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Carpool - was I wrong?
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rzab




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 21 2014, 7:22 pm
My kids' school offers after school programs. another mother asked me what day of the week my kids are staying because she'll sign her son up the same way and this way I can drive her son home. She didn't ask- she told me this. At the time, I didn't know which day yet and told her so.
Today she asked me again, so I told her. This time she asked me if I could drive her son home, I simply asked "Every week?" I think she got the hint that I didn't love the idea.
now I feel a little guilty because she is at work then and it will mean once a week her babysitter will have to walk out twice to pick up her kids, but it is annoying to be committed to picking up her son every week, and I really resented being told that that was her plan, but should I just get over and help her out?
what would you do?
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Emotional




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 21 2014, 7:30 pm
As a person without a driver's license, I am often in the position of being dependent on other people for favors such as this. It's so frustrating when people stand on principle ("I will not be taken advantage of!!") when it would be no big deal for someone who is going anyway.
That being said, she should have asked you if you're okay with this instead of just informing you, and she should try to reciprocate some other way if she can.
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rzab




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 21 2014, 7:36 pm
I hear your perspective- which is why I normally don't stand on principle, but a few things- that she has imposed on me without really asking.
also, if this was a situation that had NO options, I would swallow my pride and do it in a second, but I know that she has other options- so why is this being demanded of me?
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Emotional




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 21 2014, 7:39 pm
rzab wrote:
I hear your perspective- which is why I normally don't stand on principle, but a few things- that she has imposed on me without really asking.
also, if this was a situation that had NO options, I would swallow my pride and do it in a second, but I know that she has other options- so why is this being demanded of me?

That's a good point.
Are there any favors you can count on her for? That would make the deal worthwhile for you?
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amother


 

Post Tue, Oct 21 2014, 7:39 pm
Emotional I had a neighbor who did that basically made it sound as if she is doing me a favor by me taking her son very day.

It is annoying because what if one day you want to go shopping or you don't always go straight home. Even if every day you do go straight home it's a pressure on your head that you have to accommodate someone else's kid.

For me also it was annoying because that extra kid had to go to the back of the van because I had my other kids in the car so yes that took extra time to let down the Mack seat every time and he didn't always want to go to the back do I would have to force my child to go also.

Another thing was waiting for the child to walk up the steps to his house and waiting for the mom to answer the door. Yes all this might be only an extra fifteen minutes but when you are busy and you are jiggling a nursing baby and other kids schedules its hard especially when you are not asked and just told.
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rachelbg




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 21 2014, 7:39 pm
I think if I knew that I'd feel resentful of the situation each week and come off as bitter toward her or her son, I should just refuse the request, and perhaps help guide her to another mom who could help her.
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rdmom




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 21 2014, 7:41 pm
I totally understand you. She wasnt right in just assuming that you would do it for her without hesitating. I would nicely say that I cannot commit to doing it every week. I like to do my shopping in the evening after I pick my kids up. To take an extra kid along with me that isn't mine would not be easy.

Don't feel bad. You are not obligated. She should have asked normally.
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cookiejar




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 21 2014, 7:46 pm
yes, she should have asked nicely, and yes, you should do the favor, but just add the disclaimer that you don't want to promise that you will be coming straight home every week, so if you ever are not able to drive, you will let her know. do the mitzvah - it's never the wrong way to go.
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Emotional




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 21 2014, 7:47 pm
amother wrote:
Emotional I had a neighbor who did that basically made it sound as if she is doing me a favor by me taking her son very day.

It is annoying because what if one day you want to go shopping or you don't always go straight home. Even if every day you do go straight home it's a pressure on your head that you have to accommodate someone else's kid.

For me also it was annoying because that extra kid had to go to the back of the van because I had my other kids in the car so yes that took extra time to let down the Mack seat every time and he didn't always want to go to the back do I would have to force my child to go also.

