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How are you in a crowd/group setting?



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amother


 

Post Tue, Nov 25 2014, 7:41 am
Why do I become so shy in group settings?? I barely contribute to conversations when there are more than 7-8 people. Otherwise, with 1 or 3-4 people I always speak up and add to the conversation.

I'm trying to figure out why it's so?
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JMM-uc




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 25 2014, 7:43 am
I am not there Wink
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chani8




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 25 2014, 7:53 am
It's called being introverted. Smile

There is nothing wrong with you!
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amother


 

Post Tue, Nov 25 2014, 7:55 am
chani8 wrote:
It's called being introverted. Smile

There is nothing wrong with you!


Why does it bother me?! Why can't I accept myself for who I am? Silly me Rolling Eyes
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 25 2014, 8:00 am
It may even depend on the crowd! some will bring you out, some can make a tv anchor feel bad Wink
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cinnamonlover




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 25 2014, 8:00 am
amother wrote:
Why does it bother me?! Why can't I accept myself for who I am? Silly me Rolling Eyes

If it bothers you then perhaps you have a social issue. Healthy introverts usually feel comfortable even when they are quiet.
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Grandma 1




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 25 2014, 8:27 am
You should read the New York Times bestseller "Quiet" by Susan Cain.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Nov 25 2014, 8:32 am
Grandma 1 wrote:
You should read the New York Times bestseller "Quiet" by Susan Cain.


What's it about?
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chani8




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 25 2014, 9:35 am
cinnamonlover wrote:
If it bothers you then perhaps you have a social issue. Healthy introverts usually feel comfortable even when they are quiet.


Then I wasn't a healthy introvert for most of my life. It took reading all the theories of personality types to finally understand and accept my introversion. Now I am fine with it, and my introverted teens are way better off than I ever was because I've taught them about personality differences, awareness and acceptance.

I think OP should read up on the Myers Briggs Personality Scale. Miriam Adahan, a jewish author, even has a book on it.
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yogabird




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 25 2014, 9:38 am
cinnamonlover wrote:
If it bothers you then perhaps you have a social issue. Healthy introverts usually feel comfortable even when they are quiet.

Not necessarily if they live in a society where extrovertedness is the accepted normal, which most of us do.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Nov 25 2014, 9:41 am
chani8 wrote:
Then I wasn't a healthy introvert for most of my life. It took reading all the theories of personality types to finally understand and accept my introversion. Now I am fine with it, and my introverted teens are way better off than I ever was because I've taught them about personality differences, awareness and acceptance.

I think OP should read up on the Myers Briggs Personality Scale. Miriam Adahan, a jewish author, even has a book on it.


Would you know which number and introvert is? I have Miriam Adahans book home but didn't look into it yet.
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babysmum




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 26 2014, 7:42 am
Miriam Adahan has a couple of books. If you are asking which number than I am assuming you are talking about Awareness which is about the eeneagram. A few number can be either those include 4,5,9 and 1 for sure maybe others too.
The book Chani was talking about discusses more about being introverted vs extroverted. It's about the Myers Briggs system I am not sure what she calls her book.
I am introverted too and those books have helped me a lot.
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chani8




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 26 2014, 8:45 am
babysmum wrote:
Miriam Adahan has a couple of books. If you are asking which number than I am assuming you are talking about Awareness which is about the eeneagram. A few number can be either those include 4,5,9 and 1 for sure maybe others too.
The book Chani was talking about discusses more about being introverted vs extroverted. It's about the Myers Briggs system I am not sure what she calls her book.
I am introverted too and those books have helped me a lot.


Miriam Adahan's "Appreciating People" book discusses the Myers Briggs system.

I'm an INTP. And a 1 with a 9 wing on the Enneagram.
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sky




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 26 2014, 8:59 am
If I know everyone I am fine.
If I don't then I am silent.
If I know some it can go either way.

Recently I went to an event alone. I was so proud of myself that I went but once I was there I was miserable. Most women there knew each other. One other lady at the table was also alone, and she also looked shy. We said hello, introduced ourselves. Spoke for 1 minute about the common denominator that brought us there and we were done. I could think of nothing else to say and felt stupid the rest of the night. And I felt bad because I think the other lady felt the same (or at least that is how it appeared.

I wish I was comfortable making conversation with people I don't know, but I am not. So I always go with people I know.

How does knowing your type make you more comfortable in group settings? or is just an awareness?
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amother


 

Post Wed, Nov 26 2014, 9:04 am
chani8 wrote:
It's called being introverted. Smile

There is nothing wrong with you!


