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Anonymous letter... yes or no
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amother


 

Post Sat, Nov 22 2014, 8:57 pm
I am thinking of writing an anonymous letter to either the board members of my children's school or the principals asking for change. This is not the actual letter but my questions are: 1. Is the content inappropriate? 2. Should I send it? 3. If so, to whom.
If you think I should send it, I would love help writing it as I am clearly not an eloquent writer.

To whom it may concern,

We all hopefully have the same goal. To mold happy productive children into happy productive adults. Educators are given the difficult task of challenging each individual student intellectually while maintaining a healthy emotional self image. The emotional aspect is extremely important and it is the emotional aspect I'd like to mainly focus on.

My goal is to change the way teachers speak to parents and point out self esteem shattering comments made to children.

(these are things either said to me, done or said to my kids, or reported to me by my kids. I am not going to list them like this in the letter but would love help wording it appropriately)

1. Told at parent teacher conferences by my son's Rebbe that he is a little feminine.
2. Sat down for parent teacher conferences and the first thing teacher says is that my son is nothing like my daughter (thanks for comparing them for me) and that he was a "poor student".
3. Daughter reports that a teacher told a student not to ask stupid questions. ( this was not a student who was trying to be silly)
4. Rebbe says " I was looking forward to having son as a student but now..."
5. Told by the principal that there is a time and place for thinking and first grade is not the time or place. First grade is for skill building. (how exactly should I tell my son not to think)
6. Daughter told me that a student asked to be taken out for special help. Teacher says I'll speak to your parents about it. Student says she wants to be taken out by teacher x. Teacher says that a different student is taken out by teacher x. She says I want to go too. Teacher says that the other student "has her own problems"
7. DSs Rebbe tells him he better pay better attention in class tomorrow. Then proceeds to ask the class "who thinks ds should pay better attention in class tomorrow.
8. DS has special spelling tests given to him in 2nd grade. I was told the assistant would take him out of the room to give him the test so as not to embarrass him (my request). DS comes home in tears that teacher gave the class their spelling test and then gave him his test afterward in front of the entire class.
9. After calling Rebbe and explain that ds is very fragile and self conscious and that he gets very nervous when put on the spot. Rebbe says "so you want me to ignore him" I say what? and he continues "you want me to treat him like a piece of furniture?"

I could go on.
I think the school needs to educate teachers about the importance of a student's emotional well being and the school needs to educate teachers on how to speak to parents.

Completely inappropriate or not? Obviously not written like this.

P.S. I know that some people may have figured out who I am but please don't "out" me.
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MaBelleVie




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 22 2014, 9:10 pm
Why anonymous? I think you should have an open dialogue with them that can result in real changes. I don't see an anonymous letter having that effect.
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imdl




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 22 2014, 9:15 pm
Don't send it anonymously. You have plenty of valid points and they should be addressed, but an anonymous letter is not going to help. Make an appointment with the principal, or send a letter first if you like and make a follow-up appointment, and you can go to the board afterwards if you fee like your complaints are not being taken seriously, but you need to do all of this with your own name.
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granolamom




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 22 2014, 9:25 pm
wow. that is some list of grievances. in my experience, unfortunately, the fish stinks from the head. usually, a hanhala hires teachers who are in line with their own educational philosophies. so if this is a one-off thing,meaning one bad teacher in a school full of average to good teachers, then yes, set up a face to face meeting with the principle to address the changes that need to be made. but if you are finding that in general, this is the type of teacher in this school, than I highly doubt the administration will do anything about it. at best, they will give you face time and possibly 'yes you' but be prepared for them to tell you how you and/or your child are too sensitive or at fault. and in the interim, start looking for another school if possible.

oh to answer your questions, very appropriate content, do not send a letter, meet with the principle. jmo.
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amother


 

Post Sat, Nov 22 2014, 9:34 pm
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my megilla and answer my questions.

The reason I thought to do it anonymously is because I didn't want it to negatively effect my children. As in, I am afraid they would take out their anger of me criticizing them on my kids.


Do you think I should read it (or have my husband read it.. I have a fear of public speaking) at a board meeting where the board and the hanhala would be present? Would that be better?

OP
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kb




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 22 2014, 9:41 pm
No. That would be a thousand times worse. No one wants to be embarrassed in public. Talk to one member of the administration and make it clear that you're not attacking just concerned.
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momtra




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 22 2014, 9:54 pm
The comments listed are unacceptable.
You should go to an administrator that you have a relationship with and that you know will follow through.
I would say that you believe the Rebbe /teacher wants the best for your child (if you do believe that)
and that going forward the communication needs to be less personal and more goal oriented.

IMO you should also let your kids know that being spoken to /treated like that is not ok.
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granolamom




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 22 2014, 9:59 pm
amother wrote:
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my megilla and answer my questions.

The reason I thought to do it anonymously is because I didn't want it to negatively effect my children. As in, I am afraid they would take out their anger of me criticizing them on my kids.


Do you think I should read it (or have my husband read it.. I have a fear of public speaking) at a board meeting where the board and the hanhala would be present? Would that be better?

OP


just my opinion, but no one is going to take an anonymous letter like that seriously unless he is committed to creating a learning environment that nurtures the soul of every child. in which case, you might as well sign it because he will not take it out on your kid, he will be embarrassed and appalled at the things on your list.
if you feel, knowing the principle, that your child will be negatively affected, then I recommend keeping your mouth shut and just trying to keep up with damage control at home and hope for a better year next year. or find another school.

also, in my experience, which could be vastly different from yours, it depends on the school of course, school boards are often just the 'public face' of the administration, used to hide behind or justify decisions to the parents. you'd have to find out how the board functions before you'd bring this to them, and really going to the board sounds like going above the principle's head. I think you'd want to not do that without going to the principle first.

what kind of relationship do you have with the hanhala? maybe start a dialog, my moishie's not happy this year I'd like to discuss it with you and see what we can do about it. go slow and gauge your response to what you hear. if principle says 'oh well rabbi x is a fabulous rebbe, we've never had any complaints about him' then you are talking to a wall. if he seems interested and receptive, you can give a general statement or two, but I'd save particulars until asked if you can give an example. if you attack a teacher and you're talking to a principle who values the PR of the school over the neshamas in his care, you will definitely be making it worse for your son. its a delicate dance here. you have to know who you are talking to. which is one reason I would not put anything in writing, you dont know who will see it.
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groisamomma




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 22 2014, 10:09 pm
Since I was a child, and now as a teacher, I have noticed that the children whose parents are more vocal get treated much, much better than those whose parents are indifferent. The rebbi or teacher knows he will be held accountable, so he thinks five times before he makes a negative comment to or about your child. If you choose to send a letter, definitely do not send it anonymously. If you can, meet with a member of the administration and stress that your child(ren) do not know you are here, and that your goal is to work with the school and not to throw any particular rebbe or teacher under the bus. Simply state that you are concerned about the environment and that you see it affecting your children negatively. Don't make it about the rebbe/teacher (but do throw in those comments made as examples), make it about the hurt you feel and the effects this environment is having on your child.

Dh and I went to meet with DD's principal because her teacher was making comments that concerned me. We did not tell her we went (she loves her teacher, and did not see anything wrong with the things she was repeating in her name) and I was pleasantly surprised that the principal was so willing to help us. DH told me not to make it about the teacher, just to say I'm concerned about the environment and the effect it is having on DD. I did throw in some examples of comments she had repeated and the principal promised to address them by talking to the teacher, but mostly she said she will look out for DD and keep her eyes and ears open.

Definitely do not read it at a board meeting unless you have tried going to the administration first. You will only end up looking like a meddlesome parent out to make trouble, and your kids will ultimately suffer for it. Good luck.
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amother


 

Post Sat, Nov 22 2014, 10:36 pm
It sounds like most of your disappointments are with your son's teachers. Is he in the right type of school?
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MaBelleVie




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 22 2014, 10:41 pm
I would start by discussing this year's concerns with the administrator directly above this year's rebbi.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Nov 23 2014, 12:04 am
Following. Having some similar issues and am deciding between contacting one administrator I have a good rapport with or sending a letter to the larger administration.
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flmommy




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 23 2014, 12:09 am
Unless this year is unusually disappointing I think you should look at other schooling options. Too many problems to address.
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SRS




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 23 2014, 3:32 am
I don't think I would have any patience for this! I wish I could look at this list and say, these items must not be in context because there are times that I think parents are too rough and I certainly don't like to nitpick every little thing under the idea that we are all people and sometimes we say stupid things and stick our foot down our throats. But, this is quite a list of grievances and a few are rather jarring and point to an educational philosophy that it doesn't sound like you are on board with such as #5. It also sounds like your son is not in their box and that they may not be able to educate him with the appropriate sensitivity or in a way that is appropriate for him. I'm just appalled by #8. And regarding #9, it doesn't sound like the Rebbe's have much training.

If you are afraid of signing the letter and walking in to discuss each item, I think you should ask if this is the school you want educating your children. If you are afraid of retribution being paid on your children, all the more so. You should be able to have a conversation about each item on the list with some administrator or supervising teacher. If you can't, you have a major question to ask yourself regarding the school.

If you are committed to this school, there is no choice but to be on top of the school about what in the world is going on. If you think there is a school that would better serve your children, perhaps you just want to move on. I'd probably be thinking about the big move if my child were being singled out for a different spelling exam. If the teachers cannot set up their learning environment in a way that children are not put on the spot, singled out, or ignored for being out of the box, forget it.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Nov 23 2014, 5:52 am
SRS wrote:
I don't think I would have any patience for this! I wish I could look at this list and say, these items must not be in context because there are times that I think parents are too rough and I certainly don't like to nitpick every little thing under the idea that we are all people and sometimes we say stupid things and stick our foot down our throats. But, this is quite a list of grievances and a few are rather jarring and point to an educational philosophy that it doesn't sound like you are on board with such as #5. It also sounds like your son is not in their box and that they may not be able to educate him with the appropriate sensitivity or in a way that is appropriate for him. I'm just appalled by #8. And regarding #9, it doesn't sound like the Rebbe's have much training.

If you are afraid of signing the letter and walking in to discuss each item, I think you should ask if this is the school you want educating your children. If you are afraid of retribution being paid on your children, all the more so. You should be able to have a conversation about each item on the list with some administrator or supervising teacher. If you can't, you have a major question to ask yourself regarding the school.

If you are committed to this school, there is no choice but to be on top of the school about what in the world is going on. If you think there is a school that would better serve your children, perhaps you just want to move on. I'd probably be thinking about the big move if my child were being singled out for a different spelling exam. If the teachers cannot set up their learning environment in a way that children are not put on the spot, singled out, or ignored for being out of the box, forget it.


I see several people questioned if DS is in the right school. Good question! I have to agree that it is probably not the right fit but I do not think switching him would be a good solution. He is already at an age where switching him would be very difficult and he is already the type of kid who has a hard time with change. I would have to send him out of the community schools and I feel that we be very difficult for him socially as well. He is an "out of the box" kid but aren't many kids that way? Also, I want to point out that I had him tested for LD and there are no obvious ones and he is a very bright/mildly gifted kid. All of this making him feel stupid is extremely frustrating.
When ds came home and told me #8 I burst out crying too. That was such a terrible year for him. The teacher made him feel stupid and worthless and he became somewhat suicidal. His self esteem was completely shot.
It seems my 2 choices are either to speak with the administrators directly or let it go and do damage control at home.
I'm not sure which choice would be best.
OP
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shirachadasha




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 23 2014, 7:13 am
It was difficult for me just to read that list of incidents. I can't imagine being the parent or child in that class / school.

And here's another thing I can't grasp. You believe that if you write this letter anonymously, they won't figure out who you are. What that means to me is that you think that so many families in this school have similar enough experiences that yours just blends with the rest. If that's the case, I can't imagine the school making a drastic enough change to provide acceptable chinuch to any child.
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 23 2014, 9:26 am
I don't really think a letter is going to change an entire school - be it anonymous or direct

this sounds more like you need to take your son out of that school ASAP !!!
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amother


 

Post Sun, Nov 23 2014, 9:46 am
groisamomma wrote:
Since I was a child, and now as a teacher, I have noticed that the children whose parents are more vocal get treated much, much better than those whose parents are indifferent. The rebbi or teacher knows he will be held accountable, so he thinks five times before he makes a negative comment to or about your child. If you choose to send a letter, definitely do not send it anonymously. If you can, meet with a member of the administration and stress that your child(ren) do not know you are here, and that your goal is to work with the school and not to throw any particular rebbe or teacher under the bus. Simply state that you are concerned about the environment and that you see it affecting your children negatively. Don't make it about the rebbe/teacher (but do throw in those comments made as examples), make it about the hurt you feel and the effects this environment is having on your child.

Dh and I went to meet with DD's principal because her teacher was making comments that concerned me. We did not tell her we went (she loves her teacher, and did not see anything wrong with the things she was repeating in her name) and I was pleasantly surprised that the principal was so willing to help us. DH told me not to make it about the teacher, just to say I'm concerned about the environment and the effect it is having on DD. I did throw in some examples of comments she had repeated and the principal promised to address them by talking to the teacher, but mostly she said she will look out for DD and keep her eyes and ears open.

Definitely do not read it at a board meeting unless you have tried going to the administration first. You will only end up looking like a meddlesome parent out to make trouble, and your kids will ultimately suffer for it. Good luck.

I don't find this to be true. I spent the last four years standing up for my son to be treated nicely by his classmates and to get a decent education. Although, my son was not officially kicked out of school, the principal "helped" me find another school for him. My mother warned me if I go down this road, he would probably get kicked out. I am not a demanding mother but my son's class was full of bullies. The rebbi couldn't handle the class. The English teacher was constantly absent and the boys had a parade of substitute teachers. I just wanted him in a safe environment where he would learn something.
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SRS




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 23 2014, 10:03 am
amother wrote:

When ds came home and told me #8 I burst out crying too. That was such a terrible year for him. The teacher made him feel stupid and worthless and he became somewhat suicidal.


Suicidal is a BIG word. If he was truly leaning that way I think pulling him, even if difficult, it would fall under pikuach nefesh. Even no education (temporarily) would be better than an education that is driving a child to talk about suicide.

Quote:
It seems my 2 choices are either to speak with the administrators directly or let it go and do damage control at home.
I'm not sure which choice would be best.
OP


Don't discount the option of moving him. Do yourself a favor and when the January break rolls around, enroll him in the public school for a week. It will give you a chance to test him willingness to switch environments and to see the difference in school environments. If you find he is capable of changing, you can look for an appropriate private school.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Nov 23 2014, 10:21 am
SRS wrote:
Don't discount the option of moving him. Do yourself a favor and when the January break rolls around, enroll him in the public school for a week. It will give you a chance to test him willingness to switch environments and to see the difference in school environments. If you find he is capable of changing, you can look for an appropriate private school.


Suicidal is a big scary word. Especially for a 2nd grader. By the end of the year he would cry that he was worthless and why was he ever born. My life is worthless and I don't want to live. It was a dark scary time for us.
B"H he is much happier now. It took a tremendous amount of time and patience. Lots of private talks and self esteem building exercises. His English teacher the following year worked with us to try to build his self esteem (unfortunately his Rebbe had enough of him by the end of the year) and I did an amazing thing for him over the summer. I kept him home and it was amazing for him. I had no idea what a change that would make for him. B"H he is a much happier kid now.
As for switching him, do you really think it is so different in other schools? There are good teachers and bad teachers in every school and I think most Jewish dayschools/Yeshivas only know how to teach one kind of child and as I said, he is not a cookie cutter kid.
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