Freaking out- my six year old's confession

amother

Sun, Oct 12 2014, 5:28 pm

My daughter had a very rough year in school two years ago. (Kindergarten) In particular, there was one girl who would constantly bully her, verbally make fun of her, ruin her projects, destroy her lunch, etc. Unfortunately, her daycare was not equipped to handle such a child, and I was working full time and had no other day care options. The year was a nightmare, and even before today's confession, I've been traumatized. She started having phobias, in particular of going to the bathroom. She developed encopresis, and had two utis that year. The pediatrician (whom we visited very often that year) felt it was all anxiety based, and the utis were from her trying to hold in going to the bathroom. I knew the bully came from a problematic home. After that year she slowly got over the experiences of the year, loved pre 1a, and aside from her recurrent bathroom phobia seems to be doing amazing well socially academically, etc. Today, after my daughter came out of the bathroom she casually mentioned that "Sarala" used to come with her to the bathroom to wipe her. She says this girl would wipe her very hard with tons of tissues till the whole toilet was full. During that year I and the pediatrician asked her if anyone ever came with her to the bathroom touched her etc and she always denied it. Omg I'm shaking and crying now. What d I I do?

imasinger

Sun, Oct 12 2014, 5:39 pm

So, this happened over a year ago?

I'd suggest you see if you can find a good child psychologist to help you assess what your DD might need.

And another matter. For a kindergartener to do such a thing would make me very concerned that the bully was being abused. Is the family still living in the community? A therapist could advise you as to the next steps you should take.

Hugs. Your DD has probably already bounced back from the trauma. You will need to tread carefully so as not to make matters worse. Get help, but don't worry too much about the past if she seems okay.

debsey

Sun, Oct 12 2014, 5:39 pm

1) Breathe. Sit down. You can't help your daughter if you yourself are not calm. DO whatever you need to do to get yourself into a calm state of mind - eat chocolate, go for a quick run, take a shower - whatever.
2) LISTEN non-nonjudgmentally to your daughter. Just let her tell the whole story, in her own words. Ask minimal questions. You may want to video and/or audiotape her, if you are not sure you are going to be able to accurately report on what she tells you.
3) Call Relief. Get a referral to a therapist who specializes in inappropriate touch. This may or may not be sexualized bullying or the child acting out something that happened to her. No matter what it turns out to be, your daughter was affected (hence the encopresis) and needs help.
4) Do NOT go on a calling rampage, warning every mother in the class about this girl. Call the administration, calmly inform them, and ask them to update you with their plan to help your daughter, this little girl, and to keep the classroom safe. Make sure they commit to a time limit for their plan to handle the situation, don't accept vague assurances.
5) As soon as you find a therapist, work closely with her and FOLLOW HER ADVICE.
hatzlacha........sounds like your dd is lucky to have a mother she trusts and can talk to.

ROFL

Sun, Oct 12 2014, 5:42 pm

Hugs. First compose yourself. She is young and resilient. Where do you live. We will help you find a therapist to see your daughter ( and you too) !
Speak to your pediatrician in the morning to see what advice they have.
I am presuming this girl is also a toddler? You have to speak to the school to see how they can get help for her so that this will not happen to another child.
Thank goodness you are a concerned and dating mother. Your dd and you will survive this. Hugs to you again.

Dolly Welsh

Sun, Oct 12 2014, 5:53 pm

The kid's healing, that's why she can talk about it now. Get all the help you need.

"Unfortunately, her daycare was not equipped to handle such a child, and I was working full time and had no other day care options. "

There need to be some community alternatives to an intolerable babysitting or daycare situation such as that one.

There should never be only one thing a parent can do for daycare.

amother

Sun, Oct 12 2014, 6:02 pm

Thanks for your advice. I already left a message for my pediatrician. I want to add this girl and my daughter are no longer in this preschool and are now in different elementary schools. Yes I have no doubt this poor bully is being abused. That's another thing scaring me, she is still on the loose and may not yet have gotten help... This explains so much. I am having such a guilt attack. My daughter used to cry every morning that she doesn't want to go to school, and I forced her into the lions den. Omg!!! My poor baby!!

Dolly Welsh

Sun, Oct 12 2014, 6:04 pm

I have no idea how you did a day's work, knowing what you knew. You give very full details about what was going on, over the course of a long time, as it went on.

Please examine your ideas about what upsets you, and how, and from what point of view. You are too calm, in my opinion.

The kid might have been better off with a kindly old local retired eccentric, with the TV on all day, and a sofa full of stale potato chip crumbs. She would not have been less physically safe with such a person. It might have been cheaper too.

We need a granny brigade. Some savtinas who watch kids for people.

amother

Sun, Oct 12 2014, 6:11 pm

Dolly Welsh wrote:

Oh thanks, is this supposed to help? I may not have made the best decision, however, my pediatrician was involved and encouraged me to be consistent and make her go to school. I've been feeling horrible enough. I was very proactive in the situation, they changed my daughters seat away from this girl etc. I was in a very tight financial situation at that time and knew (or so I thought) this daycare had ample staff to prevent such a situation from happening. Everyone who knows me knows how I advocated for my daughter that year. I just never dreamed it was this bad.

nyer1

Sun, Oct 12 2014, 6:12 pm

Dolly Welsh wrote:

could you please highlight where this post was HELPFUL?

