Adopted Child - open about it?

amother

Fri, Nov 21 2014, 12:24 am

What do you think when you hear that a child is adopted?

How do think an adopted child feels if everyone is 'open' about it?

What about a foster child? Do they want it kept secret?

Does keeping it a secret maintain privacy? Or create shame?

I think keeping it a secret denies an important part of 'who' they are and what they've been through.

OTOH, maybe being open and hearing all those 'wow's when told about being an adopted or fostered child gives them confusing messages that they're deserving of pity. That something bad happened to them.

Also, what is the appropriate thing to say when you are told, this child is adopted? What do you say to the adoptive parents and to the adopted child?

PS. We have very recently officially adopted our foster DD (age 7). Mazal tov!!

grace413

Fri, Nov 21 2014, 1:27 am

Mazel Tov! May you have much nachas.

It's difficult to answer these questions, because everybody has different comfort levels. There is no one size fits all. For example, my DS much preferred to keep his adoption a private issue while younger DD had no compunction about it announcing it. Which means that DS's privacy was compromised by DD's openness but that's life. However, once a child is old enough to understand they should be given as much control over telling their story as possible.

Even when you are open about it, it's not a constant topic of conversation. Certainly nobody ever said "wow" or anything similar to my kids.

What to say when told a child is adopted? Mazel Tov, s/he's so cute, you should have nachas, enjoy. It's not polite to ask any details of the adoption unless you are are a very close friend.

The line between privacy and secrecy is somewhat porous and indeed tricky to deal with. Lying is generally not a good idea. People you meet in the supermarket are not entitled to the story of your life. I've employed evasive maneuvers when asked questions I don't care to answer. Most people change the subject, some just insist that they must know where my DD got that tiny little nose. Unfortunately, I've never been able to pull off the suggested reply of "Why do you ask/why do you want to know?"

I strongly recommend reading the book Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self by David M. Brodzinsky and Marshall D. Schecter. One of the things I like about this book is that it takes different personalities into consideration as opposed to a cookie-cutter approach.

amother

Fri, Nov 21 2014, 2:27 am

Thank you, Grace. OP here.

I've gotten comments addressed to me of, "Wow, you're amazing", while DD is standing right there. I worry she could think of herself as a chessed case. I try to buffer it with, "well, she's an amazing child."

My DD's story is hard, too, with two schizophrenic parents. I haven't figured out how to tell her, her story. What to put in and what to leave out. Whatever needs to be private, I cant tell to her because she's a big talker. But like now, I do tell my friends about her parents and then feel like I'm betraying DD. She doesn't even know the truth or what that truth even means.

What do you tell your children about their 'story'?

My DD knew her bio parents with parent visits once a week until she was 5yo. She idealizes them, even though they had obvious behavior problems.

Next week I hope to take a look online about that book rec. Thanks!

vicki

Fri, Nov 21 2014, 4:04 am

Mazal Tov, OP. Wishing you much nachat from your daughter.

Personally, I would not tell anyone anything that my adopted child did not already know and was comfortable about other people knowing.
I could never be angry at someone that told something that I had told them, even if it was clear -including by direct order - not to tell (does that make sense). The only irresponsible person would be me.

The 7 year old will one day be 14 then 21, etc. They get to choose who to tell and what is known of such personal information.

My opinion.

amother

Fri, Nov 21 2014, 6:50 am

in my family it wasnt really mentioned, not that there was something to hide. I do not look like my parents at all. I was introduced as my daughter.. I knew my adoption story. I knew that I was adopted. I did blab about it when I was younger, but as I got older I realized that not all communities are so open, my kids now dont know. I was adopted as a baby, and it was an international closed adoption.

amother

Fri, Nov 21 2014, 6:59 am

I was not adopted but my family always kept very quiet about the fact that one of my parents converted. I am pretty sure most people knew about it - once a girl in school (not a friend of mine) came up to me and asked "Is it true that your parent is a Ger?", but we didn't talk about it.

But it was very uncomfortable for me. I hate secrets. I now live in a different community then my siblings and parents and I am happy to share details of my family because personally, I am proud of my parent and I don't want it to be something to be ashamed of. I was kind of jealous of a friend of mine who also has a convert parent and was happy to talk about it. (it was her father and he kept his non Jewish sounding family name so it was pretty obvious.) I wished my family was so open.

Rubber Ducky

Fri, Nov 21 2014, 7:37 am

We fostered a child for years, and B"H people had enough sense not to ask prying questions in his presence. He looks nothing like us (different Jewish ethnicity) and at least one acquaintance assumed we had adopted him. Our foster son was embarrassed by the "differentness" of the whole situation.

I would let your daughter be the one in the lead here, whether that means sending out Mazel Tov We Have a New Daughter announcements and a having a Kiddush, or smiling while saying nothing.

Barbara

Fri, Nov 21 2014, 8:18 am

amother wrote:

Mazel tov!

Barbara

Fri, Nov 21 2014, 8:22 am

Rubber Ducky wrote:

Or throwing a party for OP and OP's DH, with only people who know how the child came to the family, celebrating the fact that OP/DH are so lucky to finally have DD as an official member of their family.

Barbara

Fri, Nov 21 2014, 8:30 am

grace413 wrote:

SNIP
The line between privacy and secrecy is somewhat porous and indeed tricky to deal with. Lying is generally not a good idea. People you meet in the supermarket are not entitled to the story of your life. I've employed evasive maneuvers when asked questions I don't care to answer. Most people change the subject, some just insist that they must know where my DD got that tiny little nose. Unfortunately, I've never been able to pull off the suggested reply of "Why do you ask/why do you want to know?"

People see what they want to see.

Yesterday, I saw a trailer for an upcoming documentary about a young woman who was raised Jewish, and always thought she was white. Objectively, looking at her, she, well, isn't. (And, as her mother eventually told her, her father was African American.) Indeed, she applied to college without responding to questions about race, and the school passed her name along to the African American Student Association, based on her photo. But since everyone thought she was white, they simply reconciled what they were seeing with that "fact."

So, chances are that when people ask about your DD's nose, they're not thinking "adoption," they're thinking "Great Aunt Mabel."

FranticFrummie

Fri, Nov 21 2014, 8:42 am

Mazel Tov!

There are so many variables here, it's hard to know what to say. My DD was adopted at birth, and from an open adoption. 11 years later, we're still very close to her birth family.

My brother is adopted, and when he was a teen he ran away and went to live with his bio dad. He came back realizing that bio dad was NOT mature enough to be a parent.

DD's best friend is adopted, and her birth mom is a drug addict who had had all of her other children taken away and placed in various homes around the country.

My BFF was adopted, and never knew anything about her birth family. It's taken her 60 years to learn to be OK with that.

I guess the best advice I can give you, is to play it by ear. 7 years old is old enough to have feelings and opinions about what is happening to her. Asking her how she wants things handled will give her a feeling of control during this huge transition phase, and will help guide you at the same time.

In case you haven't done this already, you need to ban all kinds of phrases like "given up", "given away", and "real mom". Any sort of phrase that is divisive, alienating, or judgmental needs to go right out the door. Spin things with as much positive energy as you possibly can, and emphasize all the good things in life.

For example, I've always told DD that her birth mom knew that she wasn't ready to be a mommy yet, and she loved DD so much that she made sure that she could find a home with someone who was older and had been waiting for a baby. Wasn't that nice of her? Of course you can't say that with an older child, but you get my drift.

When someone tells me I'm such an angel, saint, amazing person, whatever, for adopting, I always turn it back around to DD. "No, I'm the one who's blessed. She's such a great kid. I've waited my whole life for her."

I love talking about adoption, so if you want to PM or call me, I'm very open about it.

Enjoy your new addition!