Projecting more or less wealth than reality

amother

Wed, Dec 10 2014, 12:49 pm

I've been pondering this for a few days- I bH had a baby and my neighbor told me to pick through her garage for whatever I wanted because she was going to call bulk pickup to dispose of whatever was left. I took a look and found a Bugaboo. Asked her if she was trashing it and she said yes I should please take it. After 2 new inner tires and a spin in the washing machine it looked perfect. My baby and I are loving it- so cozy and comfortable for baby, a dream to wheel for me and I love being able to see baby when I am walking. So DH's first reaction when I brought it home was that people will think we are the type to spend 1000 on a stroller and people will think we have 1000 to spend on a stroller. Then he thought about it some more and decided anyone who is aware that it is a $1000 stroller will realize it's a frog and not the latest model so will figure it's from our first kid or bought at a big discount from Craig's list, etc. I thought he was being silly about the whole thing until I started using it. Now I feel self conscious and feel the need to tell people who know me that I got it for free. I was schmoozing with a friend while wheeling baby and once again felt the need to clarify the stroller. She told me I shouldn't be telling people the true story, let them think I have that level of disposable income. I am pretty surprised at that mentality so that is the point of this long rambling post. Do you want people to think you have more or less than you actually have or do you try to keep what you have quiet and as private as possible? Would you feel the need to explain an expensive item you didn't pay for or feel confident to display it and not care what conclusions people are drawing about you?

Fox

Wed, Dec 10 2014, 1:06 pm

I definitely make an effort to dial down by a notch or two the impression I give vis-a-vis disposable income. For better or worse, Hashem has not tested my resolve too much in this matter!

Regardless of its provenance, a single luxury item doesn't create the impression of excess. Rather, it's the pattern of expenditure and the attitude toward expenditures.

In other words, it's one thing to own an expensive stroller. It's another thing to own the latest, most expensive model of *everything* and go around saying, "Ugh! I can't imagine putting my baby in one of those nasty Graco strollers!"

My advice: you don't have to pin a sign on the stroller to explain, but if it comes up naturally, you can remark on your incredible luck in having such a generous neighbor. If your lifestyle is otherwise low-key, I doubt that anyone will notice your stroller. If they do, they'll assume that it was a gift.

So enjoy it and don't worry!

Scrabble123

Wed, Dec 10 2014, 1:10 pm

I do not think that a Bugaboo is a reflection of income, rather of your sense of style or social ideas (although that is not always the case). People can buy Bugaboos online second hand or receive them as presents. I don't think you need to discuss it or post a sign. If you want to discuss with someone how lucky you are that you did not have to buy a carriage, that is your choice.

Miri7

Wed, Dec 10 2014, 1:30 pm

If you feel uncomfortable, you can say "gosh, I feel really uncomfortable sometimes pushing this fancy stroller. I feel like it attracts attention when I walk down the street. I was so lucky to have such a generous neighbor hand it down to me!" Just be honest!

Lots of young moms get fancy baby gear as gifts from older moms or family or buy cheap on Craigslist. So I don't think that people are reading so much into the stroller as you think. Especially if you generally project more modest spending habits. And a bugaboo was more of a "statement" stroller 9 years ago than it is now.

How fortunate you are to receive such a quality stroller from your friend!

Chayalle

Wed, Dec 10 2014, 1:52 pm

I have a gorgeous painting hanging over my couch in the living room, won inadvertently at a Chinese Auction (arrived late, dumped my tickets into the first bins I could find since I never win anything anyway, and went to enjoy the program....wondered if there were two Chayalles in Lakewood when they announced my name!)

Do I think about whether anyone coming to my house thinks I went out to buy it? No. I just enjoy it and think that Hashem clearly wanted to give me a boost at that particular time in my life, and I am frivolously grateful.

ElTam

Wed, Dec 10 2014, 1:55 pm

We strive very hard to live under our means. When the children or I have "new" things it's usually hand-me-downs, thrift store, or yard sale. I feel like people will look down on us. So when people say, "Where did you get your new robe? I generally use say that I don't remember. Because I don't want to be seen as a nebach case or say, "We'd rather go to thrift stores because that lets us put money into savings." Because that's too much exposure of our financial choices/situation.

ETA: If it's one or two things, I wouldn't worry about people thinking about it. I don't think people really start thinking about it until the disconnect becomes really obvious, e.g., people know your DH doesn't make much money and you are a SAHM and yet there is a constant stream of new clothes, expensive cars, high-end sheitals, etc. The occasional item passes unnoticed I think, or people assume you got it on Craigslist or something.

And enjoy your new stroller! You should use it in good health!

amother

Wed, Dec 10 2014, 3:06 pm

I'm in the exact same situation (hand me down bugaboo) and like you I am EXTREMELY uncomfortable with it and usually try to slip in to the conversation that someone gave it to me. As far as nobody noticing, that's not true because the times that I don't mention that it's a hand me down, I've gotten comments (ie "wow, it's so not your type to have a bugaboo", which, btw, it's true, it's really not my type).

