Is it rude to specify what guests bring, if they offer?

pearl26

Sun, Nov 02 2014, 9:59 pm

I have seen a lot of discussion on whether it is rude for a Shabbos meal guest NOT to offer or bring anything, or not to help clear the table, etc. My question is different: if I invite a guest for a meal and THEY ASK what they can bring, is it rude of me to suggest a specific thing? For example, a guest asks what they can bring, so I specify fruit salad, or wine, or challah, etc.

When I ask, as a guest, what I may bring, the response often is "nothing! just yourself!" (in which case I bring a bottle of wine). But when I am hosting and guests ask what they can bring, I usually take them up on the offer and specify a specific item. Now I am wondering whether I am being rude by specifying what they should bring if they offer. My thought is that people who offer are going to bring something regardless, so I may as well know what they are bringing so it's one less thing I have to buy/prepare! Eager to hear your thoughts!

agreer

Sun, Nov 02 2014, 10:03 pm

Not rude at all unless it's very expensive/hard to find, like PP suggested.

If you say "bring whatever you want", how will u know to not make that? That makes no sense.

You could be more generic and say, "A salad" or "a main dish" or "a dessert", but if you want to be as specific as challah/grape juice/chocolate chip cookies, I think that's fine.

Dolly Welsh

Sun, Nov 02 2014, 10:13 pm

It could be a kindness. The person will know she is bringing something that is needed and will be part of things in a useful way, not put away. Yes, it should be very easy to bring, and the hostess should have an eye to the circumstances of the bringer.

If the bringer has little money, instead of wine, the hostess might ask for parve sorbet for desert. Or "some of your famous cookies (or cakes or challahs)" where it's more effort than money that will be spent.

"Nothing, just come" might be interpreted, by someone with little money to spare, as "oh, I know you are poor, it's ok" even though nothing like that was meant, not at all.

People have pride, and want to contribute, and want to contribute meaningfully.

Obviously, you would announce loudly who made the cake, or bread, with gratitude.

Bread is so precious, and it is very cheap to make. You could specify: "Moishie is reducing eating eggs, make a water challah, and just water-glaze it, ok?"

Last edited by Dolly Welsh on Sun, Nov 02 2014, 10:17 pm; edited 2 times in total

pearl26

Sun, Nov 02 2014, 10:15 pm

proudmother1 wrote:

When they offer something, do you ask for something very complicated or expensive?

OP here. When they offer, I usually specify something like a vegetable salad, fruit to serve for dessert, or challah (just one of those things, not a choice). That way it's specific enough that I know what I don't need to make, but loose enough that there is flexibility in how much it costs the guest, whether they make or buy, etc.

proudmother1

Sun, Nov 02 2014, 10:17 pm

pearl26 wrote:

So why do you doubt this at all? They asked, didn't they?

causemommysaid

Sun, Nov 02 2014, 10:26 pm

I don't like the guest to have to bring something that requires preparation. if I say bring nothing then they usually bring wine or candy which is zero effort. if I specify something then they have to prepare it. I feel like my invite should be a mini vacation for them so they dont have to cook for that meal at all.

Twinster

Sun, Nov 02 2014, 10:30 pm

It's not rude - if the guest offered. Unless, as others mentioned, you take advantage by requesting a difficult or expensive food. Giving a choice is a good idea - and perhaps asking what she's good at. I may love cooking, but if you'll ask me to bring that one thing I'm not good at, it'll be a disservice to all. And if your guests live far, asking to bring dessert won't work either.

amother

Sun, Nov 02 2014, 10:35 pm

there are different events ... if I am hosting the family chanukah get together I would ask a sister in law to bring something. Usually I ask what they want to bring and see if I need any of the things they are offering.

Nothing wrong with everyone contributing a little.

If I am done with shabbos prep and a guest offers to bring something I will answer honestly that everything is prepared already. Or I might say that I haven't prepared anything for dessert yet and see if they want to contribute.

pearl26

Sun, Nov 02 2014, 10:47 pm

OP here.

Thanks for all your responses. It sounds like people are in agreement that it is fine (even preferred) to take a guest up on their offer to bring something, but that it would be better for me to offer a choice of a few things rather than specifying one thing. For those who do that, do you then ask the guest to let you know what she will be bringing (I.e., "Thank you for offering, a salad or side dish would be great, but could you let me know by Wednesday which it will be?")?

imasinger

Sun, Nov 02 2014, 10:53 pm

I usually clarify right away.

"Would you be interested in bringing a salad or a side dish?"

"I make a wonderful spinach salad. Or I could bring my special sweet potato."

"Oh, the spinach salad would be great, thanks so much! I know we'll all enjoy that."

It's to everyone's advantage to nail down sooner rather than later, and that way, I'm not in the position of having to make a followup call.

greenfire

Sun, Nov 02 2014, 11:52 pm

I usually enjoy being the hostess and want to do all the preparation inasmuch the same when I come as a guest I also prefer being the guest with no worries

I've asked for napkins though ... hey it doesn't take too much effort and we needed them

when I bake I generally like to share my goodies - but I don't habitually do tit for tat - it either happens or it doesn't

chaos

Mon, Nov 03 2014, 6:26 am

pearl26 wrote:

As a guest, I would find it annoying to be asked to let you know Wednesday exactly what I am bringing. I don't shop until Thursday and I often change my mind based on what is in the stores. Also, I like to have some element of surprise in what I bring.

That said, even just offering the guest one of those categories, like just telling them to make a side and not offering the option of salad, leaves the guest with sufficient options. The key is not being too specific. For me, it's no problem to be told to "bring a side" or "bring a dessert". There are plenty of items in either one of categories that I am happy to make even if you don't give me a choice. You can even tell me that due to the various food restrictions of the other guests, you'd like me to bring something nut-free, because that qualifier still leaves me plenty of options for either category. And I would say that even "bring a vegetable side" or "bring a starchy side" isn't too restrictive. But I would be annoyed to be told to bring kugel or fruit salad specifically since I don't like making those.

That said, I'm not shy and if asked to bring fruit salad, I would say that I can't bring fruit salad and I'll bring brownies instead.

tovasara

Mon, Nov 03 2014, 9:40 am

I didn't read all the replies, so sorry if I am repeating. If someone really wants to bring something, I try to find out from them what the options are that they are considering, then I pick one of those. When I am invited someplace, I try to offer a few diffferent things I could make/bring and encourage the hostess to let me know what is best.

mille

Mon, Nov 03 2014, 10:32 am

It's very common in my community for guests to offer to bring something, and also very common to reply to such an offer with "A dessert would be great!" or "Would you mind bringing a salad?"

If they offer to bring something and ask what they can bring, it's not rude to specify something that would help you out, within reason. I wouldn't ask a guest to bring a roast or something expensive (or a main dish in general!), or a soup or something else difficult to transport.

Generally most people I invite ask what they can bring. Half the time I say nothing, because I really have everything taken care of and don't need the help (but anything extra is always welcome!) or I'm having a 'theme' type meal where a random side dish or salad wouldn't 'go' with the rest. The other half, I usually ask for dessert because I don't really like baking Tongue Out