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Is it rude to specify what guests bring, if they offer?
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 03 2014, 7:43 am
there was one time when I did ask for a specific bottle of wine ... but this was from a friend of a friend who asked to pay me to eat the shabbos seudo with us [sort of like a restaurant] cause he didn't want to be elsewhere & eat with strangers and have to pretend to be who he wasn't because he was no longer frum [he was somewhat a stranger to me as well aside from name & face] ... anyways after arrangements were made he was actually rude enough to change his mind & say he didn't want to bring the wine [even though I thought that was nicer than paying for a meal as it would enhance the shabbos table] ... then he proceeded to tell me how to run my shabbos table Rolling Eyes

he did however sing beautiful shabbos zemiros/niggunim -
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grateful1




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 03 2014, 7:45 am
Not only is it not rude, it's wonderful! There's nothing like an honest open relationship. Guests feel good when you take them up on their offer.they wouldn't offer if they couldn't.
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amother


 

Post Mon, Nov 03 2014, 8:12 am
chaos wrote:
As a guest, I would find it annoying to be asked to let you know Wednesday exactly what I am bringing. I don't shop until Thursday and I often change my mind based on what is in the stores. Also, I like to have some element of surprise in what I bring.

That said, even just offering the guest one of those categories, like just telling them to make a side and not offering the option of salad, leaves the guest with sufficient options. The key is not being too specific. For me, it's no problem to be told to "bring a side" or "bring a dessert". There are plenty of items in either one of categories that I am happy to make even if you don't give me a choice. You can even tell me that due to the various food restrictions of the other guests, you'd like me to bring something nut-free, because that qualifier still leaves me plenty of options for either category. And I would say that even "bring a vegetable side" or "bring a starchy side" isn't too restrictive. But I would be annoyed to be told to bring kugel or fruit salad specifically since I don't like making those.

That said, I'm not shy and if asked to bring fruit salad, I would say that I can't bring fruit salad and I'll bring brownies instead.

I would generally agree with you, but I've found that not everyone has the same definition for "side dish". Anon because the specifics could identify me- I recently hosted a meal where, between guests and us, we had an egg allergy, a potato/tomato allergy, and a gluten insensitivity- and our house is vegetarian. Guests offered to bring something, and I asked what they'd like to. Side dish was settled on, though I asked that they let me know by Thursday what they were bringing. They never got back to me regarding what they were bringing. Meanwhile I spent the week racking my mind trying to come up with a protein that I know how to make and that everyone would eat- came up with a rice and lentil casserole recipe I had. In the end the guest who hadn't got back to me also brought a rice and lentil dish, and almost none of hers was eaten. I felt bad, but I don't think it's unreasonable for a hostess to expect to know what the guest is bringing with some level of detail.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 03 2014, 4:32 pm
If they did not want to know, they would not have asked. OTOH, if they asked while fully intending you to say "just yourselves", they are guilty of genevat daat . Either way, you have every right to answer honestly. Obviously you do not suggest the main course or anything outrageously expensive or difficult to obtain ("5 lbs. of truffles from the woods outside Paris would be great, thanks so much for asking!")
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MaBelleVie




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 03 2014, 4:40 pm
As a hostess, I've taken people up on their offer a few times. I ask what they would like to make and I definitely need it to be specific because it's an absolute waste if they and I prepare the same dish. As a guest, if I offer to bring something, I prefer if the hostess tells me what would be most helpful.
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imasoftov




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 03 2014, 4:56 pm
zaq wrote:
If they did not want to know, they would not have asked. OTOH, if they asked while fully intending you to say "just yourselves", they are guilty of genevat daat . Either way, you have every right to answer honestly. Obviously you do not suggest the main course or anything outrageously expensive or difficult to obtain ("5 lbs. of truffles from the woods outside Paris would be great, thanks so much for asking!")

If the guest is a film buff you could ask them to bring you the head of Alfredo Garcia
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chaos




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 03 2014, 5:11 pm
amother wrote:
I would generally agree with you, but I've found that not everyone has the same definition for "side dish". Anon because the specifics could identify me- I recently hosted a meal where, between guests and us, we had an egg allergy, a potato/tomato allergy, and a gluten insensitivity- and our house is vegetarian. Guests offered to bring something, and I asked what they'd like to. Side dish was settled on, though I asked that they let me know by Thursday what they were bringing. They never got back to me regarding what they were bringing. Meanwhile I spent the week racking my mind trying to come up with a protein that I know how to make and that everyone would eat- came up with a rice and lentil casserole recipe I had. In the end the guest who hadn't got back to me also brought a rice and lentil dish, and almost none of hers was eaten. I felt bad, but I don't think it's unreasonable for a hostess to expect to know what the guest is bringing with some level of detail.


You're right. It certainly is reasonable for a host to want to know a more detailed description of what a guest is bringing to avoid duplication. I think that not wanting to report back to the host with a description days before the event is a personal idiosyncrasy of mine. I'll admit I have a ton of them when it comes to host/guest issues. But it certainly isn't rude or unreasonable for the host to ask.

I think in general, the "what should I bring"/"what I can ask the guest to bring" thing gets much easier as you and your guests get to know each other well and you know their strengths and limitations. By now, my friends know that I never make challah and I never know what I'm making early in the week [why do you think my name is "chaos"...hehe], but I can whip up a meat main course with relatively little notice.
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dancingqueen




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 03 2014, 5:32 pm
In my neighborhood people say "let me know if I can bring anything" but the hostess is expected to say "nothing" and they bring wine or candy. I miss it being ok to ask for a salad or side! Oh well.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 03 2014, 6:13 pm
causemommysaid wrote:
I don't like the guest to have to bring something that requires preparation. if I say bring nothing then they usually bring wine or candy which is zero effort. if I specify something then they have to prepare it. I feel like my invite should be a mini vacation for them so they dont have to cook for that meal at all.


There IS such a thing as takeout. Guests can bring a cake from the bakery, or a kugel or salad from the takeout. It takes about as much effort as a bottle of wine from the liquor store or a box of candy from the confectioner's.
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out-of-towner




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 03 2014, 6:28 pm
zaq wrote:
There IS such a thing as takeout. Guests can bring a cake from the bakery, or a kugel or salad from the takeout. It takes about as much effort as a bottle of wine from the liquor store or a box of candy from the confectioner's.


Assuming such takeout items are available wherever you live!
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