SRS

Wed, Dec 10 2014, 3:07 pm

I discovered the great embarrassment that too many people have regarding 2nd hand. Like Fox, I'm a dial it down personality and I think that those who are blessed with income should lead the charge to help to deflate the standards that have been set in our communities by people who are actually well off, people who are trying to keep up with the Schwartzes, debtors, and even people dependent on the community.

When someone compliments something I might say, "thanks, it was a hand-me-down", "you would not believe the finds at a certain consignment or 2nd hand store," "a few friends and I have a little hand-me-down circle going on, let me know if you want in on it."

Don't feel bad about taking a hand-me-down bugaboo and enjoying it, but don't listen to this friend who tells you let people think you have all sorts of disposable income. No need to advertise, but you can use your blessing as an opportunity to share a good tip with friends. People need permission to use anything 2nd hand it seems.

ruchelbuckle

Wed, Dec 10 2014, 3:24 pm

First of all, I really try to stay out of these discussions, but I just had to post.... Very Happy

Where you live matters. In my city, if I pushed a bugaboo, that would be akin to being a millionaire. Anywhere within the NYC metro area, Chicago, LA, etc...it's not a big deal anymore.

Regarding the hashkafa aspect.... Don't make a big deal about it. You do not need to defend yourself for having a bugaboo.

Also, do a search on these forums. So many people got their Bugaboos as a gift, or 2nd hand, etc...

I think people take a look at the whole picture. Are you wearing Coach boots that say COACH all over them (tacky, IMO!)? Are you driving a car that's considered upscale in your community? Do you have 3 different expensive diaper bags-- one for quick trips, one for the car, and one for the stroller? Etc...

DH and I had a contract on a house that was more expensive than other homes that people in our social circle live in. I spoke extensively to our Rov about it. He told me that it's a good hashkafa to have-- to not want people to think you're materialistic, jappy, etc... and to want to portray a positive Torahdik impression of yourself. However, (the Rov told me this)-- that if people see you live in a fancy house, but are not materialistic, label-obsessed person, then people won't really notice the house. The same goes for the Bugaboo.

I think people take a look at the whole picture. Are you wearing Coach boots that say COACH all over them (tacky, IMO!)? Are you driving a car that's considered upscale in your community? Do you have 3 different expensive diaper bags-- one for quick trips, one for the car, and one for the stroller? Etc...

BTW, we didn't buy that house! there were too many problems at inspection with it.

And it sounds like you have very Torah-dik hashkafos! enjoy the bugaboo and lots of nachas from all your kinderlach!!!

Barbara

Wed, Dec 10 2014, 3:26 pm

No one's business. If you're enjoying the stroller, and it sounds like you are, use it in good health.

I cannot imagine making a conscious decision not to live in a nice home because others might comment on my income. If a nice house means something to me, and I can afford it, I'm going to have one. I spend on what's important to me, and don't spend on what isn't. So we drive our cars for 15 years, and use fine china on Shabbat. Why is that anyone else's business?

OOTforlife

Wed, Dec 10 2014, 4:13 pm

I don't think you have to worry much about one or two high end items. The type of person to notice will probably also notice that your clothes, furniture, and car are cheap.

I think keeping communal expectations low is good.

In my opinion it's not the truly over-the-top parties and clothes of the super-wealthy that cause problems. Every community has their Bill Gates type families that are seen by everyone as being degrees of magnitude wealthier and when they throw a gazillion dollar wedding, nobody feels the need to live up to it except the other similar families who can afford it.

It's really the "W2" families who earn good but not amazing salaries whose spending affects the community expectations for a "regular" simcha. If I'm an accountant and my husband's an engineer (neither are true) and we scrimp to throw a $90K wedding, I think it puts pressure on "regular families" in a way that a $250K Fortune 50 CEO wedding doesn't. So even if we can responsibly fit a $90K wedding into our budget, I would have mixed feelings about the message.

L25

Wed, Dec 10 2014, 4:17 pm

mommy2b2c- I've always been curious about this mentality. I'm asking- out of trying to understand and not judging-when you say "have money" do you mean being wealthy or just "not struggling" I can understand not wanting people to know that you are really struggling but why would you want people to think you are wealthy?

to the op- I agree with the previous posters- its a gestalt- if this is your only "luxury" people might wonder how you got it but they probably won't think you are wealthy or even very materialistic.

ElTam-I like to tell people because I want to show them that it's nothing to be ashamed of but rather proud of- I guess it's my way of trying to change the world Smile

or may be I just really proud of getting something for a good deal or free! I think the frum community would be much better off if it was the norm to live under your means and put money in savings.

amother

Wed, Dec 10 2014, 5:59 pm

I happen to have a stroller addiction embarrassed

and I own a few high end strollers but I've never spent more than $100-125 on each because I wait for major craigslist deals and buy second hand. We could probably afford them full price at this point but it's not our style to spend that kind of money on what we consider luxuries. I don't go out of my way to tell people that they were metziahs, but if people mention my stroller I always throw that information in. It's not on the same level as a fancy house or car, which I wouldn't feel comfortable with even at a great price.