6yo DD stealing candy and lying about it

amother

Thu, Nov 20 2014, 7:49 pm

DD's teacher called. She caught DD with candy in her pocket that DD said she brought from home. The teacher suspected that DD had taken it from the teacher's desk drawer where she keeps candy for prizes, so she called to check with me. I don't have that kind of candy at home, so it looks like DD stole it. Yesterday after school she was rummaging around in my kitchen then went to her room for a while. When she came out I smelled candy on her breath. Again she tried to deny it but I eventually got out of her that she took it from our nosh cabinet. Today she tried again but I caught her on the way to her room with a lollypop in her pocket. Which she denied. When I asked what she has, she said nothing. And when I started to check her pockets she said, theres nothing in my pocket! And there was. I keep finding lollypop sticks in pockets and garbage cans.

Please help. How do I handle this? How to teach her that stealing candy and lying about it is not acceptable?

FranticFrummie

Thu, Nov 20 2014, 8:09 pm

Ugh. I hate this phase. Been there, done that. Mad

I'd start with the 10 commandments. Honor your mother and father, and don't lie. Remind her that even if she doesn't get caught, Hashem sees her.

For most kids, it's not so much about what gets stolen, it's about a feeling of power. Not only do they get power by taking things, if they get away with a lie that's even more power.

I would do a few things, I'd give her stricter boundaries, give her something around the house to be responsible for, and NOT give her treats if her siblings are getting some. For example, if she gets caught stealing, then the next Shabbos just say "I'm sorry, but you've already had your treat for this week. Maybe next week you won't steal, and then you can have a special treat with everyone else."

Read up on parenting with "natural consequences".

amother

Thu, Nov 20 2014, 9:59 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

For most kids, it's not so much about what gets stolen, it's about a feeling of power. Not only do they get power by taking things, if they get away with a lie that's even more power.

.

Psychobabble. When I was a kid I stole candy and cookies from wherever my mom hid them, all the time.Power had nothing to do with it. I just wanted the nosh, and if caught, lied to avoid getting punished. I'm still a noshaholic, but now I'm a grownup and buy my own.

zaq

Thu, Nov 20 2014, 10:07 pm

momX4 wrote:

Obviously she wants candy. Give her a way to earn it and teach her about moderation. Make sure she brushes her teeth and floss daily.

This. Where there is a simple explanation and a complex one, the simple one is more likely to be correct.

amother

Thu, Nov 20 2014, 10:07 pm

I'm not sure at this age I would put emphasis on the"stealing". I had similar experience with my son same age, but it wasn't just candy it was everything. We were professionally advised to teach him correct boundaries (of what's his and what is not) to the extreme. Anything that isn't his he can not bring home. He can not find anything. What's his he can't give away. And if he brought home a prize from school it had to be with a note from the teacher. Otherwise it was gently taken away never to be seen again. (The teacher/rebbe worked along.)
Never made a huge issue or long speech.
I'd kindly tell him let's check your drawer / pocket / briefcase to make sure everything belongs to you. Anything that wasn't his was taken without any fanfare. Just a simple gentle reminder that we can not take something that doesn't belong to you. We we're advised to completely ignore the lying to cover up part.
B"h I must say this really helped. He might still take things from others once in a while but he'll immediately confess and I see he is very aware that it is wrong. He has come a long way. But it took time and patience. It took at least 6 months till we saw real change. Just hang in there and be consistent.
If you have a guidance counselor / professional you can discuss it with that would be best. Then they can tailor the advice specifically for your child.

Amother to protect my son's privacy