diamonds are a girl's best friend ...

greenfire

Wed, Nov 05 2014, 3:35 pm

NOT !!!

why does everybody else feel that a kallah needs a diamond ring if she won't wear one ... to the point that his mother wants to buy a ring ... and my sister thinks it's not official till there is a ring

shouldn't this be a choice that only she & her chosson make together ...

proudmother1

Wed, Nov 05 2014, 3:47 pm

greenfire wrote:

You are treading in a mine field here.

Why would she not wear one?

Kitten

Wed, Nov 05 2014, 3:54 pm

proudmother1 wrote:

Why would she not wear one?

The first question is why does a kallah absolutely positively need a diamond ring, to the point that if she doesn't it means the chosson is a bad guy? First, not everybody has the means to buy diamonds. Second, there are many things a chosson can give his kallah, if he wants to give something.
If she doesn't like diamond rings, this is something else.

greenfire

Wed, Nov 05 2014, 3:59 pm

she doesn't like gaudy shiny things

why is it a minefield ? why should monies be thrown away on an object for show ?

proudmother1

Wed, Nov 05 2014, 4:02 pm

I understood your OP to say that chosson wants to buy her one, but she doesn't want to wear one. That is what I meant by treading in a minefield.

No one can force anyone to wear anything.

I personally don't see a diamond as gaudy. I do find the current style of jewelry gaudy. But a (small) diamond in very simple setting? It can be so classy and refined.

amother

Wed, Nov 05 2014, 4:09 pm

it makes it easier for other pple to know she's engaged-didn't break it off- cz will do for that. I said I didn't need, dh said so I won't buy- s/o else handed him the money to buy because THEY wanted me to have one- otherwise it would have been cz all the way. now that we are married no more rings for me Smile

amother

Wed, Nov 05 2014, 4:09 pm

I had a beautiful diamond ring given to me when I was engaged and I am also more tomboy-like so I never wear the ring and I kind of feel bad that they wasted the money on me. I wear my wedding band - that's it. I think it should be between the chasson and kallah. People make such a big deal out of such silly things during an engagement. It drove me nuts.

Dev80

Wed, Nov 05 2014, 4:16 pm

iyH jewelry can be passed down to her future daughter or grand daughters. I know a really cute older lady who says her husband has to get her enough gifts for all the granddaughters as she will bequeath it to them. It is something of value that some one is willing to give her now, why can't she take it and save it for a special occasion or save it for later?

I also know of some one who wears her diamond ring on a necklace.

I say if some one is willing to buy it why not accept the gift? There is an art to receiving gifts as well. I have a few items from my MIL that I don't wear (earrings that I'd need to change the setting, a bracelet that is too big) and I just keep them for later - either to pass on or to adjust to my liking one day when the $$ is there.

greenfire

Wed, Nov 05 2014, 4:30 pm

amother wrote:

thank you - that is precisely her point

zaq

Wed, Nov 05 2014, 4:33 pm

The diamond engagement ring is, like the white wedding gown, neither a halacha nor a custom of Jewish origin, and some halachic authorities deplore it because it can involve halachic difficulties if the match breaks off G-d forbid. If a kallah does not want one, there is no reason for her to have one. Better she should get something she will enjoy and treasure than a rock she will leave in a drawer and possibly even resent. If what she really wants is a Harley or a Humvee or a horse, that's what she should get.

greenfire

Wed, Nov 05 2014, 4:34 pm

Dev80 wrote:

I say if some one is willing to buy it why not accept the gift? There is an art to receiving gifts as well.

the only one who should be buying a diamond ring is the chosson for the kallah ... he is engaged to her - not his mother - nor any other person who might be able to shell out the monies in his stead ... he is actually respecting his kallah by NOT buying her a diamond that she doesn't want

proudmother1

Wed, Nov 05 2014, 4:38 pm

greenfire wrote:

Then what is the problem?

Seems like everyone is happy.

greenfire

Wed, Nov 05 2014, 4:39 pm

zaq wrote:

can you be the machetunester Twisted Evil

proudmother1

Wed, Nov 05 2014, 4:41 pm

greenfire wrote:

can you be the machetunester Twisted Evil

Can the chosson deal with his own mother and leave you and your daughter out of this?
She will forgive her own son a lot faster.

tovli toraspicha

Wed, Nov 05 2014, 4:44 pm

there is absolutely no reason why someone should wear a ring if they do not want to, and the chosson is ok with it. I know a few people who did not want rings and did not get. I also know someone who did not want a ring, the mother in law insisted and then the mother in law was upset when it sat in the safety deposit box. Some people just do not like wearing things on their fingers.
Mazel tov!

Dev80

Wed, Nov 05 2014, 4:47 pm

Sorry I guess I got confused by who is giving and who is not wanting to give. You're right in a perfect world the chosson would buy for the kallah (I bet that's what a lot of our fathers did for our mothers back in the day when kids weren't quite as supported as they are now) and the kallah could request what she does or doesn't want.

But...I still don't get it, if the MIL wants to buy her a ring why can't she say thank you and put it in a drawer? Why does it have to be a big (although expensive) deal? Don't we all have things we've gotten from loved ones that we say oh wow that's great and then don't really wear it or use it...

greenfire

Wed, Nov 05 2014, 4:47 pm

the problem is that she gave her a black box with a pretty black box inside and kallah & I both nearly had a heart attack

thankfully this time it was not a ring because said chosson demanded it not to happen

Volunteer

Wed, Nov 05 2014, 6:02 pm

Wait... so can't the callah just say she wanted something else instead of the ring? The ring is just a gift from the chatan to the callah. If she doesn't want a diamond ring, maybe there is something else she would like better?
I didn't want a diamond ring either. I'm just not crazy about diamonds. I really wanted a nice wedding band in a particular style (not the thin ones many women get in addition to the diamond ring), so my husband was happy to just buy me that. Dh always asks me what I would like for gifts. He would much rather get me something I want rather than just get the "traditional" gift when I might prefer something else.

Why is this anyone else's business? Is is because mommy & daddy are paying?