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Motek




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 07 2008, 7:45 am
SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work -Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone -
Press 7

To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

If you want this in Spanish, move to a country that speaks it!
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jewgal84




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 07 2008, 12:33 pm
Rolling Laughter
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Appletree




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 07 2008, 12:35 pm
very cute!!
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chillax




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 07 2008, 12:55 pm
Motek wrote:
An elderly Jewish man is bumped by a car while crossing the street. He is seemingly unhurt, but his wife persuades him to go to the doctor, just in case. He returns home, and his wife says -- "Nu, vos zogt der doktor?"
["So? What did the doctor say?"]
"Der doktor zogt AZ ich hob a flucky." ["The doctor says I have a flucky."] "


http://imamother.com/forum/vie.....26006 *ahem*
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mali




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 07 2008, 3:46 pm
chillax, you should've posted that right here instead of opening a new thread.
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ButterflyGarden




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 09 2008, 10:48 am
Someone must have posted this, but I don't have the strength to go through all the pages and check. Also, it's funny. Smile

What to wear
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don’t bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Wardrobe:
1st baby: You pre -wash newborn’s clothes, colour-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?

Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress–a whimper, a frown–you pick up the baby
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

The Dummy:
1st baby: If the dummy falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the dummy falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby’s bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Nappy changes:
1st baby: You change your baby’s nappies every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their nappy every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their nappy before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins (a favourite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
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yo'ma




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 19 2008, 8:30 am
I got these out of a joke book I bought for my kids.

Anybody who boasts about his ancestors is admitting that his family is better dead than alive.

The more we study, the more we know.
The more we know, the more we forget.
The more we forget, the less we know.
So, why study?
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neverbored




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 13 2010, 1:19 pm
These jokes are soooo funny! Took me a month to read them all!! Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 13 2011, 2:48 pm
Motek wrote:
The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to Morris the hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything.
"The hot dog vendor fixes a loaded hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. Morris the vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it.
"Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.

Morris responds, ....."Change must come from within."


So I decide to check this out, I'm looking for a classic riddle like b/w/r all over-lightbulb-chicken cross the road type stuff and I find this, one of my favorite jokes. But I thought it ended with "make me one with everything". Love "the rest of the story"!
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Sweet Valley Gal




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 28 2011, 7:31 pm
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin.

When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints.

All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
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sequoia




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 28 2011, 7:34 pm
Mwa-ha-ha! LOVE it!

Okay, here's one: an American comes to Russia, it's really wet, muddy, slushy, bad weather, he's miserable. One day he sees a guy happily walking wearing one rainboot. "What are you so happy about?" he asks. "The weather is miserable and you've lost one boot!"
"Why lost? Found!"
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Sweet Valley Gal




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 28 2011, 7:35 pm
THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much..'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2010 Models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: '$90,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000.'

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'


The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'
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Sweet Valley Gal




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 28 2011, 7:45 pm
MY ALL TIME FAVORITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Read and you wills ee why!



> Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially all
> of the ladies who bake for fund raising events:
>
> Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Ladies' Auxiliary in Tuscaloosa ,
> but forgot to do it until the last minute.
>
> She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through
> cabinets, found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her
> hair, dressing, and helping her son pack up for school.
>
> When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the
> cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed, "Oh dear, there is no time
> to bake another cake!"
>
> This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her
> new community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house
> for something to build up the center of the cake.
>
> She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and
> then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look
> beautiful, it looked perfect.
>
> Before she left the house to drop the cake by the bake sale and head for
> work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific
> instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy
> the cake and bring it home.
>
>
> When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect
> cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her
> mom.
>
>
> Alice was horrified! Everyone would know! What would they think? She would
> be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed!
>
> All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers
> at her and talking about her behind her back.
>
> The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the
> cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of
> a nearby neighbor and try to have a good time.
>
> She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more
> than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a newcomer
> and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa , but having already
> RSVP'd , she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.
>
> The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south and
> to Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert; Alice
> felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!
>
> She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but
> before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a
> beautiful cake!"
>
> Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who
> was a prominent member of the community) say,
>
> "Thank you, I baked it myself.."
>
> Alice smiled and thought to herself, "G-d is good."
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yummydd




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 28 2011, 9:01 pm
Sweet Valley Gal wrote:
MY ALL TIME FAVORITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Read and you wills ee why!



> Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially all
> of the ladies who bake for fund raising events:
>
> Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Ladies' Auxiliary in Tuscaloosa ,
> but forgot to do it until the last minute.
>
> She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through
> cabinets, found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her
> hair, dressing, and helping her son pack up for school.
>
> When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the
> cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed, "Oh dear, there is no time
> to bake another cake!"
>
> This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her
> new community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house
> for something to build up the center of the cake.
>
> She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and
> then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look
> beautiful, it looked perfect.
>
> Before she left the house to drop the cake by the bake sale and head for
> work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific
> instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy
> the cake and bring it home.
>
>
> When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect
> cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her
> mom.
>
>
> Alice was horrified! Everyone would know! What would they think? She would
> be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed!
>
> All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers
> at her and talking about her behind her back.
>
> The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the
> cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of
> a nearby neighbor and try to have a good time.
>
> She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more
> than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a newcomer
> and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa , but having already
> RSVP'd , she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.
>
> The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south and
> to Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert; Alice
> felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!
>
> She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but
> before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a
> beautiful cake!"
>
> Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who
> was a prominent member of the community) say,
>
> "Thank you, I baked it myself.."
>
> Alice smiled and thought to herself, "G-d is good."


Lol! would love to see a movie of this one playing out!
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amother
Ecru


 

Post Mon, Nov 14 2016, 7:30 am
Motek wrote:
Answering Machine Message for the Mental Health Institute
Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

If you are obsessive or compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we already know who you are, but stay on the line while we trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you have short term memory loss, press 9, if you have short term memory loss, press 9, if you have short memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 14 2016, 7:34 am
amother wrote:


Hey, ecru, if you're going to revive this very worthy, but elderly, thread, let us know what you think!
Better yet, join us here http://www.imamother.com/forum.....29927
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PAMOM




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Dec 03 2016, 7:41 pm
You know, I started reading this thread because I needed some humor. Most of these jokes and stories are warm or funny or wryly on target. Some, however, are just plain mean, hurtful, and self-righteous. I'm surprised to find these "jokes" from posters who are more often compassionate and supportive. Really? Because I'm a liberal American Jewish Democratic, my kids will end up less Jewish than Donald Trump's? I don't need to defend my politics but I come from three generations of liberal American Democrats, and none of us or or children has married anyone not Jewish. We're all actively involved in our Jewish communities. Allow same relations marriage so Democrats will die out? These were 2 of the "kinder" of the jokes that disturbed me. They're not laughing at ourselves; they're demonizing
some of us.
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MagentaYenta




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Dec 03 2016, 7:56 pm
PAMOM wrote:
You know, I started reading this thread because I needed some humor. Most of these jokes and stories are warm or funny or wryly on target. Some, however, are just plain mean, hurtful, and self-righteous. I'm surprised to find these "jokes" from posters who are more often compassionate and supportive. Really? Because I'm a liberal American Jewish Democratic, my kids will end up less Jewish than Donald Trump's? I don't need to defend my politics but I come from three generations of liberal American Democrats, and none of us or or children has married anyone not Jewish. We're all actively involved in our Jewish communities. Allow same relations marriage so Democrats will die out? These were 2 of the "kinder" of the jokes that disturbed me. They're not laughing at ourselves; they're demonizing
some of us.


This post is just another reason why you have been missed.
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PAMOM




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Dec 03 2016, 8:00 pm
MY, you made my day!
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MagentaYenta




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Dec 03 2016, 8:01 pm
PAMOM wrote:
MY, you made my day!

You are very welcome.
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