Humor-Jokes | Imamother

Motek

Sun, May 25 2008, 11:00 am

An elderly Jewish man is bumped by a car while crossing the street. He is seemingly unhurt, but his wife persuades him to go to the doctor, just in case. He returns home, and his wife says -- "Nu, vos zogt der doktor?"
["So? What did the doctor say?"]
"Der doktor zogt AZ ich hob a flucky." ["The doctor says I have a flucky."]

"Oy, gevalt! A flucky! Terrible! What do you do for a flucky?"

"I don't know -- he didn't say, and I forgot to ask."

Well, by this time the wife is in a state of high anxiety. She tells her neighbors "My husband was hit by a car, and now he has a flucky! I don't know what to do!"

Neighbor #1 says, "In the old country, when someone had a flucky, we always applied cold. Cold is the best thing for a flucky."

Neighbor #2 says, "What are you talking about? Cold is absolutely the worst thing you could do for a flucky! We always applied heat, that's the only thing to do for a flucky."

Cold, heat! Oy! Now thoroughly agitated, the wife decides to call the doctor herself. "Doctor, please tell me, what's wrong with my husband?"

"I told him... nothing's wrong. He got off lucky."

greenfire

Sun, May 25 2008, 10:32 pm

Motek wrote:

Raising Boys - 24 key points to ponder

a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

...
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

13.) No matter how much J ell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

25.) Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

lol -

... hm I guess I got enough testosterone and estrogen for both 24 & 25 ...

as for the cats - I hope nobody tries that

fyi I saw an experiment - where s/o actually "walked on water" but if you weren't quick enough you did sink ...

at least I now have 37 pages to keep me entertained - in case I'm not in the mood for everything else on imamother - yet find it hard to log out ...

roza

Sun, Jun 22 2008, 8:19 pm

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief
samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known
world that he was searching for a chief.

A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding
position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish
samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why
he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a
matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The
bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very
impressive!"The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese
samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The
Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh,
whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small
pieces.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to
demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai
opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went
Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why
is that gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant
to kill."

mali

Wed, Jul 02 2008, 5:16 am

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system>activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,

A Troubled User.

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag, Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

Best of luck,

Tech Support

mama-star

Fri, Jul 18 2008, 4:14 pm

ok, I'll start:

a jew, a moslem, and an xtian are sitting and schmoozing. the moslem says, "allah is so merciful. once, I was in the desert, and a terrible sandstorm whipped all around me. I thought I would die. I prayed for allah to save me, and suddenly the sandstorm disappeared."

the xtian said, "oh yeah? well I have a better one. I was on a ship and a terrible hurricane descended upon us. I also thought I would die! I prayed to jc to save me, and suddenly the hurricane had ceased."

the jew said, "my story wins. once I was walking on shabbos, and I saw a hundred bucks on the ground. 'oy, aibeshter,' I said. 'me and yenty sure could use the gelt!' I prayed that Hashem would help, and suddenly it was tuesday!"

roza

Mon, Jul 21 2008, 10:31 pm

Rabbi Altmann and his secretary were sitting in a coffeehouse in Berlin in 1935. "Herr Altmann," said his secretary, "I notice you're reading Der Stürmer! I can't understand why. A Nazi libel sheet! Are you some kind of masochist, or, God forbid, a self-hating Jew?"
"On the contrary, Frau Epstein. When I used to read the Jewish papers, all I learned about were pogroms, riots in Palestine, and assimilation in America. But now that I read Der Stürmer, I see so much more: that the Jews control all the banks, that we dominate in the arts, and that we're on the verge of taking over the entire world. You know – it makes me feel a whole lot better!"

roza

Mon, Jul 21 2008, 10:37 pm

A Catholic priest is called away by a family emergency one day, while on duty attending confession. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he asks his friend, a rabbi from the synagogue across the street, if he can fill in for him.
The rabbi says he wouldn't know what to do, so the priest agrees to stay with him for a few minutes and show him the ropes.
They enter their half of the confessional together and soon enough, a woman enters and says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned."
"What did you do?" asks the priest.
"I have committed adultery." she replies.
"How many times?" continues the priest.
"Three times."
"Do three Hail Marys, put $5 in the poor-box, and sin no more." finishes the priest.
The woman leaves and not long after a man enters and says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned."
"What did you do?"
"I have committed adultery."
"How many times?"
"Three times."
"Do three Hail Marys, put $5 in the poor-box, and sin no more." The man leaves.
The rabbi tells the priest he thinks he's got it figured out now, so the priest leaves, and the rabbi waits until another woman enters the confessional, who says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned."
"What did you do," asks the rabbi.
"I have committed adultery," she replies.
"How many times?"
"Twice."
"I tell you what," says the rabbi. "Go do it one more time and come back. We got a special this week, three for $5!"

GAMZu

Mon, Jul 21 2008, 11:51 pm

roza wrote:

Oh, hahaha! Tongue Out

Motek

Sun, Jul 27 2008, 10:37 am

roza wrote:

"I tell you what," says the rabbi. "Go do it one more time and come back. We got a special this week, three for $5!"

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant
for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and
resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left
her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been
driving about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they
had to travel quite A distance before they could find a
place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant
to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic
grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife
relentlessly.
During the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more
agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to
retrieve her glasses, the old man yelled: 'While
you're in there, you might as well get my hat and our credit card.'

Pineapple

Sun, Jul 27 2008, 10:42 am

Color is Good!!!!

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.

My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high,

I'd gained some weight, and I didn't feel so hot.

My doctor said eating right doesn't have to
be complicated and it would solve my physical
problems. He said just think in colors...
Fill your plate with bright colors...
greens, yellows, reds, orange, etc.

I went right home and ate an
entire bowl of :

M & M's!!!!!!!

YUM, YUM!!!

And sure enough, I felt better immediately.

I never knew eating right

could be so easy.

Motek

Sun, Jul 27 2008, 1:18 pm

A young priest is nervous about his new job, so he
asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears several confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."
The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, "Now try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand, how did you feel about that?"
The new priest says those things, trying them out.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'WOW! And what happened NEXT?!?!'"

sunshine!

Sun, Jul 27 2008, 6:53 pm

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office. He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?" She replied, "Im having a baby." With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?" She said, "He sure is." Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?" She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby." With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked... "Then why did you eat him?"