Another thing was waiting for the child to walk up the steps to his house and waiting for the mom to answer the door. Yes all this might be only an extra fifteen minutes but when you are busy and you are jiggling a nursing baby and other kids schedules its hard especially when you are not asked and just told.

It's one thing to ask you for a favor, it's another thing to expect that favor to become your daily duty. And that really was called taking advantage of you.
There's a nice.lady who drives my son to and from school. Our sons are in the same class. She does it out of the goodness of her heart. I offered to pay her for this but she refused. We have an understanding that I have to be ready on time. And if it.s inconvenient one day for her to drive my kid, she just lets me know and it's my problem, no hard feelings
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amother


 

Post Tue, Oct 21 2014, 8:13 pm
I had a neighbor ask me if I can take her son with my son and I said sure no problem ill call you before I leave but know that I am not on a schedule and ill call before I leave my house but to me as a non working mom I don't drop my kid off every day at 9 it could be some days 9:30 and even 10. That's my decision.

She worked out of her house so I guess she wanted her son out as early as possible so she started dropping her son off in the morning if I didn't leave by 9:15.

But I was doing her a favor and no I don't want to babysit your child in the morning.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Oct 21 2014, 8:30 pm
Emotional wrote:
As a person without a driver's license, I am often in the position of being dependent on other people for favors such as this. It's so frustrating when people stand on principle ("I will not be taken advantage of!!") when it would be no big deal for someone who is going anyway.
That being said, she should have asked you if you're okay with this instead of just informing you, and she should try to reciprocate some other way if she can.


I also don't have a license (not on principle, but for a number of personal reasons), but the only person that I depend on to do things for me is my husband. I will walk, take a cab, or just wait for a convenient time for my husband to take me. Barring an emergency C"V or unexpected circumstance, I do not rely on people. If she has a babysitter who she is paying who will simply be inconvenienced to having to pick up kids twice, then you are under no obligation to commit to her. If you want to be nice and say I can do it most weeks, that is one thing, but for her to expect you to do it when she has another viable, though inconvenient, option is a different story.

Today I walked a half hour in the pouring rain without a rain coat because I did not have cash for a cab and my husband was unable to take me home from my train at the time. A dear friend whom I vented to later on was like "why didn't you call me? I may have been able to pick you up!" I don't like making people go out of their way if it is not an urgent or dangerous situation. I once did have an important appointment which could not be rescheduled in a place that was very hard to access via public transportation, especially being an icy winter with a baby in tow. My husband had to run out of town for a close relative's Levaya and I needed to get to this appointment. This is the one time I can remember asking for Chessed. But that was an unexpected situation that was urgent and I literally did not have another viable option.

Anon cuz many people know my story!
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amother


 

Post Tue, Oct 21 2014, 8:43 pm
I did carpool as a favor and it was a nightmare. The kids were never ready on time. One kid rubbed my kid the wrong way and they carped. The mom never thanked me. She is a physician and could easily have sent something once or even called me. I had to get car seats for her 2 little ones. She didn't even provide them. I was told not to worry about it.
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rosenbal




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 21 2014, 8:44 pm
I also wouldn't appreciate the way she assumed but I would also do as some other posters suggested. Tell her that I would probably be able to do it most weeks but if I had some other plans or it just wasn't convenient for some reason, then I'd let her know earlier that day or the night before if possible so she could make other plans. I hope she lives close!
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ElTam




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 21 2014, 9:45 pm
No, you are not wrong. I have a strict no carpooling rule now. Too many bad experiences.
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Emotional




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 22 2014, 4:20 am
amother wrote:
I also don't have a license (not on principle, but for a number of personal reasons), but the only person that I depend on to do things for me is my husband. I will walk, take a cab, or just wait for a convenient time for my husband to take me. Barring an emergency C"V or unexpected circumstance, I do not rely on people. If she has a babysitter who she is paying who will simply be inconvenienced to having to pick up kids twice, then you are under no obligation to commit to her. If you want to be nice and say I can do it most weeks, that is one thing, but for her to expect you to do it when she has another viable, though inconvenient, option is a different story.

