Do I have to tell the boys side how many ppl I am inviting?

amother

Wed, Nov 26 2014, 10:18 pm

Quick question

If I am paying for the chassuna and the boys side is paying for FLOP and we decided on 400 guests and I give 200 to the boy and I decide to have 50 to 100 more people which of course I am paying for do I have to tell them?

granolamom

Wed, Nov 26 2014, 10:25 pm

you probably dont have to tell them because the way you have it structured, their portion of the bill wont change. BUT you may want to let them know incase they get to the wedding and feel like its 'your party' if your guests greatly outnumber theirs. they may choose to invite more people (and foot the bill for the extra dinners) as well. and you never know, they may for whatever reason, prefer to have a 'smaller' wedding and if they show up, see that although you agreed to 400 you brought 100 extra people, and feel surprised by that. I think nobody wants surprises on the wedding day.

do you have a reason for not wanting to tell them?

ROFL

Wed, Nov 26 2014, 10:30 pm

No I don't think you have to tell them. Although listen and see if they feel they have more people to invite. If they do tell them they can pay for their extra people, also does your hall lower the price fir more people, then you can pass the savings down yo them.
Mazal tov!

Rutabaga

Wed, Nov 26 2014, 10:50 pm

If they're paying for FLOP, then increasing the numbers will increase their expenses. The O and P will remain the same, but more guests will consume more L and more guests mean more tables with F centerpieces.

It's common courtesy to be upfront and honest with your mechutanim. Why start the relationship off with misrepresentations?

granolamom

Wed, Nov 26 2014, 10:59 pm

Rutabaga wrote:

good point about the L and F. I didnt think of that.

nyer1

Thu, Nov 27 2014, 12:10 am

Even if ur paying it's their Simcha also and therefore I don't think it would be fair for them to walk in and be completely surprised with somethkng like that. Let them know if they also want additional guests they can, but would need to pay for it themselves

SRS

Thu, Nov 27 2014, 12:26 am

I would work to divest from the "I'm paying for it" attitude. The party is one night. The marriage, we hope, will be for a lifetime. Another vote for be upfront and I'd say that if you are extending your guest list, you might want to think about offering them some more seats even if they should pitch in for them if they had to limit their guest list as you originally were doing.

amother

Thu, Nov 27 2014, 1:02 am

OP here

They are not doing F as it is included in the hall price and L will be at a minimum.

If they pay for more guests that they invited that is fine. We will have much more for smichas chassan vkallah but they never said they would pay for their extras.

5mom

Thu, Nov 27 2014, 1:10 am

I can't imagine why you wouldn't be upfront and honest.
At the very least, you will be demonstrating to the young couple how mature people communicate and resolve differences. That's worth a whole lot more than the catering fees.
Mazel tov.

DrMom

Thu, Nov 27 2014, 1:23 am

5mom wrote:

This.
Why would you conceal this information from them?

watergirl

Thu, Nov 27 2014, 8:19 am

If this happened to me, assuming the couple met via shidduch (because your doing flop and simchas chassan v kallah), I would wonder what other information youve withheld about your daughter.

SRS

Thu, Nov 27 2014, 11:44 am

At my wedding, there was a small fight about some small detail that was completely inconsequential and for which I had already mentioned in advance what the case would be anticipating that one side would be disappointed. If a fight can happen over a detail that one was upfront about, imagine the case of mistrust and damage that can happen when a family agrees to 50/50 on the guests and the other side invites another 1/3 more.

Please give this young couple some solid footing. Don't do this. Be upfront and honest.

agreer

Thu, Nov 27 2014, 12:08 pm

Yes, you do have to tell them.

Just tell them, don't ask. Say, "I've decided that I need to invite 100 more people. Per our arrangement, I will pay for these additional guests."

Then if they say they also need 100 more guests, say, "great. Per our arrangement, you should cover these additional guests costs. It is $x per couple. You can pay the hall directly. Their number is ...."

Then call the hall. Make sure they are the ones to follow up with the mechutanim about paying, not you.

No need for subterfuge and deception.

mommyhood

Thu, Nov 27 2014, 3:22 pm

agreer wrote:

The problem is that it doesn't sound like she had an arrangement that accounted for extra guests so simply telling and not asking them seems a bit rude.

agreer

Thu, Nov 27 2014, 4:32 pm

mommyhood wrote:

The problem is that it doesn't sound like she had an arrangement that accounted for extra guests so simply telling and not asking them seems a bit rude.

IMO, it would be rude to tell them and expect them to pay for her extra guests.

If she is covering all the extra costs associated with them, why is that rude?

SRS

Thu, Nov 27 2014, 5:14 pm

agreer wrote:

IMO, it would be rude to tell them and expect them to pay for her extra guests.

If she is covering all the extra costs associated with them, why is that rude?

It could come off very badly if the chassan's family limited their guests. The original arrangement needs to inform the approach. But asking, rather than telling, is always a more successful strategy.