abused child cannot fall asleep

amother

Tue, Nov 11 2014, 6:22 am

I'm taking care of an abused 2.5 year old for a few weeks. She watched her mother get hit and was punished with hitting by her father. I'm having a hard time with her in that she screams a lot even during the day, and bedtime is impossible.

How would you do bedtime with a child like this? She can scream for over an hour before she falls asleep in the crib. We sit with her. We tried holding her. We tried sitting there holding her hand. The whole time, she's screaming. We've tried letting her CIO, with and without someone in there with her. All the screaming is breaking our heads and hearts. Sad

newmom770

Tue, Nov 11 2014, 6:41 am

It could be she is suffering from being separated from her mother, she misses her mother. Does she see her mother at all? Such a separation can be severely traumatic at that age.

Im not a professional, but maybe offer her a prize if she lies down nicely or whatever? Maybe keep her outdoors at the park more to prevent daytime tears?
Maybe soft music or a story CD to listen to in bed she might fall asleep in the middle.

pickle321

Tue, Nov 11 2014, 6:41 am

amother wrote:

Whatever you do, do not let her cry it out, you need to build trust in her. Maybe let her lay in bed with you until she falls asleep however long it takes the poor child needs extra love an attention. Don't leave her if she's crying. You can get one of those toddler bed gate things.

the world's best mom

Tue, Nov 11 2014, 7:16 am

pickle321 wrote:

My thoughts exactly.

I believe that if you hold her or lay down with her every night, she will eventually begin to feel more secure and the screaming will probably stop. But this kid grew up in an abusive family. She loves her parents tremendously, and then she was snatched away from them and has no idea where they are. Right now she must be very fearful and insecure. The way to build her trust in you is to show her that you are there for her, especially when she is scared at night.

MrsButterfly

Tue, Nov 11 2014, 7:31 am

PLEASE whatever you do, don't let her cry it out!! Even if you need to bring a friend or someone else over to sit with her in there. Please, please don't leave her alone.

I know what you are doing is hard word and taxing. It's very commendable what you're doing! This girl really needs you now, though. I can understand if it's a lot to handle, but maybe bring someone else on board to help?

Last edited by MrsButterfly on Tue, Nov 11 2014, 7:32 am; edited 1 time in total

greenfire

Tue, Nov 11 2014, 7:32 am

a nice hot bath - a new blanky - or if she has one from her house that's special even better

all you can do is hold her & sing a lullabye

my heart breaks for her pain - she is having a double dose of anxiety having to deal with the abuse & needing her own mommy [whom she possibly imagines in her little mind she might not ever see again - btdt]

I am literally crying just thinking about what she is going through Teary Eyed

Shmaichel

Tue, Nov 11 2014, 7:44 am

Wow, you sound like such a special person for doing this!

Whatever method you see works a little, be consistent with it. Children need consistency and in an abusive home she probably did not have much of that.

Maybe let her have a special treat in her crib? Or put on some light sweet music, or buy a special colored night light- could be she's afraid of the dark...

Also, try repeating anything she sais to make her feel heard. If she sais "I don't wanna" say "you don't want to..." and empathize with her, Instead of just saying ok etc. Maybe she is used to only crying because no one would really hear what she said.

Hatzlacha rabba😘

amother

Tue, Nov 11 2014, 8:22 am

You could try taking her to a store and letting her pick something to sleep with. A blankey, stuffed animal, pillow etc. She needs to feel secure and that might help. Soft music, a special night light or lava lamp to look at. A picture of her mommy if thats appropriate. New jammies, and a special sippy cup for her to drink from.

Make bedtime as loving and familiar as possible. No matter what you do, do not let her see you are frustrated with her screaming.

You sound wonderful for taking care of her!

amother

Tue, Nov 11 2014, 8:49 am

OP here.

