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18 year old walked out on mother-
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amother


 

Post Sun, Nov 02 2014, 1:34 am
My 18 yr old girl went to live with her boyfriend,2 months ago. Any suggestions what to do. I am thinking of planning to relocate to another city am I doing the right thing . She wont communicate with me properly.She s made up her mind that freedom is better than living home.
I should stay home alone and wait for her , indefinitely maybe or for ever , -.............. until she may decide to return. - Or I relocate to a city where my other children live ,hoping that she might follow.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Nov 02 2014, 1:52 am
You should do whatever is best for you. Your 18 year old has made her decision and at this age, you will likely not convince her to change.

Do let her know that you are planning to move. Don't make it about her, just that you've decided that you prefer to live in town X and that she's welcome to join you if she wants.

I also have a stubborn 18 year old making bad decisions. My sympathy to you. Keep doors open but move ahead with your own life.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Nov 02 2014, 1:56 am
Let her know that you love her, will always be there for her, but that you are moving to a new place and that she is welcome to come join you there anytime. When you move, follow through on letting her know that you love her. A lot.

I also have to recommend thinking about her relationship with her father (if he's in the house) or her stepfather - is she open to talking to either of them?
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Dolly Welsh




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 02 2014, 2:15 am
Make a bank account you and she are both signers on. Or put her as joint signer on one of your existing accounts. Make sure she has an ATM card that accesses this account.

Make sure there is money in the account at all times: enough money to get a ticket to wherever you are moving to, and more than that, so she can get boots and a coat and a suitcase for her stuff.

Keep it topped up until she is 25.

Make sure she has your cell phone number and your email address. Email her often just saying bland things.

Don't hate her boyfriend. Don't say anything about him in the emails or any other way. Don't talk about him at all; just say bland things if she mentions him.

Maybe give her a credit card that is in your name, but she is a secondary user, not the owner. The line is in your name, not hers. Not a huge credit line, keep it to a thousand dollars. Keep it paid off. This will pay for the boots and coat and the plane ticket.

Tell her to take car services and to put them on this card. Tell her to be sure to wear nice clothes, get her hair done, and to look nice, and to put that on this card.

Don't ask questions about purchases, ever.
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newme




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 02 2014, 2:25 am
Dolly, I usually enjoy your posts - and often agree with them.
I appreciate the thinking behind your advice here, but I don't think that this kind of advice should be given without knowing more about the girl, her spending habits and then mother's financial capabilities.
A credit card with a regular 1,000$ availability? What happens if she spends this on a weekly basis?
What if teh mother can barely afford to maintain her own living expenses, let alone an 18yr old's bad choices?

The idea of extending love - unconditionally - does not always mean one has to give materially without limit.
She could be told:
"I love you. I will always be happy to have you at home. If you are ever stuck for cash - just give me a call and I'll make sure you have what you need to get here. I shall always be your mother and I shall always do my best to look out for you".

To OP - hugs. This can't be easy for you. But I agree with above poster who says that at this stage you also have to look out for your own stability and peace of mind. Live you life the best you can, and always keep the door open for your daughter.
Hug Hug Hug Hug
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chani8




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 02 2014, 2:33 am
She's 18, she's an adult. You've done all you can to raise her right. Now she's on her own. It's sad and disappointing when they make decisions going against our values, but they're not doing it to spite us. They're just living their lives how they want to.

If you can move closer to your other children and be a part of their lives, that sounds wonderful. I can't see why you'd hesitate. Your 18yo knows how to take a bus. Just let her know you'll come get her if she ever needs you to.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Nov 02 2014, 3:29 am
Thanking every one of you for your GREAT ideas.
You have all relaxed me and made me very happy .
Lots of
Hazlacha and Brochers in your own lives.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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mamamam




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 02 2014, 3:42 am
I don't have good advice. Just wanted to wish you a lot of Hatsluche. Hug Hug Hug
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mille




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 02 2014, 10:06 am
chani8 wrote:
She's 18, she's an adult. You've done all you can to raise her right. Now she's on her own. It's sad and disappointing when they make decisions going against our values, but they're not doing it to spite us. They're just living their lives how they want to.

If you can move closer to your other children and be a part of their lives, that sounds wonderful. I can't see why you'd hesitate. Your 18yo knows how to take a bus. Just let her know you'll come get her if she ever needs you to.


I think this is super important. Not just 'come home any time' but the assurance that her mother will be her lifeline if things turn sour. If, god forbid, her relationship becomes abusive or she doesn't want to be there anymore but doesn't feel that she has the resources to escape (like if she doesn't have her own car, or her own income, or whatever)... She needs to know someone else has her back. And OP, if she ever calls you and tells you that she needs you to come get her, do it, and make absolutely ZERO negative comments to her about it. No "I told you so" or "I knew you'd be back"... Just say how happy you are to see her and that you love her!

But hopefully that will never happen! But I moved out on my own at 18 also, and it would have been so much scarier if I truly felt on my own rather than knowing that I had family who was there for me (even if they didn't agree with my choice to move away).
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amother


 

Post Sun, Nov 02 2014, 4:43 pm
Thank you really, all your posts meant a lot .more than words could express. Hug Hug
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 02 2014, 5:13 pm
please don't move for spite & let her know you love her unconditionally

[do not however give an irresponsible 18 or any age child free access to your bank account]
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Dolly Welsh




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 02 2014, 7:14 pm
I hear that; a few hundred dollars would be fine, or even less.

But I don't want this girl to be unable to buy a sandwich without the guy's permission. She needs her own mad money and lunch money. Plane fare would be good too, on top of that, if OP could spare it.

The bank account wouldn't be OP's normal bank account. It would be a separate one, used just for this purpose. That way the kid would have no access to OP's usual money.

The kid should have a credit card, with a very low line, maybe a few hundred, if OP can manage that. It's hard to take a plane without one.

OP should give her what she would have spent feeding her, if she had stayed home. That was budgeted for, already.

If OP can't afford all that, then the girl is going to be where she is. She is of majority age.
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 02 2014, 7:42 pm
she should get a job
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groisamomma




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 02 2014, 9:28 pm
greenfire wrote:
she should get a job


^^^This^^^

Parents can watch irresponsible decisions being made but by no means are they obligated to finance them.
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causemommysaid




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 02 2014, 9:35 pm
Dolly Welsh wrote:
Make a bank account you and she are both signers on. Or put her as joint signer on one of your existing accounts. Make sure she has an ATM card that accesses this account.

Make sure there is money in the account at all times: enough money to get a ticket to wherever you are moving to, and more than that, so she can get boots and a coat and a suitcase for her stuff.

Keep it topped up until she is 25.

Make sure she has your cell phone number and your email address. Email her often just saying bland things.

Don't hate her boyfriend. Don't say anything about him in the emails or any other way. Don't talk about him at all; just say bland things if she mentions him.

Maybe give her a credit card that is in your name, but she is a secondary user, not the owner. The line is in your name, not hers. Not a huge credit line, keep it to a thousand dollars. Keep it paid off. This will pay for the boots and coat and the plane ticket.

Tell her to take car services and to put them on this card. Tell her to be sure to wear nice clothes, get her hair done, and to look nice, and to put that on this card.

Don't ask questions about purchases, ever.


Wow. I wouldn't give free reign to an 18 year old. let her work for her money.

I would leave some money with a friend in town and let her know that if she ever wants to come for a visit or to stay for good, your friend will buy her a ticket.
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Dolly Welsh




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 02 2014, 10:05 pm
There is no such friend. It's OP's kid and her bubbameises don't interest anybody else. Well, if OP has a friend willing to put up with her teenagers' stuff, that would be very nice. Perhaps a relative might. But nobody else usually wants to be bothered with other people's teenagers' stuff. Only when the teenager is doing fine and just needs a place to stay or to talk or dinner. But not when they are having problems.

But if I am wrong, good.

OP may know nicer people than I do.

And the kid might get attitude that she doesn't want to beg or share her problems with so-and-so.

Where are the feminists? Should this kid be one man away from having no food?

She is not out of her teens.

I wasn't proposing to make a princess of her, just to make sure she had the means to do something different if she wants to. She may like this man and stay with him for life. But getting out of it is going to take some money, including not looking like heck on a shingle. That means a warm coat and plain but waterproof boots.
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SRS




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 02 2014, 10:43 pm
Is the boyfriend her age or significantly older? Do you know his parents? Do you have a relationship with him at all? What is their relationship like? What is the "freedom" she is seeking?

I see no reason why you should not relocate if that is what you want to do as you have all adult children. But I'm sensing you think she will be back or perhaps need to come back. Unfortunately we can't save people from terrible decisions. We can be there for them. If you think she will really need you asap because she is in real danger, maybe you can visit you other kids but stay put for a little longer to monitor. If she has a nice enough boyfriend and is just going down a secular route and the danger is more spiritual but not abusive, the decision might have a different calculation.
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 02 2014, 11:59 pm
Dolly Welsh wrote:
But nobody else usually wants to be bothered with other people's teenagers' stuff. Only when the teenager is doing fine and just needs a place to stay or to talk or dinner. But not when they are having problems.

But if I am wrong, good.


you are wrong - there are plenty of big-hearted people who help teens cause we've all been a needy teen at some point in our lives

Dolly Welsh wrote:

Where are the feminists? Should this kid be one man away from having no food?


feminists don't rely on one man for their food
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Dolly Welsh




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 03 2014, 12:40 am
I know they don't. Therefore, I thought the feminists here would support that this kid have access to money independently her own.

I am not putting this man down, the boyfriend. I know nothing about him.

But an 18 year old with no social support, no social or legal marriage, whose mother hopes she will come back and be with her, needs some money nobody can deny her access to. Her own money.

As for big-hearted friends, a very good idea, if one is near where the girl is living. Let OP arrange something like that. That's even better. It would be a place to physically go for the night.

But I still think the kid needs a few dollars in her hand.
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 03 2014, 1:13 am
Dolly Welsh wrote:
I know they don't. Therefore, I thought the feminists here would support that this kid have access to money independently her own.
...

But I still think the kid needs a few dollars in her hand.


maybe you are independently wealthy but some of us have been working since we are kids to survive

this 18 year old should start there - she is young - she is vibrant - she is capable

Dolly Welsh wrote:

As for big-hearted friends, a very good idea, if one is near where the girl is living. Let OP arrange something like that. That's even better. It would be a place to physically go for the night.


the girl has to want that - probably not going to happen if her mother arranges it considering how she left her mother ... unless perhaps it is done quietly - under the table - hush

but the mother does seem rather unable considering she wants to grab the opportunity to move far away from said daughter to 'save' herself
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