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Friend is too cheap
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amother


 

Post Tue, Nov 11 2014, 12:31 pm
amother wrote:
Because I have to accomplish other things at the same spot and my kid asks for food right away. I do my best to feed them when we have left, but that doesn't always happen.


Other than a sentence or two to a parent or teacher, what else do you have to accomplish at pickup? other than picking up your kid....

Sorry, curious minds wanna know...
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amother


 

Post Tue, Nov 11 2014, 12:39 pm
black sheep wrote:
I cannot tell if this is OP or not, but this is the weirdest thing for a mother to do. you feed your son in front of all his hungry friends and don't share with them? I teach my kids at a very young age, you can only eat in front of others if they are also eating, or if you have enough to share with all of them. even my six year old knows this, how could a mother not know this? it is cruel to eat in front of hungry people. either bring enough to share, or wait a little longer to eat.


I don't want to have him wait a little longer to eat because other mothers can't be bothered to take care of their kids. I am not punishing my child for other people's mistakes.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Nov 11 2014, 12:40 pm
amother wrote:
Other than a sentence or two to a parent or teacher, what else do you have to accomplish at pickup? other than picking up your kid....

Sorry, curious minds wanna know...


I don't want to give to many details
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amother


 

Post Tue, Nov 11 2014, 12:42 pm
black sheep wrote:
I cannot tell if this is OP or not, but this is the weirdest thing for a mother to do. you feed your son in front of all his hungry friends and don't share with them? I teach my kids at a very young age, you can only eat in front of others if they are also eating, or if you have enough to share with all of them. even my six year old knows this, how could a mother not know this? it is cruel to eat in front of hungry people. either bring enough to share, or wait a little longer to eat.


I am not teaching my child to give the last crumb of his food to friends and stay hungry. It happens to him all the time when I am not around. I am teaching him to stand up for himself. You see, every child has his own issues.
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 11 2014, 1:57 pm
black sheep wrote:
I cannot tell if this is OP or not, but this is the weirdest thing for a mother to do. you feed your son in front of all his hungry friends and don't share with them? I teach my kids at a very young age, you can only eat in front of others if they are also eating, or if you have enough to share with all of them. even my six year old knows this, how could a mother not know this? it is cruel to eat in front of hungry people. either bring enough to share, or wait a little longer to eat.


I'm late to the conversation, but there are times when this is necessary. my daughter needs to drink a lot (medically), and I used to send her with three big juice boxes every day. she took pity on friends and gave them out. I told her she is absolutely not allowed to share these. similarly, there are kids who need to eat at certain intervals (for medical reasons, behavioral reasons, etc). the other kids are perfectly capable of asking their own moms to bring a snack or pack an extra one in their knapsacks. those kids are likely going to get a snack when they get home, and I bet they wouldn't ask for the snack if it was celery sticks. I used to bring snacks to my kids' bus stop daily, and I didn't mind sharing, but I can see how it would be annoying to do so.
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ora_43




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 11 2014, 1:58 pm
amother wrote:
maybe they are simply asking and understand they may get a no, which is perfectly reasonable behavior,

I disagree with this. It's not reasonable for people to just go ahead and ask for anything, just because the other person has the ability to say no.

It's not reasonable because among friends it's kind of assumed that you have at least as much respect for the other person's time and energy as for your own. So if someone asks their friends for a favor, they'll try really hard to say yes, on the assumption that their friend wouldn't have asked them without a good reason.

Like, if my friend asks me to make her dinner, I'll assume she must be sick, or her kids are sick, or something else bad is going on. So then I'd try really hard to do it, even at the expense of other stuff I had to do, because how could I not help my friend if she really needs it?

If she then said, "thanks - I just wasn't in the mood to cook today," I'd be furious. I could have said no - but I wouldn't have had the information necessary to choose between no and yes (namely, that my friend was being lazy and not respecting my time).

(If someone openly says "I'm feeling lazy today, can you cook for me?" then it just comes across as openly disrespectful. Which is a little better, I guess? But I think would wear on most people's nerves.)
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sky




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 11 2014, 2:28 pm
amother wrote:

4) If your husband is a handyman, and they are asking him to do work, then why doesn't your husband just say, "I'd be happy to do that for you. Since this is my parnassa, my rate is $XX an hour." Problem solved.
...
In general, I hate these posts where the OP is spending someone else's money. I can rant and rave for hours about the people I see who are on Foodstamps and Medicaid and have weekly cleaning ladies while I don't anyone. But it's none of my business.


when you feel like someone is using you to save more money then in some ways it does become your business. I do understand where OP is coming from. If someone is bragging about their finances and then asks to come for a shabbos meal to save or asks for free help then in some ways it does become your business. It never feels good to be used.

