself that I can't be like him and just "manage".

He is the kind of guy that would happily have noodles or cereal & milk every night instead of shopping for food every other week. Even the food shopping feels as though it's for me. Now, I know that part's not true it only feels that way because I do the shopping and preparing and he of course eats the food I make.

Is this all in my head? Am I feeling too guilty? I know that I take too much blame on myself sometimes. What am I supposed to do? I just want to get to a place where we can manage and shopping for basics doesn't lead to a slew of aggravation.

Thanks for listening. I'm mostly looking for chizzuk and answers to these specific questions. Financially speaking, we are doing everything we can right now. I hope one day we will bounce back (eventually) so I am hoping this situation is temporary. I just needed to get this off my chest in the meantime. Sorry it's so long.

Chayalle

Tue, Oct 07 2014, 10:25 am

Don't know if this helps at all but....I sometimes feel, in general, that we girls in my household (I have 3 DD's B"AH but no boys yet) monopolize the spending.

Even living a simple lifestyle, my needs are bigger than DH's. He has some pants, shirts, jackets, ties....it's more like once in a while he needs a new suit, or a new pair of shoes. My maintenance is much more frequent and so are my DD's. We tend to need more variety, more "stuff". Plus for women, the styles change more frequently, and maybe for that reason our clothes are cheaper and don't last as long. I buy a pair of shoes and the heel can be worn out within a season; DH's shoes last much longer and when he gets a new pair, it's often pretty much the same shoe anyway.

So if you are doing your best, it's not helpful to wallow in guilt. This is the way of the world Hashem created.

finallyamommy

Tue, Oct 07 2014, 12:02 pm

I don't know if you want advice on how to cut back, but just from what you've written I can give you a little bit.

You don't need to buy new snoods, just buy a spool of elastic thread and re-string the ones you've got (ETA and if you are in Yerushalayim PM me and you can bring them over and I'll do it and/or show you how), and wash them by hand or in a delicate cycle. I think I own 4 snoods and I don't plan to buy any more for a good few years.

Noodles can be dressed up. Okay, I'm such a picky eater and I should take my own advice on this, but... pasta sauce, or tuna, or even just olive oil with various spices--it's not great to do every day, but it's a good go-to simple meal. And where I am, lentils and rice are significantly cheaper than cereal and milk.

Can you water down some of your toiletries--shampoo and body soap and hand soap and such?

Good luck!

Last edited by finallyamommy on Tue, Oct 07 2014, 12:21 pm; edited 1 time in total

sneakermom

Tue, Oct 07 2014, 12:16 pm

My husband is like yours. Not only that when he does need a suit, tie or shoes he knows how to get the best deal.

And did I mention he bought one new Shabbos hat since we are married? Over a decade to put it nicely.

Women have different needs. We need to dress and groom. And frankly I can't survive on cereal and milk or farina for supper either.

Be grateful he's the thrifty type. It balances things out.

May Hashem grant you more Parnassah to satisfy your needs b'revach.