Asking me to get things for her

amother

Thu, Oct 30 2014, 9:20 am

My preteen dd likes to ask me to get things for her. She'll ask me to get her a pencil for HW or a cup or a brush. She is perfectly capable of getting it herself but feels good asking and having me do stuff for her. Sometimes she is the closer one or I am sitting down and by asking she is really making me go out of my way. She asks nicely though.

I am having a hard time with this. I feel like a child shouldnt ask a parent to fetch something. Its not respectful to treat your mother like a servant. A peer could get each other things but a parent?

How should I handle this?

chani8

Thu, Oct 30 2014, 10:11 am

Apparently, "acts of service" is her "love language". Read "The Five Love Languages." So when you do things for her, she feels loved. If you refuse, do it very gently, because it's likely to be painful for her. She might feel rejected by you. Perhaps it'll help if you preface your "no" with an "I love you, but..."

Chayalle

Thu, Oct 30 2014, 10:12 am

Tell her gently, in a calm moment, that it is not Derech Eretz.

I once heard a story related by R' Pam Z'tzl. He said when he was a little boy, his uncle, who was a big
Talmid Chacham (but I don't remember the name) came to visit. Now R' Pam was sitting at the table, and his mother was standing, so he asked her to please give him a drink from a nearby countertop. And his uncle turned to him, shocked, and said "Banutzen zich mid dem Mamma?" (Using your mother?!). It was a huge lesson for him.

Ruchel

Thu, Oct 30 2014, 10:24 am

"I love you but" before saying no seems really tiptoeing. I would laugh I someone told me so. And I love services.

"You can take it, honey". And yeah, what about derech eretz/kibbud av ve am.

yo'ma

Thu, Oct 30 2014, 10:37 am

chani8 wrote:

I'm not the op, but I never thought about it like that. My 10 yr old ds does this. I think though some of it has to do with being dependent. Sometimes I give and sometimes I don't, depending on the situation.

chani8

Thu, Oct 30 2014, 10:43 am

Ruchel wrote:

"I love you but" before saying no seems really tiptoeing. I would laugh I someone told me so. And I love services.

"You can take it, honey". And yeah, what about derech eretz/kibbud av ve am.

Isn't the whole thing about love languages is that this is how a person most readily feels loved? If you're going to limit the love, then I would think it deserves an assurance. What does it hurt? "I love you but I can't do that for you right now." Doesn't sound cheesy to me.

My point was that DD is not lacking in kibbud am. She's asking for love. I am an 'acts of service' person too, and I act helpless and lazy at times, but I don't mean anything by it. I'm just needing love. I think OP should consider this about her DD, too.

Ruchel

Thu, Oct 30 2014, 10:44 am

Cultural block Wink

I don't see things like this. I'm not limiting the love by not allowing my child to follow her natural instinct to not want to shlep. If anything I'm doing HER aservice by not allowing it.

Last edited by Ruchel on Thu, Oct 30 2014, 10:45 am; edited 1 time in total

chani8

Thu, Oct 30 2014, 10:45 am

yo'ma wrote:

I just have to add that it packs a powerful punch (of love) if you can be a little cheesy and say, "I did this for you because I love you."

chani8

Thu, Oct 30 2014, 10:47 am

Ruchel wrote:

Cultural block Wink

I don't see things like this. I'm not limiting the love by not allowing my child to follow her natural instinct to not want to shlep. If anything I'm doing HER aservice by not allowing it.

I'm really not disagreeing with you, that she should be given limits if OP needs it. I'm just saying, add the cheesy words of love, to soften the blow. I thought you're french, not british. Aren't the French the leaders in expressions of love? Wink

amother

Thu, Oct 30 2014, 12:32 pm

Chani8 you hit the nail on the head. She is an acts of service kid.
However it makes me feel bad to be given orders like this. Sometimes I push myself to just get it out of love but it really hurts my ego. I was brought up that you never ask your parents to do anything for you that you could do yourself.
How can I teach her to respect me by not asking me to get up and fetch? It is really so rude.

chani8

Thu, Oct 30 2014, 3:06 pm

amother wrote:

Wow, you sound like such a good mother. Of course you can set limits, just do it gently and lovingly, or if you're too annoyed, then just claim to be too tired to get up.

I'm sure you do a thousand things for her already, so maybe if you point out to her those loving acts, she'll get filled up and not bug you so much. "I washed your clothes today, because I love you." Cheesy, but it works, ime.

I realize you were brought up to think that making requests of an adult/parent is rude, but maybe it'll help you to know that it's not against the halachos of kibbud am. Of course, you can teach her that in your family growing up, it was not allowed to ask a parent to fetch things, and that you think she shouldn't ask that of you.

seeker

Thu, Oct 30 2014, 3:52 pm

I would just agree and not make anything of it when it's something like you're at the counter with the cups anyway and heading in her direction so why not pass her a cup, whereas if you're both sitting together or you're busy with something else then I'd say "sorry not now."

"I love you but" is a no-no, IMHO. Anything that ends with but is negated. Leave the love you for some other time and just stick to the matter at hand.

Regarding needing acts of service for love, you can respond to that by OFFERING favors at random times to to show your love and thoughtfulness. It needn't and shouldn't be in response to her whims.

Dolly Welsh

Thu, Oct 30 2014, 4:06 pm

Do not get them!!!

No, the kid who is grown must NOT use any parent as a servant

!!!

I cherish that anecdote above about Rav Pam as a little boy.

Ladies, you are enabling bad behavior that will lead to bad things. Don't!

greenfire

Thu, Oct 30 2014, 4:18 pm

certainly coddle her when she needs that love - but when you cannot do something for her it's best to encourage her in a nice manner ... not by demanding respect as if it's below you to get your child a drink or a pencil

love is a give & take and a parent should be willing to give enough so that a child learns the art of giving - after all you brought her into this world - help her how she needs help

Dolly Welsh

Thu, Oct 30 2014, 4:25 pm

Agree.

But only when the kid is sick or busy. Certainly you would bring drink or pencil when the kid is in the thick of writing and needs to continue to concentrate.

Just not all the time when the kid is not busy, just wants something.

No haughty speeches, I agree, but there is a point here about "who owes me what". That is a very subtle and important question, lifelong.

PAMOM

Thu, Oct 30 2014, 4:46 pm

Oh, sweetie-- I just sat down. It's in the top drawer in the kitchen.

I'll be glad to as soon as I .....

Sure-- just finish folding this basket so I can get it.

No problem-- I'll be down in a minute and can bring it then or you can come up and I'll show you where it is .

zaq

Thu, Oct 30 2014, 5:39 pm

"Acts of service" does not mean becoming a servant, and a mother should not be fetching and carrying for a child. You are 100% right saying a child should not ask a parent to do anything she is capable of doing for herself. Punkt farkehrt, a child should be fetching and carrying for a mother! A mother's "acts of service" for a child can be making her dinner, brushing her hair, baking her favorite cake, and similar things. There is a book on the 5 LLs for children that may give you other appropriate ideas.

The 5 LL has never suggested that people should be made into servants or that a partner's request must always be granted.