OP, I'm sorry for your situation. I wish I had some practical advice. the only thing I can say is stay calm, speak to the pediatrician, speak to your therapist and maybe speak to the previous school about what happened.

marina

Sun, Oct 12 2014, 6:46 pm

Dolly Welsh wrote:

Lol Dolly. Because 1) bullies only act up in daycare; and 2) old eccentric people never ever harm children.

Dolly Welsh

Sun, Oct 12 2014, 7:12 pm

What happened here was because of just one violent child, and is unusual. Just getting the kid away from this one child, even into the apartment of a kindly old eccentric, could have been an improvement.

If you had your kid in private care and all wasn't well, you could immediately put your kid in another private care.

I am not saying such an old lady would have been great daycare. Perhaps boring for a smart child. Maybe lonely too.

Sometimes a mother who is under life pressure and job pressure, who is herself a professional, and understands and expects professional settings rather then sketchy private ones, may have too much faith in what is normal-sounding and above-board, such as a genuine daycare place like this one.

This was a chronically ill child with UTIs and other behavioral stuff OP describes in detail. There is no way that the ped didn't see the redness at the backside and vaginal area when she treated the kid for UTI.

If she didn't look, just gave antibiotics, you need a new ped. But she certainly looked, more than probably. The situation was not understood in detail but it was understood in its main lines.

I am just saying we should think outside the box, sometimes, and stuff.

That's all.

I am not trying to pillory anybody.

Dolly Welsh

Sun, Oct 12 2014, 7:23 pm

My theoretical old lady isn't all that old, say fifty or so, isn't all that eccentric. She may, however, have the TV on to the Jewish channel, chirp brightly but without much education, and eat potato chips. Her vacuuming skills may be thin on the ground.

An environment like that, well child-proofed, no animals or older children, bars on windows, good supervision concerning bathroom and kitchen, with some toys and a play-pen, might not be so bad as a stop-gap or if one is having a bad time at a more professional daycare setting.

That's all I am saying, and we need some community help for women like OP. OP needed an alternative and one should have been available for her.

I am on OP's side. I know some women have to work to pay the bills. Older people should step up and help out.

amother

Sun, Oct 12 2014, 7:26 pm

Dolly Welsh wrote:

This has nothing to do with anything.

Scrabble123

Sun, Oct 12 2014, 7:28 pm

OP I would suggest having your daughter evaluated by a child psychologist. She/he will be able to see what help your daughter may/may not need. Also, I don't want to come out and be the "bad guy," but is it possible that your daughter said this/dreamed it up because of you questioning her about it? Don't ask her anything about the issue unless she brings it up until you have her evaluated because you want an honest evaluation and assessment of the situation in order to best address the issue and help your daughter. On another note, it's quite possible she brought it up now that she is no longer in contact with the bully because she finally felt safe. Please don't doubt or blame yourself as a parent... You worked together with her pediatrician and did what you felt was appropriate. You're also doing that now. Hatzlacha

amother

Sun, Oct 12 2014, 7:30 pm

So the pediatrician called me back. He is going to research an appropriate therapist for us to help my daughter. I am still so shaken up and intend to call the day care director tomorrow. The pediatrician warned me that no good therapist will accept my insurance. I will record my conversation with the director and hope she will pay for the therapy. I'm jumping the gun I know bit just want to help my little girl get better. This is crazy! A four year old girl molestor?!? I feel sooo bad...

amother

Sun, Oct 12 2014, 7:33 pm

Scrabble123 wrote:

This happened over a year ago and we haven't spoken about it recently. The pediatrician feels she mentioned it now, after a week of vacation and a year of not seeing this child she is beginning to subconsciously heal. I do not think she would make this up, and it makes so so much sense. She's regressed so much that year and I never felt like she got over it. Omg!!

Dolly Welsh

Sun, Oct 12 2014, 7:45 pm

Careful, in some localities it is illegal to record somebody without their knowledge.

Maybe your ped, that very same ped, is WRONG about the insurance issue. Let us hope so. Maybe a stretched-out payment schedule could be acceptable to the therapist. These are hard times; people need the work.

You have already done most of the work anyway: the kid is liking school and all.

But of course you want to talk to a professional about how to do even better, and how to support the kid.

The kid sounds like a sturdy, cheerful, intelligent type.

debsey

Sun, Oct 12 2014, 8:08 pm

amother wrote:

She is ready for therapy - her brain is ready to process and make sense of what was an overwhelming experience at the time.
Just listen to her....take her to a therapist who is specifically trained in this area - not just s*xual trauma, but also body image development, bullying, and elimination disorders - a child psychologist, not just some person who decided that they're a life coach or whatever - get someone with an advanced doctoral degree who has a lot of training in this area
Your daughter WILL get over this, but she also WILL need therapy, and you will need to work with her therapist as well.