Today I walked a half hour in the pouring rain without a rain coat because I did not have cash for a cab and my husband was unable to take me home from my train at the time. A dear friend whom I vented to later on was like "why didn't you call me? I may have been able to pick you up!" I don't like making people go out of their way if it is not an urgent or dangerous situation. I once did have an important appointment which could not be rescheduled in a place that was very hard to access via public transportation, especially being an icy winter with a baby in tow. My husband had to run out of town for a close relative's Levaya and I needed to get to this appointment. This is the one time I can remember asking for Chessed. But that was an unexpected situation that was urgent and I literally did not have another viable option.

Anon cuz many people know my story!

I would never ask someone for.a favor like that. I only ask if someone is going anyway. And even then I hesitate and wait to see if someone will offer first. Yes I walk all the time in the pouring rain. No public transportation here.
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saw50st8




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 22 2014, 6:08 am
ElTam wrote:
No, you are not wrong. I have a strict no carpooling rule now. Too many bad experiences.


A neighbor of mine had a strict no carpooling rule also. Mid year, my work hours changed and I had no viable option for getting her home. She agreed to try it out (it meant getting my 2 kids from school with hers and then dropping them off at after care by letting them out of the car and then watching them walk in). It worked out really well and she was amazing to take it on. We took her daughter in the morning (she didn't really need it because her daughter could take the bus but saved her time and effort).

She says I'm one of the only person she would carpool with!

OP, if she has another method, it's not bad to say no. If it is cold and rainy and you want to offer a few times, that would be nice but not necessary.
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 22 2014, 6:46 am
I would add that if she has a babysitter, she doesn't need her kids to be in an after school program. if she wants them to have an extracurricular activity, she has to provide transportation back. she shouldn't expect anything.
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Barbara




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 22 2014, 7:04 am
Emotional wrote:
As a person without a driver's license, I am often in the position of being dependent on other people for favors such as this. It's so frustrating when people stand on principle ("I will not be taken advantage of!!") when it would be no big deal for someone who is going anyway.
That being said, she should have asked you if you're okay with this instead of just informing you, and she should try to reciprocate some other way if she can.


Why do you assume that its no big deal?

It means that if she wants to drop by the supermarket on the way home, or to buy her kid a pair of shoes, she's got to take the kid home first.

It means that if her kid doesn't feel like going one week, he has to go, or she has to explain to someone else why he's not going.

It means that her kid can't accept a play date after school.

It makes her responsible for another child.

And yes, all of those things may make it a big deal for her.

What's "frustrating" is all those people who think that their neighbors and friends are obligated to regularly help them out because "its not a big deal." If its not a big deal, do it yourself.
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Emotional




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 22 2014, 7:32 am
Barbara wrote:
Why do you assume that its no big deal?

It means that if she wants to drop by the supermarket on the way home, or to buy her kid a pair of shoes, she's got to take the kid home first.

It means that if her kid doesn't feel like going one week, he has to go, or she has to explain to someone else why he's not going.

It means that her kid can't accept a play date after school.

It makes her responsible for another child.

And yes, all of those things may make it a big deal for her.

What's "frustrating" is all those people who think that their neighbors and friends are obligated to regularly help them out because "its not a big deal." If its not a big deal, do it yourself.

I love how some people like to read every other sentence if what I write.
Did I not write that I don't drive? So for me it is a.much bigger deal.
Did I not write that I never expect the other person to owe it to me?
Did I not write that if the person driving my kid is inconvenuenced by driving my kid, she should let me know and I will have no hard feelings?
Did I not write that when someone does me this kind of favor on an ongoing basis, I offer to pay them?
Saying "if it's not a big deal, do it yourself" when I clearly can't, that's not nice.
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 22 2014, 7:39 am
I think tell her that you often do errands after picking up your kid (even if you don't) and don't want commit to every week. But if is bad weather or other exceptional circumstances you are happy to do it if you are able, she just needs to ask.
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