That's not what being introverted means at all. Even EXTREME introverts can do extremely well in group settings and can even take leadership positions if necessary. Introverts PREFER alone time, and feel exhausted by group settings. If you feel uncomfortable in a group setting and cannot express yourself properly you may have anxiety or another issue that should be addressed. Dismissing it as introverted characteristics is wrong. I'm an introvert who HATES being around people. I spend 99% of my day alone BH and have no crave for interaction. When I'm forced to go between people and I'm in a group everyone is drawn to me. Everyone wants to hear me speak and if I'm not anxious I make the best impression imaginable. If I'm anxious because of other reasons I'll say hurtful comments. That has nothing to do with being introverted. Introverted and social anxiety are NOT CONNECTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When I go to a chasuna and stand on the side I feel BH very good, I have my space and am able to observe; however if I must interact with people I'll do perfectly if I can keep my anxiety (which is not connected to introverted tendencies) in control.
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Scrabble123




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 26 2014, 9:13 am
sky wrote:
If I know everyone I am fine.
If I don't then I am silent.
If I know some it can go either way.

Recently I went to an event alone. I was so proud of myself that I went but once I was there I was miserable. Most women there knew each other. One other lady at the table was also alone, and she also looked shy. We said hello, introduced ourselves. Spoke for 1 minute about the common denominator that brought us there and we were done. I could think of nothing else to say and felt stupid the rest of the night. And I felt bad because I think the other lady felt the same (or at least that is how it appeared.

I wish I was comfortable making conversation with people I don't know, but I am not. So I always go with people I know.

How does knowing your type make you more comfortable in group settings? or is just an awareness?


I'm an introvert. I don't like attended events because the issue is not interacting with people, it's being surrounded by them. I do like to go out alone, and would never think of "bringing a friend to an event." If I saw someone at the other side of the table I would not initiate conversation just because we're both alone. I don't need that interaction. I would however interact if I felt like working on myself and acknowledging the importance of interaction. It depends on what I was aiming to accomplish. I definitely would not feel silly about it. That's probably because I'm an INTJ and a 5 on the Enneagram of which I'm not a fan.

I don't think that acknowledging your type is always useful.

Some people distort it. For example, they will say that being an introvert gives them permission to have social anxiety. They will then not work on the social anxiety, when in reality those are two different things. Being introverted does not mean having social anxiety.

Sometimes it is useful to know because it helps you find ways to push your boundaries. For example, one may say I'm a N so I find it difficult to bake, cook, etc. Such a person will decide to "develop" that S and offer validation to their N when they forced to cook.

Honestly, people are really a combination of so much more than just numbers. Falling into a "type" or "category" is acceptable when you are fully aware of its implications and trust yourself not to correlate two differing concepts together. Since the gemora didn't trust us women with that "tiflus" I'm not sure if you should too.. That was just a sweet joke not to be taken to heart.
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chani8




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 26 2014, 9:23 am
Amother: If OP can speak to a group of 3 or 4 people, that doesn't sound like social anxiety.

I wouldn't speak up in a crowd of 7 or 8 people either. That would take too much extroverted energy.
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Scrabble123




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 26 2014, 10:08 am
chani8 wrote:
Amother: If OP can speak to a group of 3 or 4 people, that doesn't sound like social anxiety.

I wouldn't speak up in a crowd of 7 or 8 people either. That would take too much extroverted energy.


Interesting because for me, speaking to 1 person is just as difficult as 8, 20, or 100. Not so much the anxiety, but just that I do not need that interaction and it costs so much of my emotional energy. Before I do it I encourage myself and go over the pros and cons and the growth that can happen from the conversation, but anything that involves other people is very draining to me.
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chani8




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 26 2014, 10:24 am
Scrabble123 wrote:
Interesting because for me, speaking to 1 person is just as difficult as 8, 20, or 100. Not so much the anxiety, but just that I do not need that interaction and it costs so much of my emotional energy. Before I do it I encourage myself and go over the pros and cons and the growth that can happen from the conversation, but anything that involves other people is very draining to me.


I think we are in agreement. It's about using up energy. I can speak to 100 if I'm scheduled to speak in a professional context, but to 'speak up' in a lite social group, forget it, too much work.
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Scrabble123




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 26 2014, 10:27 am
chani8 wrote:
I think we are in agreement. It's about using up energy. I can speak to 100 if I'm scheduled to speak in a professional context, but to 'speak up' in a lite social group, forget it, too much work.


Gotcha. I don't participate in "unscheduled" events. In the rare chance that I would, it's such a shocker for me that I cannot tell you how it would work out. That would be the J, I assume.
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