Do you invite them again to your next simcha?

amother

Wed, Dec 03 2014, 9:27 pm

We made a simcha for our child and we had a lot of people that did not send back their response cards. They never acknowledged to us in any way that we made a simcha. We have those that send us back the response card saying they will attend and never showed up. They never even called to apologize or to wish mazel tov. We have those that we called on the phone to see if they were attending and they told us they are coming and never showed up. So my question is what do we do now that iy"h we are making another simcha. Do we invite these relatives, neighbors, so called friends or Rabbis?
We did go to a lot of these people's simchas and gave generous gifts.

amother

Wed, Dec 03 2014, 9:54 pm

Sometimes I want to go with the best intentions but then I'm not feeling well at the time. So the next time I bump into the person I try to remember to say Mazel Tov. I should really call within a few days but so much comes up...

So usually I don't reply, or if I do get around to it, I say I hope to come but please don't reserve a seat (IOW please don't waste money on me!) bec if I do get there I can sit in the seat of s/o who came late, & I may eat the first course & then leave....

Some of us are just chronically or pathologically disorganized. It's nothing personal and we're so happy for your simcha and do hope to attend the next one.

What I would not do is bother calling e/o who doesn't reply. In fact, for a wedding, at least, you can count on 10% absent from those who did reply & say they planned to attend. So few random people came w/o replying? They'll either find a seat or they won't.

amother

Wed, Dec 03 2014, 10:28 pm

amother wrote:

Perhaps you should get some help for this. This isn't functional. I don't intend to be mean, but how can you live this way without giving yourself and those around you anxiety?

amother

Wed, Dec 03 2014, 11:01 pm

amother wrote:

Perhaps you should get some help for this. This isn't functional. I don't intend to be mean, but how can you live this way without giving yourself and those around you anxiety?

I'm laughing! Sorry but this is exactly the majority of people. I just made a bar mitzvah and barely anyone replied. I had to call most ppl to confirm and some of those probably didn't show but I didn't notice since I was enjoying my simcha - not counting heads. And after I promised I'd be better about responding but of course things came up and soon enough I was getting calls about simchas I forgot to respond to and like amother above I told them not to reserve a meal but I'll stop in.

Not sure how this causes anyone anxiety. And this is absolutely the norm where I live- Lakewood.

amother

Thu, Dec 04 2014, 7:27 am

OP here
When we did call some people we found out if they didn't get invite and it wasn't many. It was less then five and the invitations did end up coming back to us. You do notice that ppl don't show up if you have several empty tables.
I do understand an emergency happens or somebody gets sick. But their was never any acknowledgement about my simcha except by two people. One called to apologize they were sick and one when I met her in the street she told me she had issues getting a babysitter. So that is why I am confused what to do.

amother

Thu, Dec 04 2014, 8:02 am

I think it's pretty standard that people have things come up and even with the best intentions can't always make it. Only invite the people you really want and feel you have to invite but understand that things can come up with them too. I wouldn't cross someone off my invite list because of this. Honestly, I can't tell you who said they are coming but didn't show up to my wedding because I was too busy enjoying myself in the moment. People mean well this wasn't malicious or anything. It was a mistake. That they may or may not make in the future (most likely will though).

Barbara

Thu, Dec 04 2014, 10:40 am

amother wrote:

Wow. Just plain wow.

I'm astounded by your self-absorption and narcissism.

You'll just plop yourself down wherever someone is late. No matter that the hosts spent hours on the seating plan. No matter that you plopped yourself in the middle of a group of work friends who don't know you from Adam, and who really don't enjoy the simcha because of this clueless stranger sitting there. No matter that the person who actually comes late doesn't get her meal because you're in her seat. And she's too embarrassed to ask you to move. It's all about YOU.

And you can't bother to call or sent a note. I mean, this is a friend or relative. But who gives a hoot about them. You're disorganized, and can't bother to change.

Meals can range from $45 a plate and up. (Plus costs for mashgiach, servers, bartenders, tables/linens, flatware/stemware, alcohol.) But don't bother to respond. I mean, of course there will be those shmoes who do answer. But you're more important than that. (And, of course, the host has all the time and energy in the world to hunt you down.) So if 50 people don't respond, the host can assume they're not coming, and be embarrassed at the lack of tables and food. Or she can pay for some of them. I mean, if she pays for half of them, at $55 a person (as an all in guestimate), that's only an extra $1400. And clearly that's a pittance compared to all of the work it would take for you to RSVP.

Please, do everyone a favor. Given that you care so little for anyone other than yourself, say no and sit home.

Barbara

Thu, Dec 04 2014, 10:47 am

amother wrote:

If these are people whom you really like, and want to maintain a relationship with, then invite them again. If they're just acquaintances, don't bother.

amother

Thu, Dec 04 2014, 2:15 pm

Quote:

You'll just plop yourself down wherever someone is late. No matter that the hosts spent hours on the seating plan. No matter that you plopped yourself in the middle of a group of work friends who don't know you from Adam, and who really don't enjoy the simcha because of this clueless stranger sitting there. No matter that the person who actually comes late doesn't get her meal because you're in her seat. And she's too embarrassed to ask you to move. It's all about YOU.

Really, not exactly. I usually sit with people I know, and I leave by the time the latecomers arrive.

The simchos I attend there are always empty seats.

Fox

Thu, Dec 04 2014, 2:29 pm

Barbara wrote:

If these are people whom you really like, and want to maintain a relationship with, then invite them again. If they're just acquaintances, don't bother.

What Barbara said.

I'm not saying this is the case with your simcha, OP, but I find that I get a lot of invitations from people I barely know. Although I try to respond, I'll admit that those invitations sometimes get buried with the junk mail.

Of course, sometimes you can't win: there's a woman in our community who is still annoyed with me after 15 years because I honestly told her that I couldn't come -- I was 8 months' pregnant, had four children under 6, and my DH was out of town that week. I thought I was being realistic and polite, but she didn't see it that way.

But in general, if you have to chase down a lot of people, it may be a sign that you're inviting people who don't really feel such a close connection to you or your family.

BetsyTacy

Thu, Dec 04 2014, 5:11 pm

I definitely feel for the OP. It really feels like money in the garbage to give the caterer a head count and then have so many no-shows. What I don't understand is how anyone can just give a smaller number of people than the number who RSVP'd that they were coming. I guess it can work at a buffet with no assigned tables, but otherwise how can that work? How can you make up placecards with table numbers?

I wish it was much more accepted to have much smaller smachot. If people were invited to fewer smachot , the smachot of people they are really close with, I think the no-show number would be greatly reduced. The smaller numbers would mean that you could actually invite the people you really like and others would not be offended.

amother

Thu, Dec 04 2014, 5:52 pm

The caterer tells you a table can seat 10-12. You put 11 or 12 people on your seating plan but tell the caterer 10.

If 12 do show up, they can always ask the waiter to bring another chair.

Believe me, it happens rarely that everyone comes. Someone's kid comes down with chicken pox. Or something. At least where I live. YMMV.

The only problem is that some caterers charge you by place cards. Others will actually count the number of meals served. And most have at least X% extra food just in case.