boss asks me innapropriate questions but is it stupidity?

amother

Wed, Dec 03 2014, 10:31 am

My boss is shrewd, but totally lacks normal social skills. A year ago he asked me what Viagra is and if he needs a prescription from his doctor. I told him that he should check it out online, but that he definitely needs to discuss it with his doctor as well. He never brought it up again. 6 months ago, he started asking me why I don't wear makeup everyday. I told him that the question was inappropriate and he stopped. Now he started asking me if I shave my body meaning down there and everywhere else. When he get good business news he always wants to high five. I told him that I cannot do that. I do not touch men and it's inappropriate. I told him the shaving question was inappropriate. When I was coughing from some water he banged his arm on my back. I'm so confused because on one hand he is just so socially awkward that he may not even realize how inappropriate these questions are, but I really don't want to miss anything. WWYD?

mummiedearest

Wed, Dec 03 2014, 10:35 am

is there an HR department you can talk to? his behavior is entirely inappropriate, it doesn't matter if it's stupidity or not.

the last time someone feigned stupidity like that, I refused to be around him again. it became obvious that he wasn't stupid. smart people know how to appear stupid when it suits their purposes. start documenting everything and talk to HR.

sky

Wed, Dec 03 2014, 10:43 am

Personal appearance and hygiene is a major issue. I would file a report with HR and they can talk to him.

the high fiving and pounding on back I can hear happening once or twice if he is not Jewish or not religious. my co-workers sometimes aren't sure about some of those boundaries until I explicitly explain it. If you have done that and he repeats I would report to HR as well.

amother

Wed, Dec 03 2014, 10:47 am

There was a store owner around where I grew up who was fat and seemed very clumsy, always brushing past women and touching women's hands when handing her change (in a chassidish neighborhood, where most men put DOWN the change). Then quite a few women realized he wasn't so clutzy, he was doing it to touch women trying not to be obvious. Your boss may be more shrewd than you think!

Talya

Wed, Dec 03 2014, 10:51 am

The Viagra question and shaving question are incredibly inappropriate and the make up question also inappropriate but not quite to the same extent. I'd be horrified if anyone asked me that out of the blue but it also depends on your relationship with him and how the question came up. Were you flirting and/or talking about that kind of thing when he brought it up or did he just approach you out of the blue and ask you? I find it hard to believe anyone would randomly walk up to a coworker they have no relationship with and ask those questions unless they are a serious creep.

amother

Wed, Dec 03 2014, 10:58 am

There is no HR department here. He had a business that I came in and developed in another area. I considered even walking away, but such a decision cannot be made so fast considering what I have invested in this business. I would say that if he is owner and top dog, I'm second in command here. Last year, I discussed it with someone who's advice I value and we decided to see how it progresses. Well, this is how it has progressed......

No, we were not having a conversation when he brought up the Viagra. I just walked into the copy room to make some copies and he asked me out of the blue about Viagra. I hate small talk in general, and I don't know how to flirt because I have no patience to these things. Whenever I speak with him, I always tell him, "Let's just get to the point. No 'how are yous' or the like. I just want to talk business. There's a lot to be done." Sometimes he then randomly brings up these topics.

I actually started to wear my ugliest shaitel (try not to brush it), never put on makeup, and try to wear old clothing, don't wear jewelry, etc. when I do not have any meetings because of this situation. Obviously when I have meetings I must get dressed up, but I hate when he sees me that way because I'm always afraid of a remark.

Ruchel

Wed, Dec 03 2014, 11:13 am

Talya wrote:

The Viagra question and shaving question are incredibly inappropriate and the make up question also inappropriate but not quite to the same extent.

That. And he knows unless he mamash is SICK.

I'm down to earth no sue happy and don't cry harassment, but here? Harassment, or perv, or crazy... something is wrong.

Touching, I've gotten used to the fact that some people will never get it...

OneSource

Wed, Dec 03 2014, 11:15 am

It sounds like you know how to be strong with him in terms of directness (skip the chit-chat and get down to business attitude.) Why don't you apply that to him when he asks stupid questions? I would suggest you sit down with him, tell him to stop speaking to you inappropriately (feel free to bring up the examples mentioned) and ask him if he likes the idea of a s-xual harassment lawsuit because you feel confident that he's headed that way unless he stops being inappropriate. Be firm! Tell him (privately) that you will not be disrespected and discussing personal appearances and s-xual aids is wildly inappropriate and disrespectful. I would not change my appearance for fear of his comments. I would make him change his behavior towards me to redress the situation. If he chooses not to change his behavior, I would respond accordingly. You should demand respect and vocally. If he ignores the demand, you have options at your disposal.

amother

Wed, Dec 03 2014, 11:20 am

OneSource wrote:

I definitely respond firmly to the questions when he asks them, but I like your idea of having a meeting about it. I think that that will shake him up and force him to seriously think about the situation and how he wishes to behave/proceed towards the future.

Thank you.
Thank you to everyone who responded. The advice is wonderful and truly appreciated.

CPenzias

Wed, Dec 03 2014, 8:13 pm

Oy that sounds so tough! I hope the meeting works out and scares him off.

I work in a public school and people always touch. Men, women everyone just touches. I didn't have the patience to say anything so I just kept quiet. Meanwhile, a few years into working here, one of my colleagues asked me if I was Orthodox. I told him that I was and he said "Why didn't you tell me?! I'm not supposed to touch you!!" He was sooo upset lol I felt bad. Now whenever he puts his hand out to touch me he retracts right away and says "Oh no! I'm not supposed to touch you" He's so respectful. This is a public school in the Bronx!! Smile

amother

Wed, Dec 03 2014, 11:55 pm

CPenzias wrote:

This guy is not secular. He is ultra frum (as in Yeshivish or Chassidish).