How to explain to daughter that she needs help?

dr. pepper

Fri, Nov 07 2014, 9:27 am

Hashem gives everyone different strengths and weaknesses.
Some people are better at school, some with friends, some with sports.
Even within each area, there's room for individuality.
For example, when I was younger (insert something you struggles with).
Even now (insert something you struggle with ie. getting extra cleaning help).
Sometimes, it's the material for that grade that's challenging (insert ex like "I needed help in 10th grade math b/c that kind of math was too hard).

If she still puts up a fuss, maybe hold off and then have the teacher bring it up with her?
If she is fine with mediocre grades (which I don't know if that's the case here), then perhaps a tutor would actually be more harmful if she so resents it.
Best of luck.

amother

Fri, Nov 07 2014, 9:38 am

I have a similar issue with DS. What helps is to a) give the speech outlined by dr.pepper) and b) being really sympathetic. I say "I know, it's really unfair that you have to take away from your free time to spend time with a tutor and that it makes you feel bad about yourself that you're not learning the material easily the way it's presented in class and need the extra help. I know, I understand why you feel bad and why you wish you didn't have to have it and if I thought it was best for you not to have the tutor, I wouldn't have one for you, but that's not the case and I want what's best for you . . . but at the same time be understanding of how hard it truly is for a kid to be in this position.

I have found the sympathy and validation (and magical thinking-if I could make you not need it I would) to be really helpful and the kvetching still goes on but definitely not as strongly.

Good luck!

busymom

Fri, Nov 07 2014, 10:42 am

Dr. Pepper is right on. I had the same issue with my dd. we did all that talking, about how many talents she has, and that dif ppl are good at dif things, and just bc she needs help in one area that doesn't mean she's "dumb" (her words). We tried rewards. Everything.

In the end, it didn't help. She was becoming increasingly resentful and angry and began acting out in school. We decided to stop the tutoring temporarily, until she would want the help, at least just a teeny bit. I explained to the school that for now our goal was just that she should again be the happy kid she always was and not despise every minute of school. It took some time for her to come around, and now she does receive help again - grudgingly.

I think this happens with bright kids who are used to success and who have a lot of pride. They have no interest in individualized adult attention, which some kids really crave. You can try to make it work, but then sometimes you have to consider what will be most helpful-or damaging- in the long run.

seeker

Fri, Nov 07 2014, 11:05 am

I disagree with most of the above; I would NOT get into an argument about whether or not she needs it. Her stance right now is denying that she needs it and by saying things like "It's OK to have some things you're not as good at" or "I know you feel bad that it's not coming so easily for you" while those are good messages and validating to what she probably is really feeling inside, in this case they are invalidating because that's not what she's saying. Maybe in some other context you can find an opportunity to discuss how everyone has strengths and weaknesses, how it is not "weak" to accept help when needed, etc - and count on her to extrapolate as needed. But I would not talk directly to something she is denying.

Instead, until she is ready to discuss it head-on, I would prefer to de-escalate the situation to whatever extent you can. Use rewards or privileges if possible to sweeten the deal, see if you can discuss if it's something she feels she's missing out on - e.g. one previous poster mentioned the time it takes up, maybe she can be granted extra playing time later to compensate or an extra treat like playing on computer... again, as suited to your situation.

If she says she doesn't need help, I wouldn't argue the point. You could try phrasing it differently, e.g. "Sari is coming to do homework with you tonight" rather than "help you with homework" (and consider occasionally having Sari bring along milkshakes or something to have with the homework. On your bill of course... oh well) When she says she's the best in the class, simply say this is not about the rest of the class, it's about the best that you can be.

You can stick to facts - "On the last math test you received a 65. Abba and I feel that it would be good for you to do better. If your grades improve, we can discuss stopping the tutor." "Needs help" can be a matter of opinion, but "This is what we see" is a little harder to argue. But again, I'm not a fan of argument.

I would just avoid the argument and discussion as much as possible in this kind of denial/tantrum situation. You can try bringing it up at some neutral time but right now it doesn't sound to me like she's ready for that discussion. I would never advise going the route of "proving" to someone that they "need help."

Dolly Welsh

Sat, Nov 08 2014, 8:42 pm

Cancel the tutor.

Talk to the teacher.

The daughter needs to own this without reference to her parents at all.

The teacher's responsibility is to teach her math.

After the dust settles, leave some interesting books about math lying around.

If she is really having trouble with concepts, let the teacher work more with her or suggest a tutor to her. If it comes from the teacher, she might accept it.

Children often can hear and accept something from someone else much better than from their parents.

Bad news, or "you need help with this" is much easier to hear from an outsider.

Something about being math-helpless in front of her family is bothering her; back off.