All My Efforts at Making Her Feel Beautiful....:-(

Tova

Wed, Oct 22 2014, 6:26 pm

Regarding my 5 soon to be 6 year old (next month) amazing daughter:

Every now and then I do incentive charts with my kids, to instill good behavior/middos, or stop bad behavior/middah (always for a very specific thing, never just for general behavior). We are starting one tomorrow with my daughter and my kids like making their own charts, making the boxes and numbering them, adding graphics, etc. It's really quite cute. So my daughter shows me the chart she made and explains it. There is a "pretty girl" with a big smile and fancy clothes and jewelry, she's the girl not doing X. Then there is the "ugly girl" with an X over it with scribbled clothes, she's the one doing X. All that is great except, "pretty girl" has nice long straight hair and "ugly girl" has curly hair. My heart kind of sunk...

My daughter has wavy/curly hair. I actually think itl's beatiful. It's not really frizzy (sometimes depending on weather she does get some frizzy flyaways but in general it's really nice and managable). It's medium brown with blond highlights. She wears it just past shoulder length and either pulls it back with a headband or wears in a cute high pony. Some days it is not even so much curly as wavy, and honestly when she's older I think she could blow dry it straight without a ton of effort. But I'm so upset that she depicted the curly girl in her picture as the ugly one, I told her "I love your whole chart except that you made the girl with the uchy clothes have curly hair but curly hair is beaitufl and she said "No it's not."

I tell her ALL THE TIME that she is beautiful, that we love her so much. My kids actually get annoyed with me with how much I tell them we love them but specifically for my daughter I add in how beautiful she is, inside and out. What more can I do?

Tova

Wed, Oct 22 2014, 6:59 pm

MaBelleVie wrote:

Don't worry Smile

kids at that age tend to form those kinds of opinions for all sorts of reasons. I really don't think it's a reflection of her self esteem or even an indication of how she'll feel about her hair in six months.

I do appreciate that :-) but I think I'm projecting. I have (had? It's changed after over a decade of covering) curly hair that I wore short at her age and that was NOT so easy to manage. I could only blowdry it straight by myself so-so and would have to have it professionally done if I really wanted it straight. Which is why I had a whole megillah about how hers is easy to manage, could be straightened pretty easily, because I would have LOVED to have her hair. I just don't want her to feel ugly...I don't want her to just accept herself but to actually feel good about herself.

LittleDucky

Wed, Oct 22 2014, 7:22 pm

Maybe you would want to ask her "you said girl x was pretty and girl y not as much- what makes girl X beautiful? What makes girl Y not as pretty?" (Don't say ugly. Also don't tell her she's wrong- ask her why she has that thought process. )
Maybe something is going on at school. The girl with the straight hair in class has lots of friends, is liked more by the morah? Maybe she gets better snacks, happens to be picked first for things... Etc ???
Sometimes kids say "pretty" when they mean "better". Pretty is just what they can see and externalize as the reason something happened. She could be feeling jealous of someone in school, a sibling etc. but kids that age can't express themselves or describe their feelings using emotions etc.

Just my thoughts...

Hashem_Yaazor

Wed, Oct 22 2014, 7:26 pm

Her hair is adorable. I wouldn't read too much into this one picture, but just watch her over time if she starts making comments about wishing she had straight hair or hating her hair. I think most kids find something they think is less than ideal in themselves and it is possible she will pick her hair but it's not an indication you're not doing something you're supposed to be...you're doing what you can, but she's going to grapple with whatever issues she will at whatever point and have your support to come through them stronger....but don't worry too much about the chart thing, she might have really been trying to do the opposite of the pretty girl and not really thinking her hair is "ichy" -- I actually think she needs the curly hair to be who she is, it's such a part of her loveable personality Smile

zaq

Wed, Oct 22 2014, 7:33 pm

Tova wrote:

Some days it is not even so much curly as wavy, and honestly when she's older I think she could blow dry it straight without a ton of effort.

Your ambivalence is showing, and I'll bet your dd has picked up on that. If you truly believed that curly hair is just beautiful, you would have said something like "she has gorgeous curly hair (think "Shirley Temple"), and when she's older she'll be able to easily style it so many different ways." You would NOT have said "sometimes it's not even so much curly as wavy" which a curly-headed person would interpret as "so it's not REEEAAALLLY curly at all, so that's ok", and top it off with "she'll be able to blow dry it straight without a ton of effort" which is code for "so she'll be able to 'pass' as a straight-haired girl."

Still don't see the problem? Suppose I described my dd as "she's adorably plump and it kills me that she thinks it's ugly. She's not even so fat, in some outfits she looks not so much fat as pleasantly cushiony, and honestly when she's older I think she could wear styles that make her look thin."

How can you expect your dd to believe that her curly hair is beautiful when every other word out of your mouth either minimizes its curliness or talks about straightening it? Your dd is young, not stupid.

amother

Wed, Oct 22 2014, 7:53 pm

Here's my take.

Your daughter expressed something. She created an idea. A piece of herself is invested in it. And reflected in the picture.

If your trying to build self esteem you validate that. For example, "oh, I see you decided to draw a good girl. She has a pink skirt and straight yellow hair. And you can tell she's good because you made a check on her. You also made a bad girl and she has a blue headband and curly hair. "

Then when she puts down the curly hair that's your chance to validate her feeling and help her process it.

"It looks like the girl really doesn't like her curls".

And she made say, "yeh, I wish it was straight orange like Ahuva in my class".

And you can reflect on that..,

This way her picture was understood and used as a way to validate and express her feelings.

