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Infertility trouble does NOT equal adoption by default!!!
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 19 2014, 1:44 pm
From another thread a poster wrote this and the bolded is what made my blood boil.
Quote:
Not having a baby is not the worst thing in the world. If it is to you, then you always adopt a child who needs a home.


I want to set the record straight for anyone who does not know anything about infertility or for those that think they know it all about infertility but in fact are being extremely insensitive about it.

from the post from the other thread, this is just one of the many STUPID things that people say about IF that they think are true by default, but in fact are not at all true.
Yes, there are many couples who have difficulty getting pregnant who will adopt, but it is not a for sure thing. There are so many couples out there that would never ever think of adopting, even if they never end up having children of their own.

If you really dont know about a subject, just keep quiet. Because if you dont, you just end up hurting people without even realizing it.

End rant. For now.
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heidi




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 19 2014, 1:49 pm
Just to add, it's not so easy to adopt a child. You can't just always adopt. Even if you so choose, which is certainly not a foregone conclusion for many IF couples.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Nov 19 2014, 1:50 pm
I'm the one who wrote that. Apparently I left out the word can. I didn't mean to exclusion.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 19 2014, 1:51 pm
The most hurtful comment (IMO) I ever got was the person who told me "Well you could just adopt".

Adopting is NOT for everyone. It may work for some people. For others it does not. For some, it's quite a journey to get there and make it work.

Agree with Shabbat - please don't say this to anyone with IF if you care about them.
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 19 2014, 1:52 pm
amother wrote:
I'm the one who wrote that. Apparently I left out the word can. I didn't mean to exclusion.
yeah, I got that. I was just showing you that just because a couple has IF does not mean that adoption is even on their radar, its not a for sure conclusion. One does not equal the other.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 19 2014, 1:53 pm
Infertility and adoption are both touchy subjects. When in doubt, keep your comments to yourself.

<--- infertile mother of adopted child
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 19 2014, 1:54 pm
amother wrote:
I'm the one who wrote that. Apparently I left out the word can. I didn't mean to exclusion.


It doesn't help.

I don't even know which thread this was on. So I'm just going by the quote Shabbat has above, and adding the word "can" and responding:

You should never know the pain of not having a baby when you want one. Don't tell someone with IF how bad it is, whether it's not the worst thing or whatever. Pain is not quantified and measured.

And adopting is not the end-all solution.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Nov 19 2014, 1:57 pm
Chayalle wrote:
It doesn't help.

I don't even know which thread this was on. So I'm just going by the quote Shabbat has above, and adding the word "can" and responding:

You should never know the pain of not having a baby when you want one. Don't tell someone with IF how bad it is, whether it's not the worst thing or whatever. Pain is not quantified and measured.

And adopting is not the end-all solution.


It was in response to an amother who through her IF into a thread that was giving sympathy to someone who had a baby right away and struggled. It wasn't thrown into a conversation where someone was asking for IF support.

And yes, I did say to stop comparing pain.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Nov 19 2014, 2:01 pm
Can you explain why adoption isn't an option for those who want a larger family than they can biologically can have?
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rising hero




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 19 2014, 2:01 pm
Confused
Ladies, if you dont know what to say, dont say it. If you think you do know, think again to make sure that you really do!
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 19 2014, 2:04 pm
amother wrote:
Can you explain why adoption isn't an option for those who want a larger family than they can biologically can have?
there are so many reasons why a couple cant or would not want to adopt but the two top ones that I always hear from those that tell me are money, doption can be very very expensive and wanting only biological children. Thats a big one. trust me. To be able to feel what its like to carry your own child is something special and amazing and not everyone wants to have someone else's child.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 19 2014, 2:06 pm
amother wrote:
Can you explain why adoption isn't an option for those who want a larger family than they can biologically can have?


It's an option if that family WANTS it and is comfortable with it. It's not anyone else's business to suggest it. When someone is experiencing IF, in many cases it's not just a child, any child, that they want. They want everything that comes along with pg, birth, having a child that is biologically their own....


Adoption is a whole different world.



With all due respect, love, admiration, etc...to all who have adopted.
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notshanarishona




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 19 2014, 2:13 pm
amother wrote:
Can you explain why adoption isn't an option for those who want a larger family than they can biologically can have?


Just a few reasons off the top of my head

1- Adoption does not have the same emotional satisfaction of giving birth to a child.
2- It is very hard to adopt babies. You are normally adopting an older child with emotional scars depending on the reason for adoption
3- Adoption takes years
4- Adoption costs a fortune
5- You/ your husband won't be able to touch the child after a certain times. Many complicated halachic sheialos with yichud and negiah.
6- It is hard to find a Jewish child and adopting a non Jew is controversial
7-I could go on and on..
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amother


 

Post Wed, Nov 19 2014, 2:24 pm
I followed that thread and following this one and I hate hate that im going to say this on a thread that is probably being followed by many women going through the hell of IF. I do not mean anyone specifically, and I hope please that no one get hurt by what I'm saying, but please everyone let's stop comparing and measuring pain, and judging others for feeling upset about something you wish you had. We are here in this world for tikkun, through suffering and through joy, and comparing our lot to others does not bring is closer to Hashem or to our goals.
Im saying this because that thread was about the difficulty of having a baby very early, and it went downhill from there. Please don't be offended when no hurt was meant.
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 19 2014, 2:25 pm
amother wrote:
I followed that thread and following this one and I hate hate that im going to say this on a thread that is probably being followed by many women going through the hell of IF. I do not mean anyone specifically, and I hope please that no one get hurt by what I'm saying, but please everyone let's stop comparing and measuring pain, and judging others for feeling upset about something you wish you had. We are here in this world for tikkun, through suffering and through joy, and comparing our lot to others does not bring is closer to Hashem or to our goals.
Im saying this because that thread was about the difficulty of having a baby very early, and it went downhill from there. Please don't be offended when no hurt was meant.
this thread is NOT about comparing pains. It was about one person's sentence that I wanted people to realize made no sense.
you should rather write this post in a different thread. This thread is not about what you are posting.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Nov 19 2014, 2:30 pm
shabbatiscoming wrote:
this thread is NOT about comparing pains. It was about one person's sentence that I wanted people to realize made no sense.
you should rather write this post in a different thread. This thread is not about what you are posting.

You're right. I just don't think that such comments to that woman are fair. I'll head back over there and say it there. Wink
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 19 2014, 2:32 pm
amother wrote:
You're right. I just don't think that such comments to that woman are fair. I'll head back over there and say it there. Wink
no, there was a spin off about compairing pain. maybe post there. I dont disagree with you, just thought that your post didnt really have anything to do with this thread.
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 19 2014, 2:41 pm
sorry for the pain you're put through due to lack of compassion & understanding Hug
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amother


 

Post Wed, Nov 19 2014, 8:05 pm
True.

But if you want to legally adopt an adult for purposes of passing on your inheritance money, think of me.

Wave

http://adoption.about.com/od/t.....t.htm
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amother


 

Post Wed, Nov 19 2014, 8:39 pm
amother wrote:
It was in response to an amother who through her IF into a thread that was giving sympathy to someone who had a baby right away and struggled. It wasn't thrown into a conversation where someone was asking for IF support.

And yes, I did say to stop comparing pain.



It's not just throwing in IF in that thread. It just burnt my eyes to see people complaining about something that people would give away anything to have that.

I can tell from your insensitivity that you're not aware of the people's pain who go through IF.
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