My DH isn't a handyman but he is handy, and gets asked all the time to fix plumbing, wood working, electric, etc. he would never take money and most of the time is happy to do it. But it can sometimes use a full Sunday. It is his only day off he has to spend with us. I wish people would think if they really need him before asking because he doesn't say no.
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SRS




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 12 2014, 4:40 am
I find using a gemach to pay off student loans interest free a bit shocking. Look, somehow this couple has picked up attitudes of entitlement. You still cannot be sure what their full picture is. But you can stop enabling them. Either schedule a favor in return or stop doing so many consuming favors.
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Peanut2




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 12 2014, 11:29 am
SRS wrote:
I find using a gemach to pay off student loans interest free a bit shocking. Look, somehow this couple has picked up attitudes of entitlement. You still cannot be sure what their full picture is. But you can stop enabling them. Either schedule a favor in return or stop doing so many consuming favors.

Not sure if that's exactly right. I understood that they took out an interest-free loan for educational purposes. There are specific gemachs for this purpose.
It's an interest-free loan, not a gift of money. The money has to be returned.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Nov 12 2014, 12:40 pm
Quote:
I cannot tell if this is OP or not, but this is the weirdest thing for a mother to do. you feed your son in front of all his hungry friends and don't share with them?

No, I'm OP, and whoever posted about the snack wasn't me.

Quote:
If someone is bragging about their finances and then asks to come for a shabbos meal to save or asks for free help then in some ways it does become your business. It never feels good to be used.

Yes! That's it exactly.

Quote:
My DH isn't a handyman but he is handy, and gets asked all the time to fix plumbing, wood working, electric, etc. he would never take money and most of the time is happy to do it. But it can sometimes use a full Sunday. It is his only day off he has to spend with us. I wish people would think if they really need him before asking because he doesn't say no.

That's my dh exactly! Even though he doesn't work as a handyman, a mechanic, or a computer tech guy, he's talented in all those areas so people are always asking him for help, and he has a hard time saying no. I understand and am happy when people who have money troubles ask him for help, but it rubs me the wrong way when these friends ask him if he'll "help" them do something (read: do it himself) that they could pay someone to do instead.
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SRS




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 12 2014, 12:44 pm
Peanut2 wrote:
Not sure if that's exactly right. I understood that they took out an interest-free loan for educational purposes. There are specific gemachs for this purpose.
It's an interest-free loan, not a gift of money. The money has to be returned.


If there is an interest free loan society specifically designated to helping people pay student loans affordability, then I'm not sure why the OP would consider it being "cheap" or taking advantage. Community money is limited and this isn't a cause that I would donate money to a Hebrew Free Loan society to fund, but I can see how many people would feel strongly about helping people get ahead by helping them get rid of their student loan interest payments.

I stand by my normal advice: say no and stop letting their middo sor lack of middos, positive frugality or miserliness occupy space rent free. If people feel taken advantage of and say no, they will get the message. If the OP just tells them her opinion, it probably will be hurtful for no positive purpose.


Last edited by SRS on Wed, Nov 12 2014, 3:12 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother


 

Post Wed, Nov 12 2014, 12:45 pm
Quote:
Not sure if that's exactly right. I understood that they took out an interest-free loan for educational purposes. There are specific gemachs for this purpose.

It was from a regular gemach, so they could pay for school in one lump sum and avoid having to pay interest, but they asked the gemach people beforehand if they could, and were told it was all right.

It surprised me when they did it, because if everyone in the community would take out gemach loans to pay off their student loans, the gemachs would be emptied and how would people who were truly in need manage? But the people who manage the gemach said it was fine, so okay.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Nov 12 2014, 12:48 pm
Quote:
It's not reasonable because among friends it's kind of assumed that you have at least as much respect for the other person's time and energy as for your own. So if someone asks their friends for a favor, they'll try really hard to say yes, on the assumption that their friend wouldn't have asked them without a good reason.

OP here. Yes!
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