Most probably your child will feel lighter and maybe a bit more accepting of herself.

Tova

Wed, Oct 22 2014, 8:59 pm

I love all the replies, now I gotta comment.

runninglate wrote:

I was actually also wondering if youre projecting your ideas onto her, when I read that you wrote the pretty girl had "nice long straight hair". I don't actually think it sounds so serious, and I'm sure she'll be fine. Maybe if your shaitel is usually straight, you can have it blown wavy? It's stylish anyway. :-)

She described the picture to me, I don't remember if she verbalized the differences in the hair when describing the pretty girl and ugly girl. Yes, my sheital is usually straight because it's easier to maintain (when I have waves put in the set comes out after X number of washes and I only bring it to get done before Yamim Tovim, in the interim I wash myself and set in velcro rollers. You are right though that I'm projecting.

Tova

Wed, Oct 22 2014, 9:01 pm

LittleDucky wrote:

Nothing going on at school or home B"H but it would be interesting to have a general discussion with her about what makes a person pretty (obviously bringing out the lesson that good middos, a pleasant personality - the issue we are working on with her is something related to that :-) - a smile, etc. are what really makes people want to be with you.

Tova

Wed, Oct 22 2014, 9:02 pm

zaq wrote:

Much as I hate to admit it, you are absolutely right. You're so perceptive. I've gotta think about this.

Tova

Wed, Oct 22 2014, 9:03 pm

amother wrote:

Good post. And thanks HY and OOT Bubby too.

hinenimuchan

Thu, Oct 23 2014, 1:31 am

Maybe the "ugly" girl was based upon someone else who she thought looked like a mess and whose behavior did not appeal to her? Or on her own hair at a time when it was unruly because she was being wild or careless? If so, maybe the drawing was not a reflection of an enduring self-esteem problem at all!

To find out more -- and further both good self-esteem and good middot -- I would first ask her what she thought the "ugly" girl should do to look better. Lead her to grasp that cleanliness, neatness, accessories that highlight the best or most unique features, and friendly attitude are the things that make a person most physically appealing! You could even introduce and compare pictures of curly/wavy "dos" (on anonymous people). I have heard that the French have a saying that there is no such thing as an ugly woman, only a lazy one.

If she still insists that she does not like curly hair, validate her taste but emphasize that some people actually prefer curly hair. My husband does, and claims he always did; which is very reassuring for me because I grew up believing that my very frizzy hair would always and absolutely prevent me from being even remotely attractive, was told as a preschooler that I could not play with the neighbors because my hair was curly, was told by my best friend in high school that she honestly did not know how she could handle it if she had my hair, and did not know anything about straightening/frizz control products, good blowdryers, straightening irons or that I would someday be frum and cover my hair. My husband likes curls so much that when my teenage girls straighten their hair (and I think it comes out gorgeously silky smooth) he tells them that they should not straighten their hair because they look so much better naturally. The only sheitels he can bear are ones with significant waves or curls (though I would never wear a truly curly wig due to my own prejudice). I also remember a little boy in my daughter's kindergarten class who was drawn to my daughter because she had "golden curls."

Finally (probably best saved for a different day), discuss with her that a person can have great middot or be a great friend even if they have one or more physical features that someone happens to find distasteful. This is important whether she feels that others judge her unfavorably, whether she judges herself unfavorably or whether she is judging others unfavorably...and these very often coincide. She is at the age at which girls start to be able to grapple with this, and for many of us it is a very long process! This realization actually will impact her self-esteem and the quality of her friendships much more than whether she or anyone else likes her hair. In fact, overemphasizing how you like her hair at this age, when she is beginning to think more critically, may actually give her the impression that how hair looks is extremely important. If you do not feel she "gets" it, discuss it with a teacher or administrator at school. They often have excellent methods of dealing with this, as it is such a common and critical issue.

imaima

Thu, Oct 23 2014, 2:46 am

I agree you are projecting. If you think curly hair is beautiful, why do you write how easy it will be to blow dry it?? Put mousse in her hair to define curls/waves - she's going to look so beautiful!!
I had a classmate and up until grade 10 she had hair that looked haywire - sticking out and weird. WHen we asked her what wrong with it, she said, it is actually curly but she tries to straighten it as much as she can. Well, BH by 10th grade she started to embrace her hair instead of fighting it and was coming to school with a head of pretty neat curls which looked so much better than the haywire mess!!

Rutabaga

Thu, Oct 23 2014, 8:02 am

Sounds like my daughter.

I have wavyish/curlyish hair as well. It was a frizzy mess when I was growing up because my mother didn't know what to do with it. I started blowing it straightish as soon as I was old enough to do so, but it only really worked when done professionally. Then in high school I went to a high end salon and they gave me a great cut and taught me how to use product and suddenly I had a head of gorgeous curls!

Fast forward to my daughter. She has my hair, but at least I know what to do with it. She looks beautiful with curls, and she can even wear her hair down (with a headband), which I was never able to do. And all she does is complain that she wants straight hair. I keep her hair shoulder length because otherwise it gets out of control. The girls in her class with straight hair have much longer hair. And when they wear their hair in ponytails they can bop their heads in such a way that the pony dances around. My daughter would like to be able to do that too.

I bet if you ask your daughter what she finds pretty about the straight-haired girl she drew you'll get a similarly simple answer. Don't worry so much about her self-image at this age. And you can tell her what I tell my daughter - that when she's older she can have the best of both worlds. She can easily go back and forth between straight and curly hair and look beautiful either way.