She's used to just falling asleep wherever, whenever. She was very neglected, and has only asked for her mother once. She's definately fighting against any rules or boundaries. She asked for a passi but she didnt come with one and wont take any that I've offered her. She goes down for a nap nicely, so maybe I just need to wear her out more and keep her up until she's really sleepy. She gets up around 630am, naps in the afternoon for 3 hours until 4pm. What time should I try to put her to bed?

I'll try to figure out if she's afraid of the dark. We do sit with her, but she screams the whole time, even while being held. We dont object to laying with her in a regular bed, but she's like a little tornado when she's awake and I'd be worried all night that she'll wake up and climb out of bed without our knowing it.

Thanks for any and all advice and support.

amother

Tue, Nov 11 2014, 9:12 am

I have some different ideas to add to the picture. I also grew up in an abusive home and witnessed such similar things. I couldn't fall asleep even as an adult, which was a combination of anxiety I developed from not be taught and exposed to healthy ideas, but also because I am just not a good sleeper. I did learn how to sleep nicely though and not be nervous when I'm not sleeping, but that involved a lot of therapy which is not applicable here.

A lot of times children from such homes may develop an unhealthy neediness to that non abused parent. It is not always the case, and was not the case with me, but sometimes is. For all you know, her mother ran to her when she needed comfort and slept in bed with her. The fact that she does not ask for her mother is not reflective of her lack of need for her; it may just mean she is afraid to ask. Her father probably did not like when she asked for her, and she probably wouldn't ask you either. She may not even know where her mother is. You cannot undo such a habit in a few weeks with a 2.5 year old.

So the bottom line is either way you have to give her security and trust; OVER consistency as another poster pointed out . Just hold her hand. Tell her you're there with her. That she is safe. Make her feel safe. Just say words like that, but don't leave her in a room yet. She doesn't have to have a sleep schedule or nay schedule that is consistent yet (it's much more important to feel safe and relaxed and free that to force someone to rules - the consistency comes later) and will not need that while she is at your home for a few weeks, but she does need to feel that you are there with her. It may also take time for her to accept that security, and since you are limited on time, you may just have a screaming girl (although I hope not) every night. I wish you a lot of luck: what you're doing is very kind.

ray family

Tue, Nov 11 2014, 9:18 am

amother wrote:

kuddos to you for taking her in. I'll agree w/ the others who said not to leave her to cio.
I would also say at 2.5 she does not need a 3 hr nap at 1 pm. what about moving it up a bit being that she's up since 6:30? or shorten the nap so she's tired at bedtime.
is she going outside, running around and letting out some energy?
those are obviously an aside to the emotional stuff that's more likely keeping her awake.

Liebs

Tue, Nov 11 2014, 9:34 am

imasinger wrote:

Hugs, poor her, and poor you!

Is there anyone you can talk to who can help you find out what she used for comfort at home -- a paci, a special blanket or toy?

Does she like being sung to or held?

I think you should speak to a social worker or someone who can find out from the mother what might help.

agree! breaks my heart for both of you.

Chances are that during the day she is busy and distracted and at that time her trauma is coming out. It's gota be traumatic for any healthy child even to go to aunt for 2 weeks while parents vacation is hard. Can't imagine what this is!

one thing I just heard in terms of babies-but prob applies here to-make going to sleep a positive experience. so Dr Sears I think it was (has website) says nurse your kids in bed, it's not spoiling it's building trust and making it a positive experience.

Good Luck and may you be blessed!!!

Chayalle

Tue, Nov 11 2014, 10:33 am

How long is she with you? I fostered a little boy who had been neglected, a few years ago. I remember there was a big adjustment period, and I remember that bedtimes were a nightmare in the beginning. He had absolutely no schedule. He woke at 3 am and was ready for play. And had no concept of self-soothing and being put down to sleep.

It will take time for her to adjust. If you are in the first two weeks, don't let her CIO, as right now she needs to learn to trust. After that, you may need to do that gradually, so that she gets used to being put to sleep normally. Here, I would recommend the Ferber method where you put her in bed/crib and come in at intervals, so that she gets the message that it's bedtime but doesn't feel abandoned.

Hatzlacha to you.