Feeling bad that ive been nervous on my kids

amother

Tue, Oct 28 2014, 9:31 pm

Today was one of those days that everything went wrong before my kids came home from school, and by the time they came home I was a ball of NERVES.... Now im forever feeling bad after Ive done the wrong thing... which im doing pretty much, im raising my voice VERY VERY much at my kids.... I dont have any control over that... Or at least I think I dont. Today things went a little further though... I tried teaching my 8 year old and 6 year old to swallow a capsule. Now for my 6 year old it was a new thing... and of course it didnt work on quiet a few tries.. I shouldve and probably did know that it wont work so fast since its a bit irrational for such a young age but I nonetheless wanted to try cuz my 8 year old was able to at his age with enough practice. So when my 8 year old came home I told her that shes gonna be the big one and show my younger child how she can do it without a problem. Thing is she hasnt done it in a while and forgot how to do it herself and tried and tried and cried and cried from frustration... Now I lost my temper and used my hands on them as well... Now that theyre all asleep im feeling SO SO SO bad that I lost my temper on them for something so minor.... My main issue is that I lose my temper too much... A few times a day I find myself raising my voice on them... Does anyone have any ideas or incentives for how I can work on this BAD BAD middah??? I really wanna have a good relationship with my children and feel accomplished that Ive done the right thing????
For tomorrows snack I gave my kids a sweet treat which I dont usually give and wrote them a small love note for their great work...
But for the future, how can I avoid all this?????

Chayalle

Tue, Oct 28 2014, 9:36 pm

You can apologize to your kids. Tell them Mommy is sorry she was upset/angry/nervous/tense yesterday, she had a hard day and should have been more patient, and loves them so much, etc....It's one of the most powerful lessons to teach kids - that their parents are human and human beings make mistakes, and then they apologize for their mistakes and make amends.

Beyond that, remember the 80/20 rule: if you are a good parent 80% of the time, the 20% of the time you mess up will not likely cause lasting damage, especially if you handle that well.

If you are stressing and taking it out on your kids, this is gonna be cliche but here goes: time to take a parenting course. I found that that helped me get the skills I needed, so that when the going is tough I will tap into those skills rather than stress out and act on my frustration.

Oh...and my girls did not manage to get pills down until quite recently, and they are both in their teens.

My sister - who is a doctor and now thinks it's no big deal - did not either. I remember her practicing on a can of whole-kernel corn. But don't tell any of her patients this.

amother

Tue, Oct 28 2014, 10:47 pm

try the theorangerhino.com

(before I continue I just want to clarify that I am a control freak so what I'm suggesting is something that I myself am trying to learn)
I think you need to lower your expectations in terms of control of your kids.
they are people not things
they are going to do what they want

if you see they are not doing what you asked, yelling or forcing wont make it happen

when your 8 year old couldnt do it after try #3 you should have said "oh my, I guess we should all try and learn how to do it again. practice is important thats why we have kriyah homework, and chazara, etc. Its okay that chani couldnt swallow it, she hasnt done it in a long time. Now we know its something we need to work on it. We are not going to start tonight because its a school night, why dont you remind me on the weekend so we can all work on it together!"

amother

Wed, Oct 29 2014, 12:58 am

Why would you consider trying something so difficult when you knew ahead of time you were not feeling calm? It's scary to learn to take capsules. The feeling of choking and gagging is very frightening. It takes calm and practice and a variety of techniques. for example, applesauce, ice cream, cheerios, etc.
I once saw this: Yelling silences your message. Speak quietly so your children can hear your words instead of just your voice. Imagine yourself being them and having to experience your being out of control and threatening. You don't want those associations in your relationship at all, and certainly not connected to taking medicine.
Kol hakavod for recognizing that this is something to work on. That's a big step in a good direction.

write on

Wed, Oct 29 2014, 4:54 am

The first step to teshuvah is "viduy". In your post you are not naming your behaviors, but skirting around them. It will be virtually impossible to change with that kind of attitude because instead of calling yourself on the carpet for HITTING MY CHILDREN you are saying, "I used my hands with them". Or "I got nervous on them" instead of saying, "I YELLED AND SCREAMED AND ACTED LIKE A MESHUGENNEH AND PROBABLY TRAUMATIZED THEM!".

So first off, name the behaviors--for yourself and for them. Feel the pain of doing these things that your children do not deserve and that give you nothing but shame, guilt, and regret. Daven to Hashem for His help in removing them. Then apologize--profusely, to your children, who suffered yesterday. Giving them a treat for "good behavior" doesn't do it and they know it too. Kids are very smart. Tell them, "I was wrong yesterday. I hit and I screamed and I feel really bad about it. I'm going to try hard not to do it again. Please forgive me." I don't know if you should even give them a treat because it might create a strange and unhealthy association in their mind between being subjected to abusive behavior and getting sweets.

Speak to a rav or mentor about how to work on this or, if that doesn't do it, go to therapy for anger management. It really works.

You are not a bad person--in fact, you're a wonderful person who wants so badly to change even though change is hard. With honesty and willingness, you will leave these behaviors behind and become the parent you truly want to be, b'ezras Hashem. Amen.

amother

Wed, Oct 29 2014, 6:31 am

You are very clever because you have identified the connection between anxiety (nervousness) and anger. Both these emotions are triggered by a part of the brain called the amygdala which senses danger and tells us to fight, flight or freeze. Thus when we feel afraid we often either fight (get angry), flight (ie run away and not face the problem), or freeze (stand their and do nothing, also not dealing with the problem). Please google these concepts to understand them better.

The very best cure for this type of problem is to increase your bitachon in Hashem, ie to learn to trust that everything that happens is for the best and that Hashem is in control and He loves you. The more you understand this, the less anxiety and anger.

Maybe a Rav or female Torah teacher can help you with some of these underlying issues. Ask Hashem to help you find the right person to help you.

proudmother1

Wed, Oct 29 2014, 8:25 am

amother wrote:

Correction, it was not minor. It was actually non-existent.
You tried to teach them something without success. They did NOTHING wrong.
(And maybe if you were more relaxed your teaching lesson would have worked.)
You need to get a grip before you inflict permanent damage. You CAN work on this. You MUST.

But now that you know you have a problem, and how big it is, I am sure that you will succeed no matter how hard. Because a mother's inherent instinct is to protect her children.

Giving them a sweet treat the next day was nice, but I think you need to do more than that. You need to sit down with them and apologize. Explain that you are a human being just like them, and sometimes your stress - that has nothing to do with them - gets the better of you. At least they will know that it is not their fault.

Try to relax before they come home. Prepare yourself. Take a nap , do yoga, read, take a shower, have some tea, whatever works for you. Tell them how much you love them - give them positive to neutralize the negative.
Anger management, as other posters have said, may be a good option for you too.
Know that you will never be perfect, accept your failures along with your successes.
But always make sure that you children know that it is not their fault.

I wish you the best of success on this difficult journey. Many have taken it and succeeded. Take heart in that.