Shidduch rejected before hearing it...WTD?

amother

Mon, Nov 24 2014, 1:43 am

I had a theoretically good idea for a shidduch for someone I know (trying to be vague in case they are on here but:not a relative). It was rejected pretty much before hearing the city the person was from or anything about them! Pretty clear early on it was a waste of time. No reason given and no expression of "interesting idea" or at the end (I was able to say a little about the other side) no "we'll look into it and if we hav questions I'll ask you. Is this thE best way to reach you?"
I am disappointed because I felt a lightbulb go off when I came up with it. I feel it was rejected because I am a "younger wife/mother" (not 19 but still young) and not the typical shadchan.
Is it a thing that people only accept resumes from "established" shadchanim or rabbanim and not "lay people" like me who may have made shidduchim but it isn't our day job and we are not known for it? They are Very yeshivish.
Do people expect that shadchanim only be people who hav married kids?
Is it polite to try to find someone else who may know both parties and has married kids/is much older than I to re-redt it? Wait? Or too pushy? I don't care about the credit but I really wanted the suggestion to be at least heard and not brushed off so simply. I really think there might be something there.

Mon, Nov 24 2014, 1:53 am

Wait a while, it's possible the person is about to get engaged. If nothing happens, you can call back (maybe in a month?) and say you know, I had suggested so and so a while back and I still think it's a good idea, and would be happy to suggest it. But if you'd rather someone else be shadchan, I would be fine with that too. If you have a reason not to pursue this idea, can you give me an idea why you weren't interested just in case I think of a different idea.

Tizki lemitzvos!

imasinger

Mon, Nov 24 2014, 6:18 am

It was really sweet of you to try.

If you think it was because you are young, maybe try going to a person in the family who is closest in age to you with an idea first?

Also, keep in mind that good boys can be overwhelmed with "suggestions", and yet another is not as much appreciated when there is a long list already.

Please don't let one person's reaction stand in the way of your continuing to think about your friends!

amother

Mon, Nov 24 2014, 7:59 am

There could be something you don't know between them that they don't want to talk about. I don't think it has to do with your age. I made a shidduch when I was 15 and 20. You might have to be a little pushy and more assertive. I want to add that I think there are some ppl who do like to go through shadchanim, it's not unheard of a family asking that the shidduch go through a shadchan they know. I stay away from those type of ppl. I made shidduchim for ppl who were appreciative and didn't mind that I was a young girl. Granted my parents helped out with the shidduch I made when I was younger.

Raisin

Mon, Nov 24 2014, 9:32 am

amother wrote:

there is two parts to making a shidduch...one is suggesting a name, the other is acting as a go between. (not everyone needs or wants that) A relative suggested our shidduch but my parents used an experienced shadchen as a go between.

amother

Mon, Nov 24 2014, 5:17 pm

What they all said. many reasons to say no that have nothing to do with you, OP, or any perceived chisaron in you. While I'd probably be evasive and say "Let me get back to you if dc is interested," saying no right away is really kinder and more honest because it's not giving you false hope.

amother

Mon, Nov 24 2014, 10:14 pm

So I know that he isn't seeing anyone right now. And while he is a "good guy" I don't think he has a list. And it would be quite improbable they already dated. Not only two different cities but 2 different states (and not tri-state close either).
I wouldn't have minded or pushed even if mom said "he is dating now/looking into someone now" or even we have a long list. Just give me some lame excuse at least or a we'll look into it. Don't make me feel like a fool for trying.

zaq

Mon, Nov 24 2014, 10:36 pm

[quote="amother"]So I know that he isn't seeing anyone right now. And while he is a "good guy" I don't think he has a list./quote]

Says you. You have any idea how many people "know" things that are totally wrong? Not everyone posts their status on FB and not everyone boasts about having a stack of resumes a foot high. The mother does not really owe you any sort of explanation, though she could have been more diplomatic in her refusal. Maybe she was abrupt because she is tired of people pouncing on her with suggestions for shidduchim that are not remotely shayach, just because she has a son of marriageable age.

Or the young man's mother may in fact feel that due to your background and social status or lack thereof, you couldn't possibly know anyone she would consider suitable. There, I have said the unthinkable. So allow yourself to feel bad for about thirty seconds and then move on. If the shidduch is bashert then the KBH will make it happen--but He is not obligated to make it happen through you. And if it is not bashert then the KBH has just saved you a lot of work for nothing.

The mother could have chosen a nicer way to say no, but you need to get over it and not take it as a personal rejection. Yes, some people probably do work only through professionals or only through people they know very well. Don't be discouraged--lots of people take suggestions from many sources. If this idea didn't pan out, maybe the next one will.

amother

Mon, Nov 24 2014, 11:16 pm

When a close friend was in shidduchim for her children, a prominent rav told her not to say negative things about the person recommended by the shadchan if she had no interest in pursuing it. He said there was no reason to diminish someone else's child and in that zechus her own children would get married easily. And that's what happened. If she had no interest she would just thank the shadchan and say that it wasn't something her son/daughter had an interest in pursuing.

OP, don't take this personally. This probably has absolutely nothing to do with you. The family might not have wanted to say anything negative OR as other posters have mentioned, there could be other reasons that you are not privy to.

Fox

Tue, Nov 25 2014, 2:07 pm

zaq wrote:

Or the young man's mother may in fact feel that due to your background and social status or lack thereof, you couldn't possibly know anyone she would consider suitable. There, I have said the unthinkable. So allow yourself to feel bad for about thirty seconds and then move on. If the shidduch is bashert then the KBH will make it happen--but He is not obligated to make it happen through you. And if it is not bashert then the KBH has just saved you a lot of work for nothing.

This.

Also keep in mind that the derech teveh is midda keneged midda. If the family rejected your suggestion frivolously, they'll likely be part of the chorus of voices complaining that their daughter can